Thursday, June 16, 2016

There are a lot of things that are nice to look at but if you really look into it, it's just the same old bullshit carefully packaged in pretty, shiny paper.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Please allow me to blabber like an idiot.

I've finally realized who I am: I am Eventually Girl.

According to Vocabulary.com, "eventually" is referred to as "an unspecific time when something will be completed, and it usually suggests it won't be done soon."

So me, amirite? The child who gets the last say on hand-me-downs. The sibling who needs to let her younger sister in the bathroom first. The girl who's "so cool" for "agreeing" to be the last in line in a guy's priority list. The last person to be asked out by friends.

I would like to believe that as an introvert, it's not so bad 'cause I get to have a quiet day without people bugging me to do something but whenever the realization hits me - I didn't know what to call it then but I sure feel it all the time - it hits me so hard, I want to skin myself alive. Literally. I've kept all of my blades and scissors hidden somewhere inconvenient just so I won't get to them. I know, I know. If there's a will, there's a way. But I'm the laziest person I know so that tactic will work just fine.

Like today. I've been going about my usual routine when a text message triggered my deep-seated self-hate. I'm so irritable the whole day. Nothing, not even pasta - PASTA! - could make me feel better.

Now that my daughter is asleep and everything around me's dark and quiet, it's bubbling up to the surface. I needed to let it out. Since I have never been a musician or an artist or anywhere near "talented", I'm here, trying to unload maybe just a fraction of the heaviness on my chest. It's kinda working. I don't feel the urge to cry again but it's still quite heavy.

And can I just say that crying sucks? I mean, I may be coming off as weak or sad or something like that when I cry but I'm not. I'm angry. That's it. The tears should just stop and I should just turn into the Hulk or something. Seriously. That would be cool.

Anyway, I tried unloading some of these to people around me but somehow I came off as ungrateful. "May mga taong mas malalaki ang problema sayo kaya magpasalamat ka na ganyan lang problema mo." Sometimes, I come off as a drama queen. "Ano ba? Arte mo ah. Wala yan no." There was one time, I felt like I was just being a whiny crybaby. "Nako, kung pinagdaanan mo yung mga pinagdaanan ko, di mo kakayanin kasi konting hirap lang, give-up ka na." So, yeah. I stopped talking to people about it. Pabigat lang e.

I don't think anybody "close" to me understands how hard this is. What's worse is I don't think they'd want anything to do with it. They just want me to "quit being a baby" and get back to that perky little college girl who isn't at all complicated.

Yeah. Like I don't want that for myself.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Self-esteem lvl: 99999999999

Please allow me to humblebrag a bit because I am really insecure of my writing skills (yes, I do this for a living but really my faith on my work is at a negative percentage) but my client paid me 200% more than what we talked about and he just awarded me his new project.

Good God, You are real. Thank You!

#TeamReal
(on a different context tho)
(also the JaDine context but we all know that)
(maisingit lang ang JaDine #fangirl #alldayerrday)

Edit (1:30AM): Client just bumped me up to team leader. Thank You, dear Lord, for the abundance that is mine.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Damn it, Clark and Leah!

So I just finished rewatching On the Wings of Love again and can I just say that I've always wanted to do this on my wedding day since I was in gradeschool:


and now that you two got married before I did, people would think I copied this from you guys because I've got the OJD all the JaDine fans have and I can't have that...

Sunday, March 27, 2016

This is the shallowest blog post I will ever publish.

Believe me, people, I will not disappoint.

Growing up, I was led to believe that I was pretty. Everyone - literally, everyone - liked me. Like-liked me. Neighbors, classmates, schoolmates, churchmates... I don't know what it was. Maybe I was just raised in a small enough community which didn't really produce movie stars but back then, when someone didn't like me, like me, I would shrug it off and say "meh, baka mahilig sa pangit."

Highschool was pretty much the same, with both boys and girls courting me even with the knowledge that I was with someone. Same with college. I had a blast going out on dates during those rare times I was single.

Now, nothing. I feel so harassed with everything. I am roughly 20 pounds overweight. I am so damn tired of everything all the freakin' time. I sometimes even get the feeling that my very own boyfriend don't find me pretty enough. Yes, the same guy who's been infatuated with me since second grade, that guy.

I don't know what it is. I should really work on this self-confidence thing if I want to Alice Dixon my way into old age... Right?! Alice Dixon?! My god, that woman's got it going on!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

22

22 more How I Met Your Mother episodes and I'll start binge-watching On The Wings of Love. I need to see the entire series without the commercials and the weekends and the waiting. Yes. It's happening.
I can't die now.

I'm feeling a lot of stuff these past few weeks enough to unleash the paranoid girl inside me. All of these things I'm feeling lead up to a heart attack...at least that's what WebMD told me.

Anyway, I will be having myself checked one of these days because I seriously can't die anytime soon. My life is at a point where I ain't complainin' 'bout nothin' and everything seems to be going my way for the first time ever. I am at a point in my life where the voices in my head have been silenced by the magnificent God I've been fervently praying to. As the cliche goes, "I am not exactly in the place where I want to be in but I am definitely on my way" or something to that effect so please, Dear Lord, spare me from any illness. I promise to let go of the stinky habit of smoking, no matter how hard it is. Just don't take me yet.

