Kagulo

My personal life has been in shambles for quite a while now but I've never expected my OTP to be in some sort of controversy while I'm still trying to figure out how I'll deal with everything. I mean, EVERYTHING'S FALLING APAAAAAART!

Good news, though: Hitting rock bottom made me realize that there's no other way but up!

#kapit
#StrongerFiercerJaDine
#StrongerFiercerAle

Why, hello there.

Wow. It's been sooooooooo daaaaaaaamn looooooong since I last updated, I don't even know what I was talking about in the entry before this.

Anyway, I've been feeling stuck for the past couple of days and felt like I've nowhere else to go. Still, I've no one to talk to. Not that I know what I want to talk about because even in my head, they all don't make sense. Just a huge pile of nonsensical stuff - probably - that I needed to dump somewhere...which explains why I'm back.

I don't even know where to start. All I know is I am feeling anxious over everything, all the time. Like, literally, I get anxiety attacks 2, 3 times a day. Today, I finished half a pack of cigarettes - which is a huge setback from the 3-sticks-per-day limit I imposed on myself - just because I was anxious over something. That's the only way I can describe that thing I was anxious about: Something. I don't even know what it was but I was panicking inside my head like some lunatic who forgot her meds.

Sometimes, I get sad/jealous/resentful looking through my Facebook timeline, seeing photo after photo after photo of "friends'" nightouts, vacations, properties (yes, like their own houses), weddings, etc. It led me to the conclusion that a.) I don't actually have friends; just people I know. And b.) that I don't have an actual job that would let me live the life I want. I don't even have enough money to start a small business (as in kahit mga fishball business, di ko ma-afford). Plus, I don't have any talent I can use to make some money. At this point, I can't even say 'I'm broke' because that'd be an understatement.

I'll be turning 29 this year and I still haven't achieved anything in life; except be a mom to an awesome 6-year-old. Which is great, don't get me wrong although I'd still like to do tons of things but being dirt poor is preventing me from going back to school (for a certificate course lang, nothing fancy) and going to the beach (without the parents and siblings, cause they pay for everything) and even just going out with friends (as in legit going out, not tambay-sa-bahay "going out").

I don't know. I'm so all over the place right now and I have no one to talk to. Probably because I want people to think that I have my shit together even though I really don't. Oo, I want to keep up that front with my family and boyfriend as well. Actually, they're the first set of people who I'd want to think that I have everything under control. They expect a strong and a well-put together me and I don't want to disappoint...more than I already have.

There are a lot of things that are nice to look at but if you really look into it, it's just the same old bullshit carefully packaged in pretty, shiny paper.

Please allow me to blabber like an idiot.

I've finally realized who I am: I am Eventually Girl.

According to Vocabulary.com, "eventually" is referred to as "an unspecific time when something will be completed, and it usually suggests it won't be done soon."

So me, amirite? The child who gets the last say on hand-me-downs. The sibling who needs to let her younger sister in the bathroom first. The girl who's "so cool" for "agreeing" to be the last in line in a guy's priority list. The last person to be asked out by friends.

I would like to believe that as an introvert, it's not so bad 'cause I get to have a quiet day without people bugging me to do something but whenever the realization hits me - I didn't know what to call it then but I sure feel it all the time - it hits me so hard, I want to skin myself alive. Literally. I've kept all of my blades and scissors hidden somewhere inconvenient just so I won't get to them. I know, I know. If there's a will, there's a way. But I'm the laziest person I know so that tactic will work just fine.

Like today. I've been going about my usual routine when a text message triggered my deep-seated self-hate. I'm so irritable the whole day. Nothing, not even pasta - PASTA! - could make me feel better.

Now that my daughter is asleep and everything around me's dark and quiet, it's bubbling up to the surface. I needed to let it out. Since I have never been a musician or an artist or anywhere near "talented", I'm here, trying to unload maybe just a fraction of the heaviness on my chest. It's kinda working. I don't feel the urge to cry again but it's still quite heavy.

And can I just say that crying sucks? I mean, I may be coming off as weak or sad or something like that when I cry but I'm not. I'm angry. That's it. The tears should just stop and I should just turn into the Hulk or something. Seriously. That would be cool.

