Saturday, April 18, 2015

For the first time ever...

For the first time ever, I said what I wanted to say, right when I wanted to say it. It doesn't matter what you think of me now. What matters is what I think of myself.

For the first time ever, I didn't allow you to play the blame game. There's not one incident when I didn't blame myself for something that has gotten fucked up. I grew up thinking everything was my fault because that's how you made me feel but now, I KNOW I am not at fault. If we were to murder someone together, I would be the trigger but you would be the one pulling it. That decision was entirely yours; don't blame me for "pushing you to do it". Don't you have any sort of control at all?

For the first time ever, I have asked you to listen to what you're saying before you complain. You have a knack of bossing people around and then get all hurt when people tell you off. Listen to HOW you say things. Intention is NOTHING if your mechanism is faulty.

For the first time ever, I didn't stop saying something out of sheer guilt. You accuse me of raising my "sheltered" daughter without the nuances of bad vibes and negative jujus. Now, you'll see (and hear) a more unstoppable Ale. Let me worry about having to explain to her why I act all tough and mad all the freakin' time.

For the first time ever, I will be selfish. No guilts. No ifs. No buts.

Have a great day.

Monday, March 16, 2015

I SERIOUSLY HATE FLYING.

I might be the only person I know who hates flying.

We've booked a flight for a trip a couple of weeks from now and here I am, spazzing out (not in a good way), in the middle of the night. I had a major anxiety attack and I just snorted a stick to stop myself from crying.

Stress!

Friday, March 13, 2015

PAANO NAMAN AKO?

Ever since I was a little girl, ALL of my actions were done based on what everyone else around me would say. You can call me the perfect daughter/friend/girlfriend/student. I've never heard anyone close to me complain about me. They always got what they want from me when I barely got anything back. I was fine with seeing everyone else around me smiling even if I can feel that hole inside me growing steadily with every action that's actually against what I've wanted to do.

I am never selfish. Now, I've just learned how to say no. Some people confuse that to mean that I am just being a brat for wanting things to go my way...which I don't think is wrong, to be quite frank. I've been doing things for everyone else for as long as I can remember so I don't understand why it still can't be my turn now. Paano naman ako?

My mom keeps on telling me "Ang tigas-tigas mo na!" and I keep on telling her "Di ako matigas, tinigilan ko lang kayong isipin pag nagdedesisyon ako." To tell you the truth, I don't know if this right or wrong and I don't really care. Right now, all I can think of is this: Paano naman ako? Kung walang magiisip at magaalaga sa nararamdaman ko, I better do it on my own. Bahala na kung may matamaan. I'm just so tired of putting myself last just to make other people feel better.

This has been bothering me for quite some time now that I haven't had a decent sleep for a very, very long time. I wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep. I can't eat properly. I can't even just sit down and read a book to calm my head. It's been a long time since I had a hearty laugh and it has been so damn long since I thought of nothing. I get some peace and quiet when I sleepover friends' houses - which I am extremely grateful for - but when the thought of going back to "reality" looms over me, wala na ulit. Stressed na ulit.

I just want peace of mind. Peace of MY mind. That's it. Ako naman ngayon, please.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Someone take me to the beach.

I had the very strong urge to flee last night. Just pack my bags, leave a note, and go. I don't now where we'd go off to but one thing's for sure: We're going somewhere near the sea.

I've often fantasized about living near the ocean, just waking up to the sound of the water hitting the shore, smelling coffee with that salty breeze everyday. It's probably not a good idea now that I have a daughter who I want to finish in top schools and universities but it was a damn good idea when it was just me.

I don't know why I've always had this fantasy. I don't surf and I don't think I will ever surf. I am so damn afraid of the sea and what's beneath its surface. I hate the feeling of sand in my slippers and I definitely can live without the stiff hair after a stroll by the shore but still, whenever I feel the need to relax, I picture myself on a beach with a beer in my hand, watching kids dig in the sand. There's just something about it that relaxes me.

