Wednesday, November 5, 2014


I used to think that suicidal people are so pathetic, they deserve what they'll do to themselves. Lately, though, it's like I'm beginning to see the appeal of it all...and it's scaring the crap out of me.

Just a few minutes ago, I was drafting my to-be suicide note while thinking of all the possible ways I could take my own life (without pain and without any kind of visible marks in any part of my body). I had to pull myself together. I can't let it win. I know that compared to a whole lot of people, my problems don't seem that bad but I've come to the conclusion that I am not strong enough...I am not strong AT ALL. I haven't been trained to fight this battle...I haven't been trained to fight any kind of battle and in my head, I have a pretty crappy life:
  • I am pretty sure I am screwing up my daughter.
  • My relationships - all of them - are so fucked up, they might as well end up killing themselves, too.
  • I am broke bankrupt.
  • I am unemployed.
  • I am not where I want to be at this point in my life. High school Ale is so disappointed.

I know I should focus on all the good things going on for me (I still live in an actual house, get to eat 3 times a day, have internet access 24/7, etc.) and I guess I do some days but most of the time, I get stressed out about how everything's not how I want it to be. It's so much harder to manage the stress now, too, because 1.) I don't want to bother anyone with my problems and the fact that I just want to dwell in them, 2.) I can't afford a night-out (or even a damn night-in) with my friends or even by myself, and 3.) I'm quitting smoking.

It's all so frustrating. And confusing. And scary.

I need (professional) help, don't I?

1 comment:

  1. Hello dear!

    Right after I've read this post, I prayed for you. Sufferings really are inevitable -- but hold on to God and His word. He knows your worries and even knows all your needs even before praying. :) Ask for peace and rest, and He will give it to you, to us..

    PS. Your daughter is so cute! She is your angel!