Age-old question that seems to have no answer.

Disclaimer: This post is all over the place. You have been warned.

I know I've asked this billions of times over 300 million channels in the past but I still don't have an answer that satisfies me: Am I being selfish for SOMETIMES following what my gut tells me to do?

I seem to have finally found the courage to stand up to my bullies and assert myself but everyone else - at least, those I see on a normal basis - thinks that I am being selfish; thinking of just myself all the freakin' time. Normally, I would agree with them - because I have really low self-esteem - but thing is I don't feel like I'm being selfish now.

I know when I am just being a brat and like a normal human being, I'd deny it to anyone willing to listen but deep deep down, I know I'm just acting out. Now, though, even with all the drama, I know that I'm not doing all of these just for the hell of it. There are much, much deeper explanations that I have for thinking and talking the way that I do now. Problem is I am finally sick and tired of having to explain myself every damn time just to prove that what I'm doing is right, or at the very least, for the betterment of the situation. I mean, I've said and done it at least 5x in the past but I always, always end up being misinterpreted. That, or what I say is being deliberately taken out of context so they can blame me for screwing everything up.

So I did what they all wanted me to do: I shut up. No more opinions. No more anecdotes. No more "knowing it all". No more anything from me. I just clammed up. I still hear how immature I am being, how bratty I am, and how I screwed this family up by living in my own little world but at least I don't add up to the "mistakes" they think I make on a daily basis.

Now, I know they are blaming everything on the boyfriend. I mean, that's just how their minds work. They don't believe that I can come up with a decision all by myself. They don't believe I can actually think for myself (which is quite insulting if you think about it but I've been living with this for 26 years that it doesn't even bother me anymore). While I make all the decisions for both Brianna and I, Alfred has a played a part in all this by supporting me. Never in my 11 years of dating have I found someone so supportive that for the first time in my life, I am actually betting on myself. I've had these thoughts for the looooongest time but only now did I get the courage to actually pursue them one by one. I can never stress this enough: Support goes a long damn way. So technically, yes, he should get part of the blame because he believes in me and my ability to make things happen.

(I am drifting away from the original intention of this post. Selfishness. Yeah.)

After all that has been said and done, I believe that I am not selfish for doing the things that I do. I am not stepping on anyone's toes and I am not intentionally hurting those people who get affected. I do the things that I do because I need to do them...for myself and for my daughter. I am, first and foremost, a mom now and if people can't understand that, well, it's, quite frankly, not my problem anymore.

Day 18. #100HappyDaysV2.0

We were bored okayyy. Haha!

Day 11. #100HappyDaysV2.0

I had to shut my mouth for this girl right here despite the mean things that have been said about me. I'm enduring every blow thrown my way to give her the best life I can offer her.

It's been a long, long while.

A lot has been happening these past few weeks/months but I haven't bombarded this place with the nonsense in my head. I don't know why, actually. Probably because I'm having way too much fun with everything, despite the fact that some of the things that's happened actually tore me into pieces. I don't know, maybe I've finally learned to see the good in it even though it hurts.

