“If you take a step back,” he continued, “and look at what he’s doing to you, how you’re feeling about yourself since you’ve been with him, and whether you’re truly fulfilled by your relationship, you’ll come to your own conclusions.”

Quote lifted from Reflected in You by Sylvia Day

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Honestly speaking...

I've been really off this week. Nothing major happened with the family and my friends, thank goodness for that, but something inside of me did. I don't know where the self-pity came from but it's back and I can't let it go. I don't have a job, I have a very distant and inattentive boyfriend... I can't even grab a beer/coffee because I'm nanghihinayang of the money I will spend for commuting. All three couldn't crush the spirits of 3-month-ago me even if they came in 10-fold each but now, I don't know what happened.

Something inside me snapped. I can't turn my day around just like that like I used to. Losing interaction with Happy Crush does not help, too. Maybe gaining one of the four back will help me get back on track.

Please, Universe, let it start with Happy Crush 'cause that's the easiest to get among the four.
Not entirely sure because I did something stupid and I think that's the last nail on the coffin that houses our (mostly online) interactions.

Checkmate

There are only a few number of times when I can't seem to make a wise decision to save my life and you would think that posting something online isn't one of them for the simple reason that you can contemplate for hours on end before you publish anything. In this case, though, it is.

I don't know what has gotten into me. I don't know why I hit send but I did and it seems like it has quickly become one of the most regretful things I've ever done in my entire life. Now, even the slightest chance of a "repeat performance" might have gone down the drain. Great.

I don't know how to feel about Nicki Minaj

I have a love-hate relationship with Nicki Minaj. On the one hand, her entire look annoys the hell out of me. I mean, if you look at most of her photos online or if you've seen her music videos and TV appearances, you'll get what I mean.

On the other hand, her songs and collaborations are really dance-y and catchy, which I like...a lot. Superbass is overplayed and I honestly wouldn't want to hear it again anytime soon but at one point, I really, sincerely liked listening to it. Sort of like how I used to like (and got tired of) Flo Rida's Low. Now that I think about it, it has been years since I last listened to it so I might enjoy listening to Low again...

Anyway, I've been singing Starships in my head for the past 5 days and I can't seem to get it off. A part of me wants it there and another part of me wants it out because I might get tired of it.

Weak.

I have been feeling so weak these past few weeks. Not physically, though. Physical weakness I can handle. Emotional weakness? Now that's a different story.

I've managed to stay strong for months now: Not complain when I am not given any attention, not feel dumb whenever I open my mouth, not feel small whenever I get rejected for asking to be intimate. Heck, I've even moved past the whole "Hey, we don't text/talk/see each other anymore!" dilemma but now, I feel particularly weak and no, there's no third party involved. I just feel depressed all of a sudden.

I know I'm Little Miss Positive Thinker to most people I talk to on a regular basis but there's something about these past few weeks that got me thinking about our my situation. I suddenly felt alone. Yes, I have my family and I have my friends but it takes a partnership between a man and a woman to make raising a child work. Plus, I am no dead person. I have my needs, too, as a woman.

To cover up this weakness, I've been going out with friends, drinking and partying and watching movies. But when everything's over, I cannot help but feel sad again. Sure, I've managed to smile and laugh the whole night and get all kilig over some parts of it but whenever I get home, I go back into the rut I started out in. Partida, the 'buzz' I get from drinking is still there but I can still feel the sadness.

I don't feel anything and that's a lot to say coming from a sensitive person like me. With that said, I want to ask again what I've asked over Twitter a while ago: How do you know something's not worth it anymore if pain and sadness is part of the process?

#62. I don't sleep during massages because I wanna feel how good the massage is.

Partying in my mid 20s...

I finally walked into a bar again after 1029384502 years with these guys and here are some of the things I realized:

• Di na pala uso ang walk-in ngayon. Back in 07, we didn't need guestlists and table reservations to party.
• They don't play solid hip-hop music anymore. I knew I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas was bad news when I first heard it in '09.
• Lights put me in a trance.
• I'm lazy as hell but when I'm in the club, all I wanna do is move (and to be honest, for someone to stay really close to me. Para akong naka-E pag nasa bar kahit di naman talaga)
• Even if I don't eat before I drink Jack, I don't puke in the morning (which is probably the best realization of the night).
• I like my clubs tight and hot.
• I couldn't go "all out", even if I'm hard-liquor drunk.
• I've become a glass-half-full type of person.
• Still, the Law of Attraction didn't disappoint.

I hope it won't take me another 11 months before I enter a club again. Sure, I don't like the music they play now but that doesn't take the high I get whenever I'm inside away. 

Sana nga lang murang gumimik ng ganun. Kaso hindi e.

Clubbing again after an 11-month hiatus.