So weird typing out those words when just a few months back, I've been contemplating strangling myself with a belt but yeah. I need to live. If not for me, for my daughter. Please Lord.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Feels.

On the Wings of Love is ending tonight. JaDine finally revealed that they've been #TeamReal for quite a while now. That Araneta wedding playing over and over again in my head.

The feels.

Just. Too. Much.

I've never fallen in love with a Filipino loveteam since Carlo Aquino and Angelica Panganiban and I'm feeling things all over again.

I'm coming out.

I'm a JaDine fan.

As in legit-fangirling-whenever-I-see-them-anywhere JaDine fan. Not really on the same level as those fans who follow them literally everywhere, but still a fan. Proud of what they're achieving now and totes not bitter-ing all over the place since James said "Nadine... I love you" in Araneta. Wow. Feels good to be a "matured" fangirl.

Friday, February 19, 2016

With all that said, I still won't be voting for him to bag a seat on the Senate because I believe that he is such an incompetent politician. He better stick to boxing. Train a protege, coach existing boxers, write a column on the paper. If he wants to help the Filipino people, I don't think being a Senator will help him achieve this. Open a foundation, donate infrastructures. There are a lot of things he can do if help is the reason for his senatorial bid. Better yet, maybe he can help with his Church. Manny Pacquiao has the right amount of charisma that can be fully utilized inside their Church. Helping the poor and influencing a lot of people? Check.

Can I get an "amen"?

Realizations 2 days after the whole Manny Pacquiao hoopla

My emotions were as high as the LGBT community's the moment I read of Manny Pacquiao's statement on Facebook 2 days ago. Although I am not part of the LGBT community per se - I have some very confusing moments during my highschool and early college days - I am quite appalled at the very strong words the Pambansang Kamao mentioned at that interview. And after reading - and reacting to - tons of forums and threads about this issue, I came to several conclusions which can be quite promising/disappointing, depending on your stance on the issue.

1. There are still a lot of people who are scared of getting "the cooties".

I honestly thought the cooties fever would end at second grade, when kids start realizing that "Hey, I think that girl/boy's cute. I want to spend time with her." Seriously, people. You won't "catch" it if you spend a day with gays/lesbians. As Susan Bunch from Friends say, "Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don’t let you do it." Well, of course, you don't actually need to take a course to be one but it sure feels confusing the first time you realize it; much like the confusion you get when you step into the university for the very first time (I think).

2. A lot of Christians are judgemental as fuck.

I'm not even gonna lie; I've had my moments. I was born and raised to judge people the way they dress in public. I eyed that woman who wore a racy ensemble on the way to work. I laughed at the guy who wore Crocs with socks while he was running his errands. I even reprimanded a teen who had her cleavage on full display at the cafe near my then-office. I am judgemental, yes, but these self-proclaimed spokespersons of the Lord are much more judgemental than I am. I know it won't matter from God's perspective but I would just like to say that I just judge people based on their decisions on what to wear that morning. It ends there. If they wanted to have crazy monkey sex with their partners who are of the same gender at the end of the day with their socks on, be my guest. What happens inside their bedroom is none of my business, as it should be. Same is true with people who are not as open to same sex relationships/marriages as I am. They believe it's wrong and I respect that. I won't even begin to convince them to change their minds.

3. Hypocrites under the Anonymous guise are very much rampant on Facebook.

Anywhere online, really. I know they've been there before but when I was still part of the workforce, I never really put any attention to the comments section. I read an article on my timeline, close it, then open another one to read. 2 years ago, I've started the habit of reading the comments section and realized that it was, more often than not, a lot more entertaining than the actual article. So when this whole Manny Pacquiao thing blew out of proportion, I thought, "I'm so ready for this" but turns out, I wasn't. People quoting the Bible and pushing their beliefs down other people's throats started going at one another the moment I clicked on "View more comments". Come on, people. You know you started having sex at the tender age of 15. You know you've cheated on your husband at least twice this past week. You know you've masturbated your way to a good night's sleep last night. You've even gossiped about your friend's boobjob at your work's weekly inuman sesh. Stop copy-pasting "God's words" to "sinners'" comments. You know you are one.

4. Whatever he said, Manny Pacquiao still brought pride to us Filipinos.

I may have wanted to slap Manny's face when he uttered those words on-cam - you are a politician, man, not a pastor! - but I cannot take away the fact that at one point in my life, I could say that that "politician" made me proud to be a Filipino when he was still just an athlete. He's the best thing that happened to Philippine boxing since Gabriel "Flash" Elorde, no doubt.

5. There are at least 5 people on my Facebook friends list that kept on changing their "beliefs" in the 2 days this issue has been trending.

I should really unfriend them now. Mga walang paninindigan. Yes, I'm also critical of people's Facebook statuses.

We all have the need to feel we're right and that we're above someone else. I guess it's human nature. But at this age and after all that I've been through in life, can I just ask for one thing?

Let's all just agree to disagree on some things.

We were all raised differently, with different priorities and different values. We can never find one single thing that the entire human race will agree upon on. I can guarantee you that. Majority may agree, yes, but not EVERYONE will. Just let it go. That's one man's opinion. Why should I allow it to shake my core, right?