You better watch out.

I came face-to-face with one of the meanest people I will ever meet in my lifetime this weekend. I used to think that kontrabidas just lived inside the television until this witch came waltzing in, complete with a fan, a raised eyebrow and her perfectly combed hair. Imagine Susan Roces minus the positive aura.

If I were given the chance to be honest with her - and if I were a rude sonofabitch - there are 3 things I'd like to tell her: 1) Leave my daughter out of this. 2) Don't you ever talk down on me again. I respect the elderly but - and you could ask my boyfriend, your nephew, about this - I am not one to take that kind of talk and just be cool with it. I have a really bad temper and I am not afraid to let it loose especially when I am protecting myself and the people I care about the most. It doesn't matter that you're old and you're my boyfriend's aunt; you WILL hear from me if you do that again. And 3) Your money doesn't make you better than anyone. You might be rich financially but for me, you definitely are the poorest person to walk the Earth with that attitude.

After the encounter with the worst person I know, I felt gratitude. I felt thankful that my parents, despite their imperfections, NEVER made anyone feel that way. Yeah, my mom gossips a lot and tend to be a tad bit judgemental especially when it comes to people's physical appearance and my dad can be painfully critical of everyone around him but they have never made anyone feel that they're above them. They can be self-righteous from time to time but who isn't, right? Point is, they have a lot to brag about, too, but they never exuded that "high and mighty" air that woman seemed to have bathed in; most especially not to family. That wench keep stepping all over her family, you'd be surprised she's still alive.

You know what's even more surprising, though? She's never missed a Sunday mass in her life. Talk about ironic.

For the first time ever...

For the first time ever, I said what I wanted to say, right when I wanted to say it. It doesn't matter what you think of me now. What matters is what I think of myself.

For the first time ever, I didn't allow you to play the blame game. There's not one incident when I didn't blame myself for something that has gotten fucked up. I grew up thinking everything was my fault because that's how you made me feel but now, I KNOW I am not at fault. If we were to murder someone together, I would be the trigger but you would be the one pulling it. That decision was entirely yours; don't blame me for "pushing you to do it". Don't you have any sort of control at all?

For the first time ever, I have asked you to listen to what you're saying before you complain. You have a knack of bossing people around and then get all hurt when people tell you off. Listen to HOW you say things. Intention is NOTHING if your mechanism is faulty.

For the first time ever, I didn't stop saying something out of sheer guilt. You accuse me of raising my "sheltered" daughter without the nuances of bad vibes and negative jujus. Now, you'll see (and hear) a more unstoppable Ale. Let me worry about having to explain to her why I act all tough and mad all the freakin' time.

For the first time ever, I will be selfish. No guilts. No ifs. No buts.

Have a great day.

PAANO NAMAN AKO?

Ever since I was a little girl, ALL of my actions were done based on what everyone else around me would say. You can call me the perfect daughter/friend/girlfriend/student. I've never heard anyone close to me complain about me. They always got what they want from me when I barely got anything back. I was fine with seeing everyone else around me smiling even if I can feel that hole inside me growing steadily with every action that's actually against what I've wanted to do.

I am never selfish. Now, I've just learned how to say no. Some people confuse that to mean that I am just being a brat for wanting things to go my way...which I don't think is wrong, to be quite frank. I've been doing things for everyone else for as long as I can remember so I don't understand why it still can't be my turn now. Paano naman ako?

My mom keeps on telling me "Ang tigas-tigas mo na!" and I keep on telling her "Di ako matigas, tinigilan ko lang kayong isipin pag nagdedesisyon ako." To tell you the truth, I don't know if this right or wrong and I don't really care. Right now, all I can think of is this: Paano naman ako? Kung walang magiisip at magaalaga sa nararamdaman ko, I better do it on my own. Bahala na kung may matamaan. I'm just so tired of putting myself last just to make other people feel better.

This has been bothering me for quite some time now that I haven't had a decent sleep for a very, very long time. I wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep. I can't eat properly. I can't even just sit down and read a book to calm my head. It's been a long time since I had a hearty laugh and it has been so damn long since I thought of nothing. I get some peace and quiet when I sleepover friends' houses - which I am extremely grateful for - but when the thought of going back to "reality" looms over me, wala na ulit. Stressed na ulit.

I just want peace of mind. Peace of MY mind. That's it. Ako naman ngayon, please.

"Safe space" doesn't exist anymore!

Not even Twitter! It's so hard that I can't rant or rave about anything on Twitter anymore. I mean, I can't even post how proud I am of my weight loss without sounding like I am trying to fish compliments from those who can read my tweet.

