Friday, May 29, 2015

Twisted

Every once in a while, I get all depressed up to the point where I just want to end it all. I even talk to Brianna, asking for her forgiveness. If not, I actually talk to the Big Guy, asking Him to end it all while I sleep.

I am weak, I admit. EVERYTHING that I've been through, each and every one of them, just weakens me as time passes. I don't know how to let them all go. They're all bottled up inside me, waiting for the perfect time to burst and tear me apart...probably, literally.

Right now, praying doesn't work. After all those times I served the Church, I still am here, at a loss, still trying to figure out how to surrender everything to Him. I don't know how to actually pray despite singing all those songs of praise in the past. Despite going to church every single Sunday. I still don't know how to do it right. How do I know? Every morning, when I wake up, I feel heavy. The phrase "pasan ang buong mundo" might be the best phrase to describe how I feel in the morning. That's how I know that my prayers don't work.

I pretend to be alright. I kinda have to. It's quite easy, though. I rarely update my social media accounts now and when I do, I post superficial stuff that my followers would just ignore. I "talk" to my friends on Viber. My boyfriend lives in the South, I live in the East. He kinda feels it, yeah, but still. My family is almost always out and when they are actually home, we are all busy doing something else. It's easy to put on that fake smile to whoever has the time of day to "look" my way, what with the emoticons and stickers and stuff.

Sometimes, I acknowledge that I need help but I honestly don't know where to go. My friends have their own problems and I don't want to burden them with my "small" problem/freakout. Same is true with the boyfriend. Plus, I know what they will say: "Ikaw lang naman makakaalis niyan sa sarili mo e." So I don't bother even just making my feelings known. My family...well, I don't actually listen to them anymore. I know they care and all but I don't know. I just stopped listening. Anyway, I could go visit a professional but since I don't have the money, I can't. I mean, I can't even grab a beer to numb the pain, for crying out loud. That's how broke I am. My go-to guilty pleasure activities - including writing - don't work anymore, too, and smoking just gets them off me for a couple of minutes.

Anyway, since I have all these thoughts in my head, it's natural to have a draft of my suicide note/last will and testament tucked somewhere in the folds of my currently twisted brain. I have a lot to say but I guess the bottomline is that I just want them all to forgive me for being weak. To forgive me for succumbing to the dark thoughts in my head. That there's no one to blame; I'm just really, really, really weak. And tired.

It scares me when I'm thinking straight but when I'm not, I'm quite ready to dive into it. I don't know if I can actually get around to doing it but if and when I do, can somebody point them to this post?

Saturday, April 18, 2015

For the first time ever...

For the first time ever, I said what I wanted to say, right when I wanted to say it. It doesn't matter what you think of me now. What matters is what I think of myself.

For the first time ever, I didn't allow you to play the blame game. There's not one incident when I didn't blame myself for something that has gotten fucked up. I grew up thinking everything was my fault because that's how you made me feel but now, I KNOW I am not at fault. If we were to murder someone together, I would be the trigger but you would be the one pulling it. That decision was entirely yours; don't blame me for "pushing you to do it". Don't you have any sort of control at all?

For the first time ever, I have asked you to listen to what you're saying before you complain. You have a knack of bossing people around and then get all hurt when people tell you off. Listen to HOW you say things. Intention is NOTHING if your mechanism is faulty.

For the first time ever, I didn't stop saying something out of sheer guilt. You accuse me of raising my "sheltered" daughter without the nuances of bad vibes and negative jujus. Now, you'll see (and hear) a more unstoppable Ale. Let me worry about having to explain to her why I act all tough and mad all the freakin' time.

For the first time ever, I will be selfish. No guilts. No ifs. No buts.

Have a great day.

Monday, March 16, 2015

I SERIOUSLY HATE FLYING.

I might be the only person I know who hates flying.

We've booked a flight for a trip a couple of weeks from now and here I am, spazzing out (not in a good way), in the middle of the night. I had a major anxiety attack and I just snorted a stick to stop myself from crying.

Stress!

Friday, March 13, 2015

PAANO NAMAN AKO?

Ever since I was a little girl, ALL of my actions were done based on what everyone else around me would say. You can call me the perfect daughter/friend/girlfriend/student. I've never heard anyone close to me complain about me. They always got what they want from me when I barely got anything back. I was fine with seeing everyone else around me smiling even if I can feel that hole inside me growing steadily with every action that's actually against what I've wanted to do.

I am never selfish. Now, I've just learned how to say no. Some people confuse that to mean that I am just being a brat for wanting things to go my way...which I don't think is wrong, to be quite frank. I've been doing things for everyone else for as long as I can remember so I don't understand why it still can't be my turn now. Paano naman ako?