The last time I was in a club was in December 2011 and before that, 2009. The next time I'll be inside one is this Saturday and I don't know what the hell I should be expecting. I know it's still gonna be loud and I know there's gonna be a lot of drunk people and shattered beer bottles and cigarette butts on the floor but what I want to know - for the most part - is if a tank top, a pair of shorts and flats/sneakers will still work in a club setting. That's how we used to party back in '07, kids.

Actually, that's it. I just want to know if I could still go wearing comfy clothes and shoes to a bar without getting judged.





To be perfectly honest, though, I don't really care what I wear. I'm just so excited for this Saturday's night out. I mean it has been a long, long time since I last partied. I miss the night life and I know it misses me, too.

My Get Psyched Mix

Inspired by Barney Stinson's Get Psyched Mix, for this Saturday's night out

(Please forgive my playlist for being so outdated.)

• Forever - Chris Brown
• Bebot - Black Eyed Peas
• Yeah! - Usher feat. Ludacris and Li'l Jon
• Yeah 3x - Chris Brown
• OMG - Usher feat. Will I Am
• Closer - Ne-Yo
• Starships - Nicky Minaj
• Low - Flo Rida feat. T-Pain
• Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO
• DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love - Usher
• Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera
• Hot in Here - Nelly
• Imma Be - Black Eyed Peas
• 2012 - Jay Sean
• Sexy Back - Justin Timberlake
• Dance Again - Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull
• Climax Scream - Usher (Thanks sa pagpuna, Babes! :D)
• Shots - LMFAO

I have some RnB songs I wanted to add to the list like Booty Music, All I See and Bust It Baby but the Get Psyched Mix should be "all rise" and those other songs weren't exactly dance-y. They're more of sexytime songs so they did not make the cut.

Updating my playlist

Being a full-time mom does weird things to your playlist like having these four songs added into it while you play them (supposedly) for your daughter non-stop for a month:

 

I guess it's obvious why I like this song. It's all about love. It's the closest thing that the Hi5 gang has to a love song. Actually, I just checked the lyrics here and it is indeed a love song. It's simple but it's a really sweet song.

 

Wow! is about doing things that you think you cannot do. It's empowering. It's telling us to do whatever we want and be whatever we want to be because we were all born amazing.

 

Some Kind of Wonderful is yet another love song in this children's songs line-up. I love how whoever this song is written for is everything to the person who wrote it. It's the perfect pop love song.

This last song became a part of the playlist not because of the lyrics but because of the music. I love how the song would (probably) fit in a (really cheesy) club playlist.

I hope I'm not the only one with weird children's songs in my playlist... Well, actually, I take that back. I really like these songs (plus Tim Maddren is in all the videos so...)

Ang hirap mag-move on sa katawan ni Daniel Craig.

Watching Skyfall is one of the worse decisions I've done this month not because I didn't enjoy the (plot of the) movie but because I am having a hard time moving on from this:

I didn't even understand the deal with the crazy guy and why he wanted to kill the head of MI6. I just focused on Daniel Craig's body like it were the best thing that happened to the 007 saga.

I'm a flats kind of girl.

I am one of those girls who you cannot - for the life of you - force to wear heels. Here are the only moments I wore heels:

• Gradeschool grad (It was only an inch high but still)
• BSA junior year (where I went from the ballroom to my then-boyfriend's car barefoot)
• Highschool grad
• That one time in the club (and it was one of the things I've regretted in my life so far)
• A childhood friend's debut
• A college friend's debut
• Thesis defense
• College grad
• 3 corporate job interviews (I wore flats before and after the interviews)

See? That's not a lot because I really hate wearing them. Yes, they elongate your legs and make you look sexier but I really cannot take the stress it gives the heel of my feet and my legs. I'm all for comfort so whenever I window shop for shoes in Zalora, I immediately go to their flats section and so far, these are the ones that caught my eyes:

Red Sperry Top-Sider, grey Shoo In, Naturezza zippered sandals, J&M slip ons

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Unemployed.

So right this very moment, I am unemployed. Long story short, the company I am working for as a senior content writer just decided to cut its whole employee list off and not even pay them for the things they've worked on from October 16 til last Friday. It's kinda depressing, yes, but I won't let it get to me that much.

I am currently looking for a (homebased) job so if you need a web content writer/virtual assistant, I will be willing to apply for the post.

Kiefer Ravena, I love you.

I am a La Sallista, yes, and I get mad at the whole Ateneo team when they beat La Salle in UAAP games but despite the annoyance, I respect one Blue Eagle's basketball skills: Kiefer Ravena. I wouldn't normally rave about how an opponent - a Blue Eagle, at that - plays but this guy is the exception. Bilib talaga ako sa basketball skills niya.