Anyway, I really am proud of how I look now. I've been working really hard and I've sacrificed a lot of free chips, free cakes, and free steaks for me to reach my goal and I'm finally here! I tried on a few clothes I've been holding on to since I got pregnant in 2010 and they look better on me now than they did before! Now I just have to firm up (eh?) the pregnancy flabs and I'm good to go.

I'd post photos if I weren't too self-conscious of how Haggardo Versoza my face looks like. Also, my room is too messy to show the world.

I need new clothes! Universe, if you're reading this, I terribly need to get that opportunity...of course, not only because I need new clothes but also because... I just need it and you probably know what it's about 'cause I keep on talking to you and God about it.

Age-old question that seems to have no answer.

Disclaimer: This post is all over the place. You have been warned.

I know I've asked this billions of times over 300 million channels in the past but I still don't have an answer that satisfies me: Am I being selfish for SOMETIMES following what my gut tells me to do?

I seem to have finally found the courage to stand up to my bullies and assert myself but everyone else - at least, those I see on a normal basis - thinks that I am being selfish; thinking of just myself all the freakin' time. Normally, I would agree with them - because I have really low self-esteem - but thing is I don't feel like I'm being selfish now.

I know when I am just being a brat and like a normal human being, I'd deny it to anyone willing to listen but deep deep down, I know I'm just acting out. Now, though, even with all the drama, I know that I'm not doing all of these just for the hell of it. There are much, much deeper explanations that I have for thinking and talking the way that I do now. Problem is I am finally sick and tired of having to explain myself every damn time just to prove that what I'm doing is right, or at the very least, for the betterment of the situation. I mean, I've said and done it at least 5x in the past but I always, always end up being misinterpreted. That, or what I say is being deliberately taken out of context so they can blame me for screwing everything up.

So I did what they all wanted me to do: I shut up. No more opinions. No more anecdotes. No more "knowing it all". No more anything from me. I just clammed up. I still hear how immature I am being, how bratty I am, and how I screwed this family up by living in my own little world but at least I don't add up to the "mistakes" they think I make on a daily basis.

Now, I know they are blaming everything on the boyfriend. I mean, that's just how their minds work. They don't believe that I can come up with a decision all by myself. They don't believe I can actually think for myself (which is quite insulting if you think about it but I've been living with this for 26 years that it doesn't even bother me anymore). While I make all the decisions for both Brianna and I, Alfred has a played a part in all this by supporting me. Never in my 11 years of dating have I found someone so supportive that for the first time in my life, I am actually betting on myself. I've had these thoughts for the looooongest time but only now did I get the courage to actually pursue them one by one. I can never stress this enough: Support goes a long damn way. So technically, yes, he should get part of the blame because he believes in me and my ability to make things happen.

(I am drifting away from the original intention of this post. Selfishness. Yeah.)

After all that has been said and done, I believe that I am not selfish for doing the things that I do. I am not stepping on anyone's toes and I am not intentionally hurting those people who get affected. I do the things that I do because I need to do them...for myself and for my daughter. I am, first and foremost, a mom now and if people can't understand that, well, it's, quite frankly, not my problem anymore.

I don't care if you call me "mababaw"; I have my reasons.

(I don't even know how to write this. That's how shitty I'm feeling right now.)

I guess there are people who don't get attached to material things as much as I do. Don't get me wrong; I'm not materialistic. I just attach emotions and sentiments and all those touchy-feely stuff to things. That's the reason why I have kept a whole lot of junk from the past. Mind you, most of these things weren't given to me. These are things I bought/picked up from the garbage (gross, I know)/made that remind me of certain emotions/situations. I'm sentimental like that.

(Teka, teka, teka: Is that what materialistic means? Keeping trash you don't actually need? I'm kind of confused and quite frankly, I forgot what it actually means. Tanga ba? Bite me.)

It just bums me out that the one person who I thought held on to sentiments the way I did, apparently, doesn't see it that way. I know I shouldn't expect things from others but I just can't help it especially if he's the kind of guy who seems like he just walked right out of a rom-com movie. You know, surprise-favorite-breakfast-meals, movie-marathon-while-cuddling-on-a-couch, holding-hands-while-driving kind of guy. At some point, you're going to have to expect things. Like holding on to things that's remotely close to the two of us.