My mom keeps on telling me "Ang tigas-tigas mo na!" and I keep on telling her "Di ako matigas, tinigilan ko lang kayong isipin pag nagdedesisyon ako." To tell you the truth, I don't know if this right or wrong and I don't really care. Right now, all I can think of is this: Paano naman ako? Kung walang magiisip at magaalaga sa nararamdaman ko, I better do it on my own. Bahala na kung may matamaan. I'm just so tired of putting myself last just to make other people feel better.

This has been bothering me for quite some time now that I haven't had a decent sleep for a very, very long time. I wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep. I can't eat properly. I can't even just sit down and read a book to calm my head. It's been a long time since I had a hearty laugh and it has been so damn long since I thought of nothing. I get some peace and quiet when I sleepover friends' houses - which I am extremely grateful for - but when the thought of going back to "reality" looms over me, wala na ulit. Stressed na ulit.

I just want peace of mind. Peace of MY mind. That's it. Ako naman ngayon, please.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Someone take me to the beach.

I had the very strong urge to flee last night. Just pack my bags, leave a note, and go. I don't now where we'd go off to but one thing's for sure: We're going somewhere near the sea.

I've often fantasized about living near the ocean, just waking up to the sound of the water hitting the shore, smelling coffee with that salty breeze everyday. It's probably not a good idea now that I have a daughter who I want to finish in top schools and universities but it was a damn good idea when it was just me.

I don't know why I've always had this fantasy. I don't surf and I don't think I will ever surf. I am so damn afraid of the sea and what's beneath its surface. I hate the feeling of sand in my slippers and I definitely can live without the stiff hair after a stroll by the shore but still, whenever I feel the need to relax, I picture myself on a beach with a beer in my hand, watching kids dig in the sand. There's just something about it that relaxes me.

If I could live near the beach, I would. I bet it would be a much simpler life, without everyone hustlin' every damn minute, without the pressure of actually succeeding in a career path you wouldn't have chosen for yourself in a million years - aminin, kahit naman workaholic ka at sinasabi mo sa social media na dream job mo yan, di yan ang pinapangarap ng puso mo - and without the expectations of becoming someone who is "important" to the world.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Supermommy's back!

So I am reviving my mommy blog, http://supermommychronicles.blogspot.com, because I was struck with inspiration and motivation the past week. I totes love it when that happens so now, I am making the most out of it.

Without further ado, I present to you the new and improved Supermommy Chronicles!


(Shameless plug. What are you going to do about it?)

Monday, November 10, 2014

I think it, Thought Catalog puts it in words I couldn't have strung together myself.

"Be friends. If you can’t talk about everything and work through difficulties as friends, you stand no chance of making it as a couple."
Quote lifted from here.

Couple I've known for the longest time, here you go.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Birks


(Apparently, these are called "mandals" now.)

I've always wanted a pair of these babies. First fell in love with them back in high school, when all the cool kids wore them with our school PE uniforms during the school fair. Unfortunately, "mukhang pang-construction worker paa mo!", as per my college friend, Kayette, and I prolly won't be able to pull these off so I'm not buying myself a pair. If someone gives me a pair, though, I most definitely will wear them no matter what vegetable my toes look like.

I love these things. Fo realz.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Suicide.

I used to think that suicidal people are so pathetic, they deserve what they'll do to themselves. Lately, though, it's like I'm beginning to see the appeal of it all...and it's scaring the crap out of me.

Just a few minutes ago, I was drafting my to-be suicide note while thinking of all the possible ways I could take my own life (without pain and without any kind of visible marks in any part of my body). I had to pull myself together. I can't let it win. I know that compared to a whole lot of people, my problems don't seem that bad but I've come to the conclusion that I am not strong enough...I am not strong AT ALL. I haven't been trained to fight this battle...I haven't been trained to fight any kind of battle and in my head, I have a pretty crappy life:
  • I am pretty sure I am screwing up my daughter.
  • My relationships - all of them - are so fucked up, they might as well end up killing themselves, too.
  • I am broke bankrupt.
  • I am unemployed.
  • I am not where I want to be at this point in my life. High school Ale is so disappointed.

I know I should focus on all the good things going on for me (I still live in an actual house, get to eat 3 times a day, have internet access 24/7, etc.) and I guess I do some days but most of the time, I get stressed out about how everything's not how I want it to be. It's so much harder to manage the stress now, too, because 1.) I don't want to bother anyone with my problems and the fact that I just want to dwell in them, 2.) I can't afford a night-out (or even a damn night-in) with my friends or even by myself, and 3.) I'm quitting smoking.

It's all so frustrating. And confusing. And scary.

I need (professional) help, don't I?

Friday, October 31, 2014

The Universe gives you what you ask for, nevertheless.

Do you remember asking for something specific (you think) from the Universe before and here it is, granting your wish...catch is you don't really want it anymore.

This happened to me just a while ago. I've just woken up from my nap and there it was, the answer to my prayers...two years ago. If we were in 2012, I would've jumped at the chance but we're not anymore. Now, it's just funny that the roles have been reversed and I'm finally the one who's all "Meh." Feels damn good, to be quite honest.