Everything changed, though, when I watched tonight's episode of Gandang Gabi Vice where he and Green Archer, Jeron Teng, guested... I think I fell in love with the guy. GRABE, PARANG SIYA YUNG IDEAL GUY KO! Why do I say so?

Well, first of all, he's ruggedly good-looking. Like, manly-man good-looking.

If you are my friend, you might want to chuckle because I know my dating resume isn't all that competent, but yeah, good-looking is still part of the requirements.

If you watch a lot of Ateneo-La Salle games both in the juniors division (2007-2010) and seniors division of the UAAP, you would know that he's an incredible basketball player.

It wouldn't even matter if you don't actually understand the technical parts of basketball. When you see him play, you'd know he's good. And yes, I am one of those girls who swoon over basketball players.

Initially, those are the only two that I found him attractive for. After that hilarious Gandang Gabi Vice episode, I've learned of two more reasons to love him:

He has "the moves".


I like a guy who can strut his stuff on the dancefloor. Okay, I'm not entirely sure if he can dance dance but he can Dougie and only a few guys can actually pull it off so it counts, right?

He plays the guitar.


I'm not really into musicians but I love it when guys (or girls... I can roll both ways) play the guitar. As I've said on Twitter, I don't even care if I don't know the song they're playing as long as they're playing the guitar, that's good enough for me.

Yeah, Kiefer Ravena definitely has most of the qualities I like in a guy. Now, if he knows how to cook real good, YUN NA.

(I am not all that much superficial. I like an honest, loving, down-to-earth, sweet and faithful guy but for the sake of this post, I am not putting the emotional crap on the list.)

Moms, too, are legends (like Raybans)!

While browsing through my favorite bloggers' sites, I came upon this post by Lissa Kahayon that got me thinking - after PSI, that is - about how I will be able to become a legend if I ever actually become a legend.

Right this very moment of my life, I still don't know what I'll contribute to the world that will make a mark in everyone's heart. I don't even know if I can do that within my lifetime but there's one thing I am sure of: I will be legen - wait for it! - dary (I just had to! For the love of HIMYM...) for this person:

Almost everything that I've been doing since this cutie patootie came to my life, I do for myself, of course, but I do them for her, too. I believe that I am giving her the best of everything that's within my capacity and capabilities. It's not much that I need to do them, it's more of I cannot imagine not doing them. Does that make sense?

Being a single mom can be quite challenging, especially here in the Philippines. I know that we've gone a long, long way from, say, 10 years ago when it comes to our acceptance with regards to these kinds of things but we can't help some other people's opinions that seem to have been dated 50 years ago. To be perfectly honest, though, even with all the eyes watching my every move, judging my decisions, I don't feel the need to prove anything to anybody. As long as I am not doing anything wrong and I am not imposing my beliefs to anybody, I'm good.

I know for a fact that I have a long, long way to go and a lot of lessons to learn about motherhood and I am not complaining one bit. I'm ready to take on that journey to legendary-ness (I love inventing words, okay?) for my mini me. I'm armed with the old school Rayban aviators over my eyes - that are focused on the bright prize that is being a legendary mom - and a couple packs of baby wipes to clean up the mess that I will inevitably make on my way there. Yes, I definitely am ready.

So un-Fergie...

I am not fond of clothes shopping, as proven by my (really) small, boyish closet so I don't know where she got the clothes-shopping-all-night-long genes from.

I'm sorry for the poor photo quality. It was taken using the iPod Touch.

What's with the title? "I got it from my momma..." Get it? No? Never mind.

The Secret

The first time I've watched The Secret was 2 years ago. I had a huge belly, a really complicated home-and-lovelife situation and a very confused mind. I didn't know what I should be doing (and thinking of) at that time. The seminar for The Law of Attraction came around that time, followed by the PSI 4-day seminar that totally changed my life.

Why this blog post? Well, my aunt sent me an e-mail enumerating all the keywords/phrases from the book/film, The Secret. I remember how empowered I am every time I see them and I just wanted to share the positivity with everyone. I hope these inspire you the same way they do me.

• Law of Attraction – what will help you generate the feeling to get what you want
• Thoughts become things
• Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming
• What you think, what you feel, and what you manifest, is always a match
• The way you feel is everything
• The universe likes speed; don’t delay, don’t second-guess
• Most people offer the majority of their thought in response to what they are observing
• Believe what you want, believe that you deserve it, believe it could happen to you
• When you have inspired thought, you have to trust in and act on it
• Go to the sense of inner vision first, and all other things will follow
• You are the only one who creates your reality
• Happier thoughts leads to essentially happier bio-chemistry
• What you resists, persists
• Focus on what you want; what you don’t want will fall away.
• Every single “why not” is a creation
• Constantly put yourself in a state of joy