So what has happened these past few weeks/months? Let's see…

• I've FINALLY been to Boracay.
• And I actually went snorkeling!
• And banana boat-ing!
• Although I didn't get a tan.
• But the Boracay sunset…ohmygod, it really is as pretty as everyone says it is.
• I went hotel-hopping. Mind you, these are not cheap ass hotels you find along Malate or something.
• I've managed to "dump" all the people that I don't want and need in my life, including the people related to them.
• I had a major falling out with my dad.
• But we're okay now. I think.
• I got a full-time online job.
• Brianna started and ended her summer class with flying colors.
• My friends now know how crazy I get when I'm in a relationship.
• I'm in a relationship.
• But not without a falling out that almost led to a "break-up" even if we weren't really together yet that time.
• Brianna celebrated her 3rd baptismal anniversary.
• My laptop died on me in the middle of a hectic week at work.
• Which led me to get a Mac. Which seems to be eating me up alive with every simple command that I can't figure out without the help of my brother or the Internet.
• I've started reading books again.
• I'm actually planning to buy a car.
• And to get life insurance. As in legit planning, with quotations and loans and stuff.
• I've achieved my weight goal and I'm actually maintaining it.
• I've enrolled Brianna for this coming school year.
• I hung out in a Starbucks branch all by myself after a really, really, REALLY long time. I think the last time I did that was in college. It was so refreshing, I want to do it regularly.
• I got a new pair of glasses that makes me look like a hipster, according to a friend.
• I failed to finish the #100HappyDays project which bummed me out…but not quite.
• A lot of items on my wish list/bucket list have been ticked off, thanks to my wonderful new boyfriend who just keeps on granting everything on my lists. I'm not going to elaborate on what the items are/were but he's been doing that since we first saw each other again last September and I can't stop thanking him for it. I mean, it takes a lot of effort (and money) to get some of the things done (of course, a lot of them are easy and free) but I never heard him complain.
• I might have found the perfect dress for my friend's wedding this November.
• Brianna told me that I'm "very awesome", which is probably the best entry here.
• Which I tweeted. I don't tweet as much, too, so there goes constantly documenting my life online.
• Also stopped reading my Twitter timeline/browsing through my Instagram feed 509375894072101948578461807492 times a day. It's oddly refreshing.

I guess that's everything. I don't know how to get everything out and I am not doing one post for each item so I made a list. It's not chronologically arranged or something. I just wanted to take note of how exhausting but at the same time, exhilarating the past few weeks/months have been for me. The short-term memory loss that general anesthesia has given me will probably wipe my memory clean by the end of the first half of the year, might as well document what I remember now.

I am quite thankful for how everything is turning out. Despite the many, many, many disappointments, I feel that everything is falling into place. How can I not be grateful, right?

An Afternoon Affair with ASCOF Lagundi

Mommies want only the best for their kids -- This is especially true when it comes to the health and well-being of the children. We want whatever it is we put in our kids tummies is good for them. Okay, maybe there's the occasional McDonald's french fries or one too many cupcakes one Sunday afternoon but for the most part, we would want them to consume healthy food.

When it comes to caring for sick babies, though, mothers go all berserk. I know I go crazy even when all Brianna has is the common cough. When faced with this, I usually just give her more water and fruits. I don't rely on medicines myself especially for coughs and colds and I wouldn't want her to rely on them as well. I just want everything out of the system without the help of medicines. It's a better alternative.



Attending the ASCOF Naturalista Moms Garden Affair with Brianna in the Earth Kitchen last March 28 proved all that. The invitation to this event couldn't be anymore timely, too. Brianna has the coughs and I was getting worried 'cause it was getting worse.

Apparently, there are 4 signs of cough: 1) Mabigat na dibdib, 2) Makating lalamunan, 3) Konting pagubo and 4) Nanunuyong lalamunan. And upon the first sign of cough, you can already take ASCOF Lagundi, unlike other antibiotics wherein you have to wait for a certain amount of time - or symptom - before you take it. You can also never go wrong with the prescription for ASCOF Lagundi -- You won't OD on it. Riiiiiiight?! A cough medicine that won't get you all woozy and end up in a hospital when you take more than the prescribed dosage.

Anyway, I personally enjoyed the dance move that was taught in the event. Brianna enjoyed that one too but too bad my video footage isn't good enough to upload. The dance move they taught was about how ASCOF Lagundi will soothe you and get rid of your cough (Tunaw-Luwag-Ginhawa). It was really easy and the kids enjoyed dancing to it.

#NaturalistaMom, Carmina Villaroel-Legaspi graced the event with her twins and entertained questions from the bloggers and people from the media. I love how frank she was and how she's praning, too, when it comes to her kids. Another thing that I love about their small little family is how they are expressive and how as a mom, she doesn't actually intervene with her children's affairs (Hugot101. Hahaha!) but calls them up to check up on them every once in a while. I've always wanted that kind of family so I am doing just that with Brianna (and my favorite person). Well, of course there's how she wanted to feed her family everything healthy that I someday hope to achieve.