If I could live near the beach, I would. I bet it would be a much simpler life, without everyone hustlin' every damn minute, without the pressure of actually succeeding in a career path you wouldn't have chosen for yourself in a million years - aminin, kahit naman workaholic ka at sinasabi mo sa social media na dream job mo yan, di yan ang pinapangarap ng puso mo - and without the expectations of becoming someone who is "important" to the world.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Supermommy's back!

So I am reviving my mommy blog, http://supermommychronicles.blogspot.com, because I was struck with inspiration and motivation the past week. I totes love it when that happens so now, I am making the most out of it.

Without further ado, I present to you the new and improved Supermommy Chronicles!


(Shameless plug. What are you going to do about it?)

Monday, November 10, 2014

I think it, Thought Catalog puts it in words I couldn't have strung together myself.

"Be friends. If you can’t talk about everything and work through difficulties as friends, you stand no chance of making it as a couple."
Quote lifted from here.

Couple I've known for the longest time, here you go.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Birks


(Apparently, these are called "mandals" now.)

I've always wanted a pair of these babies. First fell in love with them back in high school, when all the cool kids wore them with our school PE uniforms during the school fair. Unfortunately, "mukhang pang-construction worker paa mo!", as per my college friend, Kayette, and I prolly won't be able to pull these off so I'm not buying myself a pair. If someone gives me a pair, though, I most definitely will wear them no matter what vegetable my toes look like.

I love these things. Fo realz.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Suicide.

I used to think that suicidal people are so pathetic, they deserve what they'll do to themselves. Lately, though, it's like I'm beginning to see the appeal of it all...and it's scaring the crap out of me.

Just a few minutes ago, I was drafting my to-be suicide note while thinking of all the possible ways I could take my own life (without pain and without any kind of visible marks in any part of my body). I had to pull myself together. I can't let it win. I know that compared to a whole lot of people, my problems don't seem that bad but I've come to the conclusion that I am not strong enough...I am not strong AT ALL. I haven't been trained to fight this battle...I haven't been trained to fight any kind of battle and in my head, I have a pretty crappy life:
  • I am pretty sure I am screwing up my daughter.
  • My relationships - all of them - are so fucked up, they might as well end up killing themselves, too.
  • I am broke bankrupt.
  • I am unemployed.
  • I am not where I want to be at this point in my life. High school Ale is so disappointed.

I know I should focus on all the good things going on for me (I still live in an actual house, get to eat 3 times a day, have internet access 24/7, etc.) and I guess I do some days but most of the time, I get stressed out about how everything's not how I want it to be. It's so much harder to manage the stress now, too, because 1.) I don't want to bother anyone with my problems and the fact that I just want to dwell in them, 2.) I can't afford a night-out (or even a damn night-in) with my friends or even by myself, and 3.) I'm quitting smoking.

It's all so frustrating. And confusing. And scary.

I need (professional) help, don't I?

Friday, October 31, 2014

The Universe gives you what you ask for, nevertheless.

Do you remember asking for something specific (you think) from the Universe before and here it is, granting your wish...catch is you don't really want it anymore.

This happened to me just a while ago. I've just woken up from my nap and there it was, the answer to my prayers...two years ago. If we were in 2012, I would've jumped at the chance but we're not anymore. Now, it's just funny that the roles have been reversed and I'm finally the one who's all "Meh." Feels damn good, to be quite honest.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

These two, my gahd.


Monica: I’m still not done not wanting to talk to you. 
Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right. 
Monica: What? 
Chandler: Well, that’s what we do. You know, I, I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then, you know, you think I’m all cute again. 
Monica: Really? I’m really tired of being your relationship tutor. You’re gonna have to figure this one out for yourself… You know what? If you’re too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don’t be in one.

YES I'M WATCHING THE SERIES AGAIN OKAY! DON'T JUDGE ME. I'M NOT FEELING 100% OKAY LATELY SO I NEED THIS.

Anyway, I've been really relating to these two since the first time I watched the series but I realized just now that I'm more of a Chandler than a Monica especially in my current relationship. Which is quite absurd considering I'm the one who hasn't been single for more than 6 months since I first started dating.