Thursday, April 6, 2017

Why, hello there.

Wow. It's been sooooooooo daaaaaaaamn looooooong since I last updated, I don't even know what I was talking about in the entry before this.

Anyway, I've been feeling stuck for the past couple of days and felt like I've nowhere else to go. Still, I've no one to talk to. Not that I know what I want to talk about because even in my head, they all don't make sense. Just a huge pile of nonsensical stuff - probably - that I needed to dump somewhere...which explains why I'm back.

I don't even know where to start. All I know is I am feeling anxious over everything, all the time. Like, literally, I get anxiety attacks 2, 3 times a day. Today, I finished half a pack of cigarettes - which is a huge setback from the 3-sticks-per-day limit I imposed on myself - just because I was anxious over something. That's the only way I can describe that thing I was anxious about: Something. I don't even know what it was but I was panicking inside my head like some lunatic who forgot her meds.

Sometimes, I get sad/jealous/resentful looking through my Facebook timeline, seeing photo after photo after photo of "friends'" nightouts, vacations, properties (yes, like their own houses), weddings, etc. It led me to the conclusion that a.) I don't actually have friends; just people I know. And b.) that I don't have an actual job that would let me live the life I want. I don't even have enough money to start a small business (as in kahit mga fishball business, di ko ma-afford). Plus, I don't have any talent I can use to make some money. At this point, I can't even say 'I'm broke' because that'd be an understatement.

I'll be turning 29 this year and I still haven't achieved anything in life; except be a mom to an awesome 6-year-old. Which is great, don't get me wrong although I'd still like to do tons of things but being dirt poor is preventing me from going back to school (for a certificate course lang, nothing fancy) and going to the beach (without the parents and siblings, cause they pay for everything) and even just going out with friends (as in legit going out, not tambay-sa-bahay "going out").

I don't know. I'm so all over the place right now and I have no one to talk to. Probably because I want people to think that I have my shit together even though I really don't. Oo, I want to keep up that front with my family and boyfriend as well. Actually, they're the first set of people who I'd want to think that I have everything under control. They expect a strong and a well-put together me and I don't want to disappoint...more than I already have.

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