They've also shown us the latest ASCOF Lagundi TVC featuring Carmina and the kids:



These kids... Even at their age now, they're still so adorable and they look that way in person too.

Anyway, I think that The Earth Kitchen in Katipunan, Quezon City is the best place to hold the event. ASCOF Lagundi is an organic supplement and the food from The Earth Kitchen were all healthy and suprisingly tasty for someone like me who prefers her food salty. Yes, the herbal medicine is surprisingly tasty, too. I tasted it before I gave Brianna some. Teehee. The interior design of the place is so pretty. It has this home-y feel to it that I kinda wanted to just put my feet up and plug my iPod to my ears.

Of course, this experience wouldn't be complete without the friendly Nuffies and Nuffnang bloggers we met:

Anyway, Brianna is feeling a lot better as of this posting, thanks to ASCOF Lagundi. It only took - what? - two days of taking the ponkan-flavored syrup - which is really yummy, mind you - and now her week-long cough's all gone. I'm not just saying this, y'all. It's the truth.

Kaya mommies, sa simula ng cough, ASCOF! Natural.

 

** This is a sponsored post. **

Something huge.

For the past few days, I've been thinking of this huge thing a lot. It's something that I've been wanting to do since I graduated from high school. It might not be that big for some people but I've wanted this for the longest time and I know it is worth the risk; I just don't know if I actually am ready for it. Okay, I am mostly ready for it except for this one aspect of my life that's been rather elusive: The financial aspect. Everything else, I don't have a problem with.

Actually, and I've been telling this to a lot of people, the financial aspect is easy. What's hard - at least for me - is actually telling the important people in my life about it. I know it is ultimately my decision so whether or not they're on board, they can't do anything about it but there's a part of me who wants everything to be alright when I let them know. Yung wala bang samaan ng loob.

Look, for some people, this might not be that big a deal but if you know how everyone around me thinks of my capabilities, you'd understand. That's the same reason why I'm struggling with a lot of things, especially when it comes to what I know is best for both me and my daughter.

I'm not expecting for them to support it, knowing how they think so lowly of me that I'm still a child. I just want them to respect the decision. MY decision.

(No, not necessarily doing it right after posting this but I want to do it hopefully this year.)

(No, I'm not getting married...yet! :p)

Ooh, and PS. I think the Universe agrees with me...and actually want me to get down to it ASAP.

From the PSI Newsletter, posted on my Instagram account

From the Marc and Angel Hack Life website, posted on my Twitter account

Doubt.

I know I've been pretty confident with my decision to live the single life after a very long time and with a toddler in tow but there are times - like now - when I doubt myself. It's not because I am regretting the last relationship I was in because, really, that relationship was one huge trainwreck I was so lucky to survive. No, the doubt stems from the idea of Brianna growing up with just me. There's nothing really wrong with that if you think about it but growing up with a complete set of parents, I feel I'm depriving her of...something. Like, I can try everything to be a "complete set" but at the end of the day, I won't be able to give her everything that she needs.

BUT - and a big but, at that! - I'd rather try to get her to understand why I needed to make that decision than have her experience it. Yes, her dad might be exerting some kind of effort now but I definitely am not falling for it the way everyone at our house seems to be falling for it. I've been there: the gifts, the sweet words, the "attention"... and then nothing at all. Add that to all the hurtful words and accusations that made me feel like I was a worthless piece of dog poo... No freakin' way, man. You're gonna have to kill me first before you can get my daughter to experience that kind of pain; and from a person who's supposed to be taking care of her, no less. No, thanks.







Now, that's really therapeutic (for a lack of a better term). I don't doubt myself anymore. Cool.

Under pressure.

This year, I started thinking of buying my own condo unit. It's kinda crazy for someone whose income is the same as mine... It gets crazier, though: I told myself to get one in 5 year's time. Well, maybe to some it's not that hard because they have good-paying jobs or their parents can actually get them one but I am not that blessed financially.

