Friday.

As a teenager, I have always loved Fridays. It's the day when I get off school early, hangout with my friends, catch a movie, meet-up with my boyfriend, watch basketball games, whatever have you. You might say that Saturday is a much better day 'cause I can enjoy the whole day doing all those things but back in the day (yes, I feel I'm that old), Saturdays are for choir practices. Sure, I can hangout after practice but it seems like it's never as fun and as exciting as Friday...at least for me.

Now, at 24 years old, I dread Fridays. It's the day of the week when I expect someone to call me up, asking if I wanted to have a couple rounds of beers (or coffee). It's the day when looking at my Twitter and Instagram feed makes me want to bang my head to the wall. It's the day when I force myself to sleep really early. I know I have a kid and all but that doesn't mean I should stop living my (single) life, does it?

I know what you're going to say: I should just ask someone - anyone - out and I probably should but the problem with that is it seems like almost all of the people I want to be with on a Friday night would rather be with someone else. That, or they're too far away from the place where I wanna hangout (I can't adjust as of the moment, I don't have the financial capacity to just yet).

If it isn't obvious yet, I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow. There might be a turn of events, yes, but I'm not entirely counting on it.

Mother's Day Realization

My perception of my mother hasn't changed from highschool. Up to now, I'd still get jealous of those people who became bestfriends with their moms after the teenage years. Hope this happens to me soon. If not, I hope I become my daughter's bestfriend when the time comes. I don't want her to feel like she can't tell me anything 'cause I'll judge her for it.

Sick and tired.

I know I'm trying too hard on making other people think that I'm handling the situation with the babydaddy really well but there are times that I just want to scream and cry and tell people I am not okay. All this positive thinking thing is taking too much energy but I know that it's gonna be worth it in the end.

I'm just sick and tired of not being cared for, you know? 'Cause - di naman sa pagbubuhat ng bangko, ano? - I'm really caring.

Weak.

I have been feeling so weak these past few weeks. Not physically, though. Physical weakness I can handle. Emotional weakness? Now that's a different story.

I've managed to stay strong for months now: Not complain when I am not given any attention, not feel dumb whenever I open my mouth, not feel small whenever I get rejected for asking to be intimate. Heck, I've even moved past the whole "Hey, we don't text/talk/see each other anymore!" dilemma but now, I feel particularly weak and no, there's no third party involved. I just feel depressed all of a sudden.

I know I'm Little Miss Positive Thinker to most people I talk to on a regular basis but there's something about these past few weeks that got me thinking about our my situation. I suddenly felt alone. Yes, I have my family and I have my friends but it takes a partnership between a man and a woman to make raising a child work. Plus, I am no dead person. I have my needs, too, as a woman.

To cover up this weakness, I've been going out with friends, drinking and partying and watching movies. But when everything's over, I cannot help but feel sad again. Sure, I've managed to smile and laugh the whole night and get all kilig over some parts of it but whenever I get home, I go back into the rut I started out in. Partida, the 'buzz' I get from drinking is still there but I can still feel the sadness.

I don't feel anything and that's a lot to say coming from a sensitive person like me. With that said, I want to ask again what I've asked over Twitter a while ago: How do you know something's not worth it anymore if pain and sadness is part of the process?