Anyway, whatever. It's nothing major. It's just a stupid watch. Right now, I'm ready to bawl my eyes out if he disposes it off (meaning he'll give it to his sister) but I'm pretty sure tomorrow I'll be over it. It isn't mine anyway. I just have the same watch which I honestly thought we bought as kind of a couples watch of sorts but whatever. I don't care anymore.

PS. It sucks that after all that I've been through, I still expect things from people.

PPS. Yes, all of this for a stupid watch.

PPPS. I don't think you'll ever understand why I'm making a big deal out of this but whatever.

What is it with me and guys texting at wee hours in the morning?

I currently have 3 guys who regularly send me "Heyyy you up?" (seriously, yan talaga yung nakalagay) messages at 2, 3, 4 o'clock in the morning and just this morning, another "friend" from college decided to drop me a Facebook message, asking how I'm doing. There's nothing wrong with that except PLEASE STOP MESSAGING ME AT 4 IN THE FREAKIN' MORNING! We all know that that time of the day - IT'S STILL NIGHTTIME REALLY - is the booty call hour. It doesn't even matter what your opening message is; we both just know that it's all about getting frisky.

What's worse is I made it pretty clear that I am in a serious relationship with someone at the moment. Do I look like someone who will cheat on my boyfriend for a night in the sack with a sad guy who can't find - and stick with - another girl to do dirty things with?

Am I giving off a vibe that only jerks could pick-up? Yeah, I talk like a sailor most of the time but that doesn't give guys the permission to go all Barney Stinson on me. I'm not that kind of girl.

I stand corrected...

When I was in college, I thought I lived with narrow-minded people. Turns out, I actually live with closed-minded people.

What not to post on Instagram

1. Selfies with your cleavage showing
2. Collaged selfies
3. Famous beauty quotes as captions to selfies
4. 10 separate photos of the same shot
5. 4092384918320921 photos from one event all posted within an hour (pahabol photos the day after: optional). COLLAGE THEM AND GET IT OVER WITH WILL YA #Hugot101
6. Morbid photos of your wounds/injuries/operation
7. #captions #that #look #like #this #nakakairitakaya #tagsforlikesulul #amiright #naturalbeautyyourface
8. Photos that obviously beg for compliments
9. Pahaging in photo form… You have Twitter para magparinig.
10. Photos of food that don't look appetizing 'cause why?

What not to post on Facebook

1. Selfies with your cleavage showing
2. Collaged selfies
3. 10 photos of the same shot
4. Arguments with your partner
5. Arguments with your parents
6. Basically, anything that has to do with arguing with someone else.
7. Photos of stuff you are selling if your purpose is to tag people to it
8. "If you love Jesus, like this photo" posts
9. Morbid photos of your wounds/injuries/operations
10. Posts that beg for (fake) sympathies from others

Brain Dump.

I am a hopeless romantic and last night, I realized that there's a reason behind it: I've always wanted to become a wife. Even when I was younger, I went on dates with the thought that I might be spending my life with the person I am meeting for the very first time. It's always been that way.

I started dating in 2002, when a friend tagged me along a date with her boyfriend so the boyfriend's buddy would have someone to talk to. We ended up going on 3 dates but, even if he's so obnoxious (that time), that I wanted to smack his head to his coffee, I still fantasized about how we'd spend lazy Sunday afternoons together.

The only exception for this I-think-I-wanna-marry-you mentality was probably when I dated my block mate but even then, we ended up dating for a full year.

Going out of topic but bottom-line is that I've always wanted to be a wife. I think believe I function better emotionally? psychologically? mentally? when I'm part of a "we" instead of just being on my own…which I've learned to accept. I'm not cut out to be Miss Independent. I get it.

*******

Reason for that's most probably because I love doing the support thing most…which might be rebutted by at least 2 people who have called me contradicting.

*******

I apparently have lost the ability to express my love, care, and concern. For the record, I blame the babydaddy. For now, I have to push myself to be that annoying girlfriend I once was again.

*******

I am possessive beyond belief and I get crazy-jealous. As in CUHRAYZEE-jealous. I forgot how severe these…diseases are and they're taking too much work on my boyfriend's end. Yes, this early.

*******

Despite all this, though, I am quite lucky to have a guy who's patience, understanding, and love know no boundaries. I know he's got limits (contradicting nanaman. That's the reason why I was dubbed "walking contradiction" by a college friend) and I'm not stupid enough to push them and that is why I will try to become a better partner for him.

*******

Blah blah blah, those words don't mean anything, I know, but I'm having a hard time showing how I'm feeling. Thanks to 7 years of practice with College Guy.

*******

(Hahahahahahaha! Sinisi lahat sa lalaki.)