Anyway, I am now thinking of moving my deadline because I was suddenly struck by the realization that Brianna is turning 3 next year, meaning she has to go to school soon after that. Great, private education has always been - and forever will be - important to me despite what other people (a.k.a. the babydaddy) say so it will be my top priority for the next 20 years (K-12 will last 15 years, right?) meaning if I don't find any place else to get additional - hopefully, passive - income in the next few years, I might as well bid my 2-BR condo unit goodbye. If I marry a multi-millionaire who won't mind living in a condo unit in the South, then that will be an entirely different story.

Right now, though, I am trying to be Miss Independent which is pretty hard for someone with a skill set like mine. I write, sure, but it's not good enough to be published in any well-respected magazine and/or website. I don't have any passion in crafts-making, cooking or baking which can be a great source of income especially during the holidays and working for a corporation isn't really part of the plan. The business thing really is the most interesting one for me but first, I have to save up for capital which brings me back to my initial problem.

Hope I hit the Lotto jackpot so we can all forget my ramblings here.

Short-Term Goals.

I know I said I won't set any goals for this year; that I will just grab any opportunity that will present itself to me but a part of me just can't let the goal-setting thing go, even for just a year. I mean, 3 months into the year and I'm already setting a "short-term" goal for myself to accomplish.

Anyway, I put quotation marks on short-term in the paragraph above because I have a rather unconventional short-term goal. Most people consider getting a car a short-term goal but my idea of a short-term goal is actually buying my very own condominium unit. Preferably a one-bedroom unit somewhere along/near EDSA but a studio apartment works, too.

I don't see myself renting a space unless it's rent-to-own and that is one of the things the babydaddy and I argue about during those rare moments we actually talk. Rent money goes nowhere. At least if I pay for, say, Php10k per month for a one-bedroom unit for a couple number of years, I know that in the end, the place is actually mine.

It's going to take a whole lot of discipline, hardwork and resourcefulness for me to accomplish this goal in 5 years' time but I am currently looking for other sources of income because this writer thing is just enough to cover my and Brianna's basic needs.

The downside of breastfeeding...

Ever since I gave birth, I became an advocate of breastfeeding and why shouldn't I? I've saved close to a hundred thousand pesos in the last two years I am doing it, it's healthy no matter what I do, Brianna has one of the toughest immune systems among all the babies I know and it keeps me (looking) fit for a mom who doesn't work out and diet plus I don't have to lug around an additional bag/cooler whenever Brianna and I go out for the bottles, water and formula. It's one of the most practical - and if you ask me, the most loving - decision a mom will ever make.

I've just recently doubted if I can actually stand by my decision. I looked like this while "trekking" the streets of Jestra in Tagaytay:

Photo taken by Jill Cruz

My friends and I slept over in Tagaytay for a much-needed bonding (for all of us) and a long-awaited break from mommy duties (for me) last weekend. I knew I won't get to breastfeed Brianna but I thought "Meh, isang araw lang naman". I regretted those words when I woke up at 7:30 the next morning. I thought I was just hungover from the night before so I forced myself to throw up to get rid of the alcohol and the tired feeling I had but as the day progressed, it got worse. I got to the point of crying hence the photo.

I've never been away from Brianna for that long in two years so it was the first time I felt it. My breasts were full of milk and my lower back was aching and I felt really, really, really tired. Not even the good tired, like the one I get when I run. I don't know how to explain it but I was really tired. I felt a little better after I slept in the bus on our way home but I was completely eased off the pain when I fed Brianna when I got home.

Okay, so it was my fault I didn't bring a breast pump to the trip but it's over and done now. Lesson learned: Next time I'm going away for that long, I'll make sure to bring a breast pump (Note to self: Buy new breast pumps).

Moms, too, are legends (like Raybans)!

