I woke up COMPLAINING and wanting things IN MY HEAD. Good Wednesday morning.
*insert sarcasm here*
For the past few days I've been trying to be numb and/or unaffected by the bad things happening in my life (e.g. super busy boyfriend) and long story short, I'm failing.
Some people I know would probably disagree with me when I say this:
I want things to affect me because that's when I feel most alive.
It has always been unbelievably hard for me to be unaffected by events and people around me just because I care enough to let it affect me. I don't want to let things go without solving (or resolving) it, I don't want to pretend to not care and I certainly don't want to not care about it even for just a second of peace in my head. I know I'm torturing myself thinking this way but I decided that it's how I want it to be. Not to attract drama into my life but to actually try to make things fair for me.
Since I am affected by these things, petty or not, I complain. And I mean really, REALLY complain. Whether it is to their faces or just in my head. Especially when I know I deserved one thing and got another. I know I can quit complaining and go do something about it but there's this little voice in my head telling me that they should know they should be doing what they should be doing and should not be reminded by anyone. May kusa, kumbaga. I mean, if you care enough for someone, you would do something without him/her reminding you. I dunno. That's just me.
I remembered one time, they asked me what I want. I wanted to tell them everything but I got all tongue-tied and said nothing instead. I also remembered one time I was telling my boyfriend I would write down absolutely everything I hate in my life but he asked me to write down all the things I want to come into my life instead. I didn't get to write them down...until I heard that scream in my head telling me that I should. That's probably how I came up with this wish list.
I'd usually ask for material (a smart phone or a smaller laptop than what we have now) things in my birthday and Christmas wish lists but I have a different wish list this time. This consists of all the wants that have been screaming in my head from the moment I closed my eyes last night 'til I woke up this morning. I have to write them all down now because if I don't I most probably will forget it again and my brain will have to scream them all to me again.
#1: I want to feel needed
Not really the "Di ako makatulog nang wala ka" type (though that would really be sweet, if you think about it) and I don't mean for him to want to keep me all to himself but a simple gesture that would make me feel needed. I've been feeling like a total nobody lately. He's so engrossed with looking for money for Jellybean (I think) he's forgotten he has a girlfriend. I'm being a total jerk here by being selfish, I know, but I don't think that a minute of his day would be too much to ask. I don't even know his activities lately. Nada. I literally feel like a wallpaper: he saw it, thought he needed it, got money (not really money, but you get what I mean) to get the wallpaper, put it on his wall, admired it for a second then left and since then haven't noticed he got it. OKAY I'M COMPLAINING AGAIN. Anyway, I want to feel needed. That's it.
#2: I want to see that he really cares for me.
I know that he does care, he gets me all the milk I need and the money we both will be needing but right now, that's just about it. I feel like Brooke Davis here.
#3: I want him to spend time with me.
I hope he turns his phone off when we're together. His clients are going waaaaaaay overboard by contacting him even during the weekends. They keep him up til the wee hours in the morning but that still isn't enough, apparently.
#4: I want to be on his priority list.
I feel that I am. He's been saving up for our family and I couldn't be any grateful but I wanted to know everything about him. I want to be the person he chooses over his friends. I want to be the one he chooses over some meeting with a client whenever it's time for Jellybean's check-ups.
#5: I want him to be (more) understanding.
I've been really, really, REALLY emotional lately. I want him to comfort me and (sometimes) tell me what I want to hear but he won't. Makikipagsabayan talaga siya. I don't know if he does that 'cause he doesn't know how it feels like to be pregnant or if he's really like that.
#6: I want him to be present in my life.
I feel like he's MIA in ALL aspects of my and his kid's life.
#7: I want to be part of his life, as well.
As in all the way part of his life. I want to know EVERYTHING. As in.
#8: I want him to treat me like his girlfriend/soon-to-be life partner carrying his kid. 'Nuff said.
That's my wish list, in case my boyfriend asks for it. I want to publish it in Facebook (since my previous boss told me that telling other people about what you want makes it come true faster) but this wish list is way too personal for that place. Maybe I'll just post a link in Twitter. Or maybe not.
No comments:
Post a Comment