*******

Relationship also suffering from missing each other so much. What is clingy?

******

I want to move out. Seriously. Ironically, the want peaked at the height of the storm yesterday. I want to know how I'll react to something like that whilst caring for a hyperactive kid. (Whilst talaga?)

*******

For some reason, my mind goes back to that one day in September last year. I wonder why.

*******

I definitely need to stop smoking. I have every reason to but I don't believe I have the discipline to actually do it but I will do it…after this last cigarette pack I have with me now.

*******

I'm thinking of getting an actual office job but all the jobs I want requires me to relocate to the South. Great for me but I guess I have to wait for Brianna to finish this academic year before I move although I really, really, really want it to happen now.

*******

I should update my iPod playlist now but it's too tedious a task, I'm getting lazy just by thinking about it.

*******

First of all, there's no sea anywhere near Cainta. Second, I don't want to live there. Yun lang naman apila ko dito. Hahahahaha!

You see, I'm running out of things to do online so I've been taking all kinds of tests posted on my Facebook timeline…even those with jeje graphics.

*******

I want to do and be a lot of things lately and my save-up-for-the-future deadline is coming in full speed which explains the anxiety I've been having these past few days.

Too relevant.

This quote is too relevant today, it deserves to be posted everywhere!

“Whatever you give a woman, she will only make greater. Give her your sperm, she’ll give you a baby. Give her a house, she’ll give you a home. Give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. Give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!” 

- Erick S. Gray

Also, the official hashtag of the day is #asakaboi.

When will my life begin?

I've been so hooked to this animated film for the past few months, first because Brianna's been watching a lot of it and second, I can totes relate to Rapunzel. I wanna see the light, too! (Not that light, okay? I don't want to die yet. Hahaha!)

It makes me extremely sad that the place that should be my safe space isn't my safe space.

I don't understand.

A lot of times I've been told that I should give way because "ikaw yung nakakaintindi" but most of the time, I really don't understand...especially those times when I KNOW I haven't bothered anyone with what I'm doing yet I get bull for something.

There's this one specific person who I literally haven't done anything bad to who always, always gives me crap (figuratively, of course). I've never done anything to hurt her in any way. I've protected her when someone talks crap about her. I lend her money whenever she needs it, even when I need the money myself. I am anything but rude towards her family even if there are a lot of times I know they're out of the line. I've always been proud to have known her for a long, long time.

For me, she (used to be) is family although she's not. I guess she might've been feeling that way, too, cause she thinks it's okay for her to show her annoyance whichever way she chooses. While it is healthy to express yourself, it's rude to throw stuff around and bang doors (that are not yours!!!)...even moreso if you're in the company of people other than your immediate family. Nakakahiya. Parang walang breeding.

Note to self.

Yes, this might be different from what you've experienced before but please, please, please keep in mind that at the end of the day, it all boils down to everyone still breathing the same air and everyone still standing under the same blue sky. You shouldn't be expecting something radical and you shouldn't be getting all disappointed over these kinds of things.

(This is just me PMS-ing because this stemmed from a very, very small thing which shouldn't even be getting this much attention from me and to be quite honest, I should be the one who's receiving all the disappointment because I am one forgetful son of a gun but yeah, it made me all emotional and stuff.)

(Also, I still don't have a #100HappyDays entry for today which is just great because that means there's still nothing to pick me up from the rut I put myself in.)

(And can I just say that I now need a drink cause I made myself too upset, I might cry soon.)

(Damn it, PMS!!!)

Buddy system.

Disclaimer: My whiny, annoying, clingy alter ego is taking over this blog post.

You have been warned.

The buddy system has been introduced to me way back in preschool, when we were required to walk side-by-side someone while we paraded on school grounds in our costumes.

When I got into grade school, the concept was still there, mainly for field trips so we won't get lost and it'd be easier for the teacher to count the class inside the bus.

High school came and the buddy system is all about finding someone to cut classes with you, someone to share her soggy fries with you and someone to sit with you on the ramp while you both waited for your sundo at around 8 in the evening.

The college buddy system is somewhat the same as the high school buddy system except in college, you smoke your lungs out in Agno, drink unlimited shakers of that red alcoholic drink in Green Place, follow the "love of your life" all over campus (and the vicinity surrounding it) and wait in line for tickets for the La Salle - Ateneo games in the Yuchengco lobby at 7 in the freakin' morning even if it means you both don't make it to your 8 and 9am classes. (AHHH SERIOUSLY THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE!)