Anyway, I tried unloading some of these to people around me but somehow I came off as ungrateful. "May mga taong mas malalaki ang problema sayo kaya magpasalamat ka na ganyan lang problema mo." Sometimes, I come off as a drama queen. "Ano ba? Arte mo ah. Wala yan no." There was one time, I felt like I was just being a whiny crybaby. "Nako, kung pinagdaanan mo yung mga pinagdaanan ko, di mo kakayanin kasi konting hirap lang, give-up ka na." So, yeah. I stopped talking to people about it. Pabigat lang e.

I don't think anybody "close" to me understands how hard this is. What's worse is I don't think they'd want anything to do with it. They just want me to "quit being a baby" and get back to that perky little college girl who isn't at all complicated.

Yeah. Like I don't want that for myself.

Self-esteem lvl: 99999999999

Please allow me to humblebrag a bit because I am really insecure of my writing skills (yes, I do this for a living but really my faith on my work is at a negative percentage) but my client paid me 200% more than what we talked about and he just awarded me his new project.

Good God, You are real. Thank You!

#TeamReal

(on a different context tho)

(also the JaDine context but we all know that)

(maisingit lang ang JaDine #fangirl #alldayerrday)

Edit (1:30AM): Client just bumped me up to team leader. Thank You, dear Lord, for the abundance that is mine.

Damn it, Clark and Leah!

So I just finished rewatching On the Wings of Love again and can I just say that I've always wanted to do this on my wedding day since I was in gradeschool:

and now that you two got married before I did, people would think I copied this from you guys because I've got the OJD all the JaDine fans have and I can't have that...

This is the shallowest blog post I will ever publish.

Believe me, people, I will not disappoint.

Growing up, I was led to believe that I was pretty. Everyone - literally, everyone - liked me. Like-liked me. Neighbors, classmates, schoolmates, churchmates... I don't know what it was. Maybe I was just raised in a small enough community which didn't really produce movie stars but back then, when someone didn't like me, like me, I would shrug it off and say "meh, baka mahilig sa pangit."

Highschool was pretty much the same, with both boys and girls courting me even with the knowledge that I was with someone. Same with college. I had a blast going out on dates during those rare times I was single.

Now, nothing. I feel so harassed with everything. I am roughly 20 pounds overweight. I am so damn tired of everything all the freakin' time. I sometimes even get the feeling that my very own boyfriend don't find me pretty enough. Yes, the same guy who's been infatuated with me since second grade, that guy.

I don't know what it is. I should really work on this self-confidence thing if I want to Alice Dixon my way into old age... Right?! Alice Dixon?! My god, that woman's got it going on!

22

22 more How I Met Your Mother episodes and I'll start binge-watching On The Wings of Love. I need to see the entire series without the commercials and the weekends and the waiting. Yes. It's happening.

I can't die now.

I'm feeling a lot of stuff these past few weeks enough to unleash the paranoid girl inside me. All of these things I'm feeling lead up to a heart attack...at least that's what WebMD told me.

Anyway, I will be having myself checked one of these days because I seriously can't die anytime soon. My life is at a point where I ain't complainin' 'bout nothin' and everything seems to be going my way for the first time ever. I am at a point in my life where the voices in my head have been silenced by the magnificent God I've been fervently praying to. As the cliche goes, "I am not exactly in the place where I want to be in but I am definitely on my way" or something to that effect so please, Dear Lord, spare me from any illness. I promise to let go of the stinky habit of smoking, no matter how hard it is. Just don't take me yet.

So weird typing out those words when just a few months back, I've been contemplating strangling myself with a belt but yeah. I need to live. If not for me, for my daughter. Please Lord.

Feels.

On the Wings of Love is ending tonight. JaDine finally revealed that they've been #TeamReal for quite a while now. That Araneta wedding playing over and over again in my head.

The feels.

Just. Too. Much.

I've never fallen in love with a Filipino loveteam since Carlo Aquino and Angelica Panganiban and I'm feeling things all over again.

I'm coming out.

I'm a JaDine fan.

As in legit-fangirling-whenever-I-see-them-anywhere JaDine fan. Not really on the same level as those fans who follow them literally everywhere, but still a fan. Proud of what they're achieving now and totes not bitter-ing all over the place since James said "Nadine... I love you" in Araneta. Wow. Feels good to be a "matured" fangirl.