While browsing through my favorite bloggers' sites, I came upon this post by Lissa Kahayon that got me thinking - after PSI, that is - about how I will be able to become a legend if I ever actually become a legend.

Right this very moment of my life, I still don't know what I'll contribute to the world that will make a mark in everyone's heart. I don't even know if I can do that within my lifetime but there's one thing I am sure of: I will be legen - wait for it! - dary (I just had to! For the love of HIMYM...) for this person:

Almost everything that I've been doing since this cutie patootie came to my life, I do for myself, of course, but I do them for her, too. I believe that I am giving her the best of everything that's within my capacity and capabilities. It's not much that I need to do them, it's more of I cannot imagine not doing them. Does that make sense?

Being a single mom can be quite challenging, especially here in the Philippines. I know that we've gone a long, long way from, say, 10 years ago when it comes to our acceptance with regards to these kinds of things but we can't help some other people's opinions that seem to have been dated 50 years ago. To be perfectly honest, though, even with all the eyes watching my every move, judging my decisions, I don't feel the need to prove anything to anybody. As long as I am not doing anything wrong and I am not imposing my beliefs to anybody, I'm good.

I know for a fact that I have a long, long way to go and a lot of lessons to learn about motherhood and I am not complaining one bit. I'm ready to take on that journey to legendary-ness (I love inventing words, okay?) for my mini me. I'm armed with the old school Rayban aviators over my eyes - that are focused on the bright prize that is being a legendary mom - and a couple packs of baby wipes to clean up the mess that I will inevitably make on my way there. Yes, I definitely am ready.

That guilty feeling...

I always, always get this guilty feeling whenever I see Facebook photos/conversations of Bry's friends' wives. Looks like they go on weekly dates with each other, probably to catch up and exchange mommy tips.  They seem to be having loads of fun except I don't seem to want to be a part of it. Not that I don't want to share to anyone how my relationship with Brianna is because I will totally bore the wits out of those who will be willing to listen... I just don't see myself actually bonding with them and that makes me guilty... Well, to be perfectly honest, I just feel the guilt when I see Facebook/Instagram photos or when I see them all together.

Is that weird? I mean, I am practically his wife but I don't seem to want to hangout with that particular set of friends of his. Not that I have anything against them; we are actually 'friendly'...they just are friendlier with one another.

(If I was [still] a clingy girlfriend, I would've tried so hard to "belong", though...)

What's inside my bag?

When my mommy blog was still active, I keep on planning on posting a what's-inside-my-bag blog post because I thought that it was a necessity when it comes to mommy blogs but I also keep on setting it aside until I closed down the blog and didn't get to do it altogether. (I broke a lot of writing rules with that one.)

Now that I don't have to actually spend all my time seeing if Brianna will fall off the bed, I actually am doing it. Here's what's inside of my fulltime-mom-no yaya bag:

Zalora window shopping for my baby girl

Note: I know that I have a mommy blog but I don't get to update it anymore (I am moving the rest of the posts here soon...hopefully) and that is the reason why I am posting this here.

Anyway, I have always been on the look out for the prettiest baby/children stuff I can find and yes, that means even when I am online window shopping, I am still thinking of my baby girl how ever tempting it is to just buy stuff for me.

Since Zalora has such a wide range of brands, I am able to find pretty stuff that would help me become a better mom for my darling daughter.

A conversation between two mothers...

- Start of conversation -

N: Nako, pag naghabol yan, mas mahihirapan ka na umalis. 

A: Kaya nga ayoko magtrabaho e. 

N: Pag di ka naman nagtrabaho, san pagaaralin anak mo, mabibigay mo ba magandang buhay...blah blah blah

- End of conversation -

FYI, that's my mom and me talking. I understand where she's coming from, yes. I worry about that everyday; she just doesn't know and doesn't HAVE TO know that because that's why I have Bry for. I wanted to ask her, though, if she/they would FULLY understand and respect my decision not to go to work anymore should I want it to be that way.