Then came work. You find someone you can share your (rebellious) thoughts regarding your company with, someone you can trust to cover for you when you are late/absent/going undertime and someone you can bully into smoking downstairs and come back 2 hours after.

And then I decided to work from home... I still need someone to accompany me everywhere but there's no one here but my daughter and our kasambahay most of the time and obviously, they can't go to, say, Frankie's for a bottle - or two - of beer at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Which really sucks, especially when my period is coming up because my emotions are just all over the place and I just want my brain to shut down.

Here's why I am making a big deal out of this: I have 2 tickets for the special screening of Runner Runner in Shang tomorrow night (Again, thanks, Nuffnang Philippines and Globe!), a beer festival in Eastwood on Friday where Rico Blanco, Ely Buendia and a whole lot of musicians are gonna play and no one to enjoy them with. I know these are small things that I shouldn't be worrying about but I have my period and I'm usually overly dramatic when it's my time of the month.

Anyway, I know what the solution to this problem is: Friends. Simple, I know, but you have to understand that I don't really have that one friend who I can bring wherever I want to go, whenever I want to. That sounds selfish, I know, but that's what I want. A buddy who I can call up at weird hours and do weird (non-sexual) stuff with as long as my requests are reasonable (yeah, I'm not that selfish). I'll do the same for him/her, too, of course...

Good god, who'd want to spend time with me, right? Ugh.

Just like that...

One full week hasn't even passed since the best day of 2013 - of my life, to be perfectly honest - when one of my greatest heartbreaks, ever, happened. I don't think I lacked the enthusiasm or the amount of positive vibes required by the universe for me to consistently receive all the lovin' but all of a sudden, I got dropped from the highest point of the "ride" and it feels like I'm plummeting to a tank full of piranhas that are my emotions.

But even if I've been let down, I still believe in the power of the Universe. After all, I'm in this position because of it. The best day of 2013 happened with the help of it. With that said, I am putting all these bad vibes to rest and will focus on attracting better things for myself again. Tomorrow, I will be better.

It won't hurt, though, for this weekend to top last week. I don't know how the hell it's going to happen because I've dubbed last weekend as such but I know it is possible. I have some ideas but they seem far-fetched now.

Reasons why I am so freakin' pissed off tonight.

Disclaimer: This is a very self-centered, narcissistic, unbelievably shallow post that I just need to let out because I am brimming with negative energy right now and that can't be because long weekend.

• I am currently home despite the many attempts to cook something up with friends tonight. Three groups of friends. Nada.
• I don't have anyone else to talk to right this very minute - not that I have something interesting to say - because most of my friends are either asleep or are out with other friends that aren't me.
• The people who are available tonight are asking me to travel all the way to Paranaque for a couple of drinks which, while possible, isn't really convenient plus how the hell am I gonna go home from there?Yes, we do have two houses there but Brianna isn't in any of those houses so no. And yes, it takes conditioning for me to leave Brianna at home for one whole day so spontaneous sleepovers/all-nighters are not options.
• I cannot smoke 'cause my mom's here and I won't hear the end of it.
• I cannot drink because today has got to be the one day when there's no beer in the fridge and the stores close early.
• I've been in the house for twelve straight days due to Brianna's fever/cough/colds episode and the habagat, Maring and I'm really bored okay!!!
• I work from home so weekdays are spent, still, at home, seeing the faces I see every damn day. Don't get me wrong; I am thankful everyone's here and safe and healthy and all but come freakin' on, I need to see other people, too, to keep my sanity intact!
• I'm so burnt out from all the mommy duties I've been fulfilling these past few days, I'm starting to snap on my daughter, which is really, really bad.
• I just want to drink with friends tonight and relax for a bit, damn it, and I freakin' can't!

(I usually go bananas when I don't get my regular dose of alcohol. I might be going back to that dark place again so why don't you be a pal and send me some beer over here. What do you say?)

My overly-emotional mind needs answers!

• Can he be more inconsistent?
• Why are you doing all of these now that there's nothing to do them for anymore?
• Do I still know how to kiss?
• Why doesn't he like me - like me?
• Do I still know how to...well...you know...?
• Why am I thinking of giving him, well, that thing guys like that girls hate doing?
• Can you just stop bugging me?
• Do I really need more friends?
• How should I tell my folks about the break-up?
• Why can't he just let it go? Him, too?
• Will he ever move on from her?
• Is there a chance in the high heavens for him and me to happen?
• Am I really just setting myself up for disappointment?
• Am I really not ready for anything or am I just preventing for a major heartbreak to happen?