Wednesday, February 10, 2016

It physically hurts.



On the Wings of Love is down to its last 3 weeks and it seems like the show's directors decided to give their audience the biggest heartbreak in the show's finale, at the rate things are going.

A few days ago, they decided to give us, their loyal viewers a peek of what's in store in Clark and Leah's journey and for that, I'd want to thank the entire OTWOL team. Thank you for shattering the illusion I've had these past few months of how perfect Clark and Leah's marriage is despite the unconventional context the idea of them getting married was in the beginning. Thank you for destroying the flawlessness of Clark Medina, the ideal guy to bring home to mom. Thank you for giving Leah Olivar the opportunity to make her dreams come true.

Thank you.

But most of all, thank you for giving me the biggest heartbreak I've had since 2013.

Yes, I am heavily invested in Clark and Leah's love story. I can't say that I am a JaDine fan - merely watching all films/TV shows they've appeared in doesn't count as being a fan, in my standards - but I'm definitely an OTWOLista who cried with Clark when Leah left him at the San Francisco airport that fateful October night, rejoiced with Leah when she landed that job in ArtMart Manila despite doubting herself, and root for Tolayts as he continuously proves his love for Manang Tiffany (Yes, I'm a huge fan of Tolayts).

So imagine how heartbroken I was when Leah decided to leave the Philippines for a job opportunity in Dubai. All the episodes prior to last night's episode have been leading up to this decision but I was rooting for Leah to change her mind and decide to let Clark help her. They are husband and wife, after all. But true to the 'unpredictable' impression they first gave their viewers, the OTWOL team decided to let Leah Olivar's fearlessness dictate the couple's fate. She had a dream and a drive. She won't let anything - not even her husband - hinder her from fulfilling a lifelong dream to give her family a better life. I am all for women empowerment but I have to be honest: This decision knocked the air out of my lungs. I wouldn't have done it, especially with the knowledge that I will still be granted the promotion once Simon leaves. There is always a way to make things work without leaving the other one to freeze out in the cold but that's just me.

I haven't even had a chance to recover from that Monday night heartbreak, Antoinette Jadaone decided to drop another huge bomb reminiscent of the SanFo airport scene, this time in CIA (probably), with a miserable Clark Medina looking for his wife in the vast, albeit empty, airport the very next day. The look on James Reid's face brought me to tears, feeling like I was the one Leah left without a goodbye. Each and every scene from the February 9 episode is so heartbreaking, I'm actually thinking of boycotting the series until On the Wings of Love ends. Not that I can actually do that since I would love to see how all of this will unfold in the end. It just hurts. It physically hurts me to watch these two grow apart.

Despite all the hurt these two are giving me, though, I am still for Team #CLeah. I am still for Clark Medina and Leah Olivar - Medina. Naniniwala parin ako sa forever.







(You'd think that after all I've been through with men boys, I'd be more cynical/jaded/bitter but thank God, I'm not.)

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Resolution Schremolution

So this year started a few days ago and up until now, I still haven't gotten my list of resolutions yet. This morning, I decided to kick the "habit" of formulating resolutions at the start of the year and just enjoy whatever life throws my way. Last year was pretty brutal and I beat myself up for not living up to a list so ambitious, my 6th grade adviser would've been proud. 2015 ended great, though, so I've been really thankful for that but, yeah... 2016 is the beginning of resolution-free New Years for me - not even "Be more optimistic/positive" - so yay for no expectations!

Bring it, Universe!

Monday, December 21, 2015

OTWOL Feedback...

...from someone who didn't succeed in broadcasting.

I'm sorry. I've been an avid follower of this Nadine Lustre - James Reid serye, mostly because of James Reid's ab exposures, and I've noticed a huge dip in the quality of their output and James' half-nakedness.

I graduated with a degree in Communication Arts and have learned a thing or two when I worked freelance for TV and TV commercials upon graduation. I would want to point out some of my observations, not that they matter at all:
  1. The storytelling suddenly became sloppy. I know, I know. Taping and writing every single day can be tiring but there's a reason why ABS-CBN is paying people for this project. I hope they find a way to tell OTWOL like they did before. I'M ROOTING FOR YOU GAIZ.
  2. Continuity! Please lang po. You can check previous wardrobe and make-up from tapes from the day before. Nadine tends to suffer this one the most. She wore 2 different sets of clothes for one day - same episode pa! - kaya kitang-kita. You can ask production assistants to take note of this.
  3. Transitions have become scarce these past few weeks. I don't know why this is the case because there are a lot of scenes that the story (both its entirety and just for a single episode) can do without anyway. Why not lose those in exchange of better transitions?
  4. And speaking of transitions, the music that comes with them are not edited well, in my opinion. Plus, there are parts of specific episodes where the music is so much louder than the talkies (Tama ba ang jargons ko, classmates?).
  5. I LOVE TOLAYTS AND CLARK'S ALIPORES!
  6. But I love James Reid's abs more so please give me back my James abs time!
I am not a professional or anything. I just want you guys to succeed! Team JaDine all the way! Let's do this, team! #CertifiedOTWOLista

Lastly,

Sunday, December 20, 2015

You better watch out.