Suporta ba at pagmamahal ang maririnig ko o pagkukutya at panunumbat? I'm afraid to ask because I don't want to hear the answer. Parang alam ko na kasi e.

Stay-at-home mom vs. Working mom

I've been sending out applications like crazy since last month but I've also been declining most invitations for interviews like they're indecent proposals from dirty, old men. My mind is still not made up if I want to work fulltime again.

Of course, having money to spend whenever I want to spend it how ever way I want to spend it is the strongest arguement I have pro-working mom. I mean, most people my age have this as their reason for working, too, considering the people my age I know are from average families. Saving for the future has got to be my main focus now, I know, but spending is on top of my list right now. Diapers, baby food and all things baby are constantly in my to buy list, most of the time I don't get to buy things I need; like deo and underwear and a new pair of jeans. I get monthly "allowance" from my babydaddy, yes, but 3/4 of the money goes to the baby; monthly check-ups and MONTHLY VACCINATIONS, diapers, baby food, baby soap and shampoo, baby etc. The money that's left is emergency money, which doesn't last long. My parents (and grandparents) give me money sometimes, yes, but it's not much. I still am not paying for rent, electricity, groceries, water and I'm already complaining.

Of course, the main - and probably the only - reason why I wouldn't want to actually work outside home is because I feel that my purpose is to be a mom and a homemaker. I can't believe it at first either. If you knew me before I got pregnant, you'd know that I'm a drunkard who doesn't care if I got to work the next day or if I could stay awake while in the shower. Bry and my baby came and then everything changed. I suddenly want to get my act together and actually live long enough to take care of them. I (sort of) stopped smoking (chain-smoking, anyway). I try to stay away from junk food as much as I could and I always, always pray to God now to spare the world from Judgement Day next year. I want to take care of my family and suddenly be all Mrs. Brady to my (much, much, MUCH smaller) bunch.

I want to help Bry save up for this family but at the same time be here for, say, parent-teacher conferences and family days and Linggo ng Wika presentations. I see working at home the best solution for my dilemma but I need a high-paying, home-based job that can help me earn. Once we've earned enough, we're gonna invest on a business which will give us passive income then we'll never have to become a slave to the corporate world again. But yeah, I have to spend more time online again to find a legit online, home-based job first.

Sigh. Being a grown-up is hard.

Last Friday, my grade school friends and I "celebrated" our 10th year anniversary.

Yes, it has been 10 years since we all graduated from grade school and we decided to have a little get together since 2 of our friends flew in from overseas in time for our 10th year. Okay, one of them arrived last year for his OJT.

We decided to meet up in Boni High Street because we all wanted to see what Mercato was all about. Waited at Bo's 'til we're complete. When the last one of us arrived, we hung out a bit to gossip about Piolo Pascual (one of us is related to Piolo) and blame me for not inviting ANYONE from the group to Brianna's binyag.

The gang all caffeine-d up and ready for Mercato.

We then walked all the way to Mercato. Not an option I would've chosen but I don't have a car so...

At the first stoplight we came across.

At another stoplight where the ones who took the photo made the green light.

It wasn't that much a long walk to Mercato or maybe I was just enjoying the walk, I didn't notice how long it was. Mercato was not at all what I expected. It was hot and steamy and tight and not in a good way. The food was good, though. I just wish they added more seats to accommodate everyone. Good thing we found seats.

Yummy food!

Kaycee had to go home after Mercato because she wasn't feeling well. We, on the other hand, went to Kebab! Kebab! for some drinks.

Niko's planking fail.

While waiting for our table in Kebab! Kebab!

Alpo and Apple the balikbayan/bakasyonista.

Apple and Ren

Me with the Vicencios.

Angel and a bored Niko.

I really missed hanging out with these guys. We also missed a lot of people last Friday but this ain't the last. There's one more before August ends because the balikbayans are going back where they came from. Looking forward.

Note: Yes, I drank a couple of bottles because I read somewhere it's okay for breastfeeding moms to drink once in a while, just not to the point of intoxication and breastfeeding doesn't come right after the last bottle. It will be okay to breastfeed after a couple of hours, depending on the amount of alcohol consumed and the mom has sobered up fully.

