Thursday, November 21, 2013

This is the last time that I'm talking about this.

This is the first time I've seen a post that was meant for me published a few months ago and I honestly don't know how to feel about it. Don't get me wrong, though. I've probably made the best decision of my life by walking out of the most toxic relationship I will ever be in in my lifetime and I will stand by that decision til the last of my days because I will never ever allow anyone to disrespect me ever again. It's just that a part of me feels bad for the guy. Yes, after all that I've been through in all my, what, 2 1/2 years with him, I still am the one feeling bad for him.

I don't really know why but it's probably the fact that he doesn't understand everything that happened to him and why they happened. Why I walked out of his life, why it all happened in a blink of an eye and why all of a sudden, I had no love left for him. Let me shed some light on these: First of all, I walked out because I didn't feel respected both as a woman and a person. I admit, I am not one of those independent women I hope I was. I'm not even close to becoming independent, especially if we were to talk about matters of the heart. With that said, I am one of those hopeless romantic, damsels-in-distress who are waiting to be swept off their feet by a knight in shining armor atop his trusty steed. I understand not all men get the logic behind this but is it too much to ask for a little respect? No need to call me "immature" for hoping a prince will kiss all the troubles away. A simple "I can't possibly live up to that" would've sufficed. And the desire to be respected doesn't end there: Smoking while walking/standing on the sidewalk without being called a slut (pokpok, to be more specific), wearing shorts without being told I just want guys to notice me, following my parents' advice without being told I can't make my own decisions... It's a long ass list that I wouldn't want to bore anyone with.

Everything didn't happen in a blink of an eye, too, as much as he wants to believe otherwise. In the 5th month of the relationship, I began telling him everything. I wanted to be open to him because that's what a healthy relationship needs but trust me when I say hearing "Ano nanaman bang problema? Yan nanaman? Diba nasabi mo na yan dati?" every damn time you try to bring up a situation you feel uncomfortable with can do massive damage to your psyche. I started clamming up when I entered my 3rd trimester, thinking I was a single woman halfway through 2012 and actually moving on January 1st of this year, when my goals and dreams were all stepped on by the person who's supposed to be helping me reach them. Being called a "gold digger" for wanting all the basic things in life is the final nail on the coffin. So no, the break-up didn't happen in a blink of an eye. I guess it follows that the flame died little by little until there was no more flame to speak of. The only mistake I think I made when it came to the break-up is that I waited that long to end the relationship. It wasn't fair to him and it most certainly wasn't fair for me.

He said he still wants to marry me and I'm flattered but please believe me when I say that it's not going to happen. The girl who was so hopelessly in love with him, the girl who was about to disobey her parents just to marry him (for all the wrong reasons), the girl who was willing to risk every damn thing for a man who didn't return even just a bit of respect she's given him...that girl is long gone and so is everything that I've ever felt for him...yes, including the hurt and the anger. I am lifting them all up to Him and hope that the forgiveness comes cause then, I'll finally get the peace of mind I so longed for.

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