I came face-to-face with one of the meanest people I will ever meet in my lifetime this weekend. I used to think that kontrabidas just lived inside the television until this witch came waltzing in, complete with a fan, a raised eyebrow and her perfectly combed hair. Imagine Susan Roces minus the positive aura.

If I were given the chance to be honest with her - and if I were a rude sonofabitch - there are 3 things I'd like to tell her: 1) Leave my daughter out of this. 2) Don't you ever talk down on me again. I respect the elderly but - and you could ask my boyfriend, your nephew, about this - I am not one to take that kind of talk and just be cool with it. I have a really bad temper and I am not afraid to let it loose especially when I am protecting myself and the people I care about the most. It doesn't matter that you're old and you're my boyfriend's aunt; you WILL hear from me if you do that again. And 3) Your money doesn't make you better than anyone. You might be rich financially but for me, you definitely are the poorest person to walk the Earth with that attitude.

After the encounter with the worst person I know, I felt gratitude. I felt thankful that my parents, despite their imperfections, NEVER made anyone feel that way. Yeah, my mom gossips a lot and tend to be a tad bit judgemental especially when it comes to people's physical appearance and my dad can be painfully critical of everyone around him but they have never made anyone feel that they're above them. They can be self-righteous from time to time but who isn't, right? Point is, they have a lot to brag about, too, but they never exuded that "high and mighty" air that woman seemed to have bathed in; most especially not to family. That wench keep stepping all over her family, you'd be surprised she's still alive.

You know what's even more surprising, though? She's never missed a Sunday mass in her life. Talk about ironic.

Friday, July 31, 2015

The Waiting Game

God finally gave me the opportunity to make my dreams come true after 26 years of waiting.

I didn't take it. Why?

Because I thought I did the right thing by rejecting the offer.

Because I didn't want to hurt people.

Now, it might take me 26 more years before He decides to give me another chance...

Quite frankly, I'm not sure if I'd want to can wait that long again.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Twisted

Every once in a while, I get all depressed up to the point where I just want to end it all. I even talk to Brianna, asking for her forgiveness. If not, I actually talk to the Big Guy, asking Him to end it all while I sleep.

I am weak, I admit. EVERYTHING that I've been through, each and every one of them, just weakens me as time passes. I don't know how to let them all go. They're all bottled up inside me, waiting for the perfect time to burst and tear me apart...probably, literally.

Right now, praying doesn't work. After all those times I served the Church, I still am here, at a loss, still trying to figure out how to surrender everything to Him. I don't know how to actually pray despite singing all those songs of praise in the past. Despite going to church every single Sunday. I still don't know how to do it right. How do I know? Every morning, when I wake up, I feel heavy. The phrase "pasan ang buong mundo" might be the best phrase to describe how I feel in the morning. That's how I know that my prayers don't work.

I pretend to be alright. I kinda have to. It's quite easy, though. I rarely update my social media accounts now and when I do, I post superficial stuff that my followers would just ignore. I "talk" to my friends on Viber. My boyfriend lives in the South, I live in the East. He kinda feels it, yeah, but still. My family is almost always out and when they are actually home, we are all busy doing something else. It's easy to put on that fake smile to whoever has the time of day to "look" my way, what with the emoticons and stickers and stuff.

Sometimes, I acknowledge that I need help but I honestly don't know where to go. My friends have their own problems and I don't want to burden them with my "small" problem/freakout. Same is true with the boyfriend. Plus, I know what they will say: "Ikaw lang naman makakaalis niyan sa sarili mo e." So I don't bother even just making my feelings known. My family...well, I don't actually listen to them anymore. I know they care and all but I don't know. I just stopped listening. Anyway, I could go visit a professional but since I don't have the money, I can't. I mean, I can't even grab a beer to numb the pain, for crying out loud. That's how broke I am. My go-to guilty pleasure activities - including writing - don't work anymore, too, and smoking just gets them off me for a couple of minutes.

Anyway, since I have all these thoughts in my head, it's natural to have a draft of my suicide note/last will and testament tucked somewhere in the folds of my currently twisted brain. I have a lot to say but I guess the bottomline is that I just want them all to forgive me for being weak. To forgive me for succumbing to the dark thoughts in my head. That there's no one to blame; I'm just really, really, really weak. And tired.