Photos grabbed from Alfreanne Panganiban and Purple Pascual's Facebook pages.

Swagger. What does it really mean?

According to http://www.merriam-webster.com,

²swag·ger

noun \ˈswa-gər\

Definition of SWAGGER

1

a : an arrogantly self-confident way of walking : an act or instance of swaggering

b : arrogant or conceitedly self-assured behavior

c : ostentatious display or bravado

2

: a self-confident outlook : cockiness

I've first encountered that word from a song. It's supposed to be used by maangas people, like those rappers who sing about it. Kids from Tumblr and Twitter seem to be using the word differently, though.

I've seen people in my Twitter timeline write "Just brushed my teeth. #SWAG". How is that swag, right? These kids don't know what the word really means but use it just to look cool. Which kinda sucks.

I'm not annoyed because they're trying to sound cool. I am annoyed because kids nowadays say things without knowing/understanding their real meaning. And since I am a mom now, I am also becoming paranoid because I have a daughter who might sprinkle the F word in her sentences like there's nothing wrong with it (I WAS guilty of this). It's my job to make Brianna understand but whose job is it to make the other kids understand?

Aren't you too old for that?

Yes, Brianna's too old for those but I decided to put them on again because she keeps on snacking on her fingers and they probably are sore by the way they look.

Thumbsucking is normal for babies, according to Brianna's pedia but should be stopped early on for it is highly addictive. It's like cigarettes for babies. Her pedia said I should distract her from sucking her fingers by toys. I got her one of those jungle gyms but whenever she gets excited, she automatically puts her hands in her mouth. Yes, in it, not on it.

Anyway, this solution doesn't seem to work. She still has her fingers in her mouth as I type. But at least her hands won't look bruised anymore.

I need help on this issue, moms. Fo realz.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Baptismal seminar slapped me in the face.

Bry and I went to the baptismal seminar in the Shrine of Our Lady of Lourdes in Retiro (Ninongs and Ninangs, take note!) last Friday. Bry's mom and his cousin, Jane, conducted the seminar. I was soooo sleepy and I thought I knew everything they will be saying there (e.g. Reason for white dress, annointing of oil, etc.) since I graduated from a Catholic school. Twice. Boy, was I wrong.

Being a parent requires a whole lot of work. Yes, providing for the child and caring for him/her, in itself, is hardwork already. But they pointed out that what you do - and not what you say - is more important. Think about your parents for a while. They always say stuff to you, right? Like eat your vegetables, go home early, etc. But do THEY do it? A parent's job is to be an example. And that, my friends, is the most crucial part of being a parent. The kids will look at what you are doing, how you are doing things, how you respond to what's happening around you (eep!).

Now, how did that affect me? Simple. I responded quite weakly to the situation involving me and my little family. The situation swallowed me whole and I have succumbed to what my parents have been forcing me to do out of guilt (I am constantly being reminded that I am the biggest problem in their lives and that I am the reason why they've been very stressed, which sounds stupid considerig they brought the stress upon themselves when they decided to meddle with Bry and my decision to get married). Upon leaving the seminar, I realized that I need to fix this situation, pronto. Bry can only help so much. Everything, pretty much, is on my shoulders.

Now that I think about it, I have been bringing everything to myself. Everything includes not being married to Bry and living apart from him, Brianna's surname (which will be a big hassle when we change it), my frustrations of not being able to live my OWN life and so much more. I have the capability to decide. I know it. But the guilt is pulling me so far down that if I don't do anything about it, I might just rot in my parent's house without a husband and a child who will be blaming me for not fighting for her dad.

Yes, all of those thoughts were running in my mind during the seminar. The listening and storing part of my mind was on auto-pilot that night so I got the details I needed to remember for the baptism so I was able to go into deep thinking then. Which led to the conversation I had with Bry later that night. Which is an entirely different story.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone