Please allow me to blabber like an idiot.

I've finally realized who I am: I am Eventually Girl.

According to Vocabulary.com, "eventually" is referred to as "an unspecific time when something will be completed, and it usually suggests it won't be done soon."

So me, amirite? The child who gets the last say on hand-me-downs. The sibling who needs to let her younger sister in the bathroom first. The girl who's "so cool" for "agreeing" to be the last in line in a guy's priority list. The last person to be asked out by friends.

I would like to believe that as an introvert, it's not so bad 'cause I get to have a quiet day without people bugging me to do something but whenever the realization hits me - I didn't know what to call it then but I sure feel it all the time - it hits me so hard, I want to skin myself alive. Literally. I've kept all of my blades and scissors hidden somewhere inconvenient just so I won't get to them. I know, I know. If there's a will, there's a way. But I'm the laziest person I know so that tactic will work just fine.

Like today. I've been going about my usual routine when a text message triggered my deep-seated self-hate. I'm so irritable the whole day. Nothing, not even pasta - PASTA! - could make me feel better.

Now that my daughter is asleep and everything around me's dark and quiet, it's bubbling up to the surface. I needed to let it out. Since I have never been a musician or an artist or anywhere near "talented", I'm here, trying to unload maybe just a fraction of the heaviness on my chest. It's kinda working. I don't feel the urge to cry again but it's still quite heavy.

And can I just say that crying sucks? I mean, I may be coming off as weak or sad or something like that when I cry but I'm not. I'm angry. That's it. The tears should just stop and I should just turn into the Hulk or something. Seriously. That would be cool.

Anyway, I tried unloading some of these to people around me but somehow I came off as ungrateful. "May mga taong mas malalaki ang problema sayo kaya magpasalamat ka na ganyan lang problema mo." Sometimes, I come off as a drama queen. "Ano ba? Arte mo ah. Wala yan no." There was one time, I felt like I was just being a whiny crybaby. "Nako, kung pinagdaanan mo yung mga pinagdaanan ko, di mo kakayanin kasi konting hirap lang, give-up ka na." So, yeah. I stopped talking to people about it. Pabigat lang e.

I don't think anybody "close" to me understands how hard this is. What's worse is I don't think they'd want anything to do with it. They just want me to "quit being a baby" and get back to that perky little college girl who isn't at all complicated.

Yeah. Like I don't want that for myself.