Monday, November 19, 2012

Weak.

I have been feeling so weak these past few weeks. Not physically, though. Physical weakness I can handle. Emotional weakness? Now that's a different story.

I've managed to stay strong for months now: Not complain when I am not given any attention, not feel dumb whenever I open my mouth, not feel small whenever I get rejected for asking to be intimate. Heck, I've even moved past the whole "Hey, we don't text/talk/see each other anymore!" dilemma but now, I feel particularly weak and no, there's no third party involved. I just feel depressed all of a sudden.

I know I'm Little Miss Positive Thinker to most people I talk to on a regular basis but there's something about these past few weeks that got me thinking about our my situation. I suddenly felt alone. Yes, I have my family and I have my friends but it takes a partnership between a man and a woman to make raising a child work. Plus, I am no dead person. I have my needs, too, as a woman.

To cover up this weakness, I've been going out with friends, drinking and partying and watching movies. But when everything's over, I cannot help but feel sad again. Sure, I've managed to smile and laugh the whole night and get all kilig over some parts of it but whenever I get home, I go back into the rut I started out in. Partida, the 'buzz' I get from drinking is still there but I can still feel the sadness.

I don't feel anything and that's a lot to say coming from a sensitive person like me. With that said, I want to ask again what I've asked over Twitter a while ago: How do you know something's not worth it anymore if pain and sadness is part of the process?

7 comments:

  1. This reminds me of that question Kizia asked seven years ago, not quite exactly this one, and also, it's about something else. Haha.

    I dunno if my answer's changed. How do you know if something's not worth it?

    The pain's part of it, yes, but if it overwhelms you on a daily basis, then let go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, that's the problem. There are times that I can tune out the pain and there are times when I can't. Minsan naiintindihan ko, minsan hindi. Am I making sense here? Parang cinocontradict ko lang sarili ko...

      Delete
    2. Normal lang naman yan eh. Minsan kaya mo, minsan hindi, pero malalaman mo naman kung dumating yung time na puro na lang hindi mo kaya, na hindi mo na matapatan ng law of attraction (not a diss), na kahit anong gawin mo eh parang nararamdaman mo nang wala ka nang magagawa... or something.

      Delete
    3. It's more of parang nagsasawa ka nalang sa nangyayari kaya di mo na pinapansin pala yung exact na nararamdaman ko.

      Now it sounds bad. :|

      Delete
    4. Yeah, that sounds bad. Apathy na yan, Ale.

      Delete