It scares me when I'm thinking straight but when I'm not, I'm quite ready to dive into it. I don't know if I can actually get around to doing it but if and when I do, can somebody point them to this post?

Saturday, April 18, 2015

For the first time ever...

For the first time ever, I said what I wanted to say, right when I wanted to say it. It doesn't matter what you think of me now. What matters is what I think of myself.

For the first time ever, I didn't allow you to play the blame game. There's not one incident when I didn't blame myself for something that has gotten fucked up. I grew up thinking everything was my fault because that's how you made me feel but now, I KNOW I am not at fault. If we were to murder someone together, I would be the trigger but you would be the one pulling it. That decision was entirely yours; don't blame me for "pushing you to do it". Don't you have any sort of control at all?

For the first time ever, I have asked you to listen to what you're saying before you complain. You have a knack of bossing people around and then get all hurt when people tell you off. Listen to HOW you say things. Intention is NOTHING if your mechanism is faulty.

For the first time ever, I didn't stop saying something out of sheer guilt. You accuse me of raising my "sheltered" daughter without the nuances of bad vibes and negative jujus. Now, you'll see (and hear) a more unstoppable Ale. Let me worry about having to explain to her why I act all tough and mad all the freakin' time.

For the first time ever, I will be selfish. No guilts. No ifs. No buts.

Have a great day.

Monday, March 16, 2015

I SERIOUSLY HATE FLYING.

I might be the only person I know who hates flying.

We've booked a flight for a trip a couple of weeks from now and here I am, spazzing out (not in a good way), in the middle of the night. I had a major anxiety attack and I just snorted a stick to stop myself from crying.

Stress!

Friday, March 13, 2015

PAANO NAMAN AKO?

Ever since I was a little girl, ALL of my actions were done based on what everyone else around me would say. You can call me the perfect daughter/friend/girlfriend/student. I've never heard anyone close to me complain about me. They always got what they want from me when I barely got anything back. I was fine with seeing everyone else around me smiling even if I can feel that hole inside me growing steadily with every action that's actually against what I've wanted to do.

I am never selfish. Now, I've just learned how to say no. Some people confuse that to mean that I am just being a brat for wanting things to go my way...which I don't think is wrong, to be quite frank. I've been doing things for everyone else for as long as I can remember so I don't understand why it still can't be my turn now. Paano naman ako?

My mom keeps on telling me "Ang tigas-tigas mo na!" and I keep on telling her "Di ako matigas, tinigilan ko lang kayong isipin pag nagdedesisyon ako." To tell you the truth, I don't know if this right or wrong and I don't really care. Right now, all I can think of is this: Paano naman ako? Kung walang magiisip at magaalaga sa nararamdaman ko, I better do it on my own. Bahala na kung may matamaan. I'm just so tired of putting myself last just to make other people feel better.

This has been bothering me for quite some time now that I haven't had a decent sleep for a very, very long time. I wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep. I can't eat properly. I can't even just sit down and read a book to calm my head. It's been a long time since I had a hearty laugh and it has been so damn long since I thought of nothing. I get some peace and quiet when I sleepover friends' houses - which I am extremely grateful for - but when the thought of going back to "reality" looms over me, wala na ulit. Stressed na ulit.

I just want peace of mind. Peace of MY mind. That's it. Ako naman ngayon, please.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Someone take me to the beach.

I had the very strong urge to flee last night. Just pack my bags, leave a note, and go. I don't now where we'd go off to but one thing's for sure: We're going somewhere near the sea.

I've often fantasized about living near the ocean, just waking up to the sound of the water hitting the shore, smelling coffee with that salty breeze everyday. It's probably not a good idea now that I have a daughter who I want to finish in top schools and universities but it was a damn good idea when it was just me.

I don't know why I've always had this fantasy. I don't surf and I don't think I will ever surf. I am so damn afraid of the sea and what's beneath its surface. I hate the feeling of sand in my slippers and I definitely can live without the stiff hair after a stroll by the shore but still, whenever I feel the need to relax, I picture myself on a beach with a beer in my hand, watching kids dig in the sand. There's just something about it that relaxes me.

If I could live near the beach, I would. I bet it would be a much simpler life, without everyone hustlin' every damn minute, without the pressure of actually succeeding in a career path you wouldn't have chosen for yourself in a million years - aminin, kahit naman workaholic ka at sinasabi mo sa social media na dream job mo yan, di yan ang pinapangarap ng puso mo - and without the expectations of becoming someone who is "important" to the world.