Disclaimer: This post is all over the place. You have been warned.
I know I've asked this billions of times over 300 million channels in the past but I still don't have an answer that satisfies me: Am I being selfish for SOMETIMES following what my gut tells me to do?
I seem to have finally found the courage to stand up to my bullies and assert myself but everyone else - at least, those I see on a normal basis - thinks that I am being selfish; thinking of just myself all the freakin' time. Normally, I would agree with them - because I have really low self-esteem - but thing is I don't feel like I'm being selfish now.
I know when I am just being a brat and like a normal human being, I'd deny it to anyone willing to listen but deep deep down, I know I'm just acting out. Now, though, even with all the drama, I know that I'm not doing all of these just for the hell of it. There are much, much deeper explanations that I have for thinking and talking the way that I do now. Problem is I am finally sick and tired of having to explain myself every damn time just to prove that what I'm doing is right, or at the very least, for the betterment of the situation. I mean, I've said and done it at least 5x in the past but I always, always end up being misinterpreted. That, or what I say is being deliberately taken out of context so they can blame me for screwing everything up.
So I did what they all wanted me to do: I shut up. No more opinions. No more anecdotes. No more "knowing it all". No more anything from me. I just clammed up. I still hear how immature I am being, how bratty I am, and how I screwed this family up by living in my own little world but at least I don't add up to the "mistakes" they think I make on a daily basis.
Now, I know they are blaming everything on the boyfriend. I mean, that's just how their minds work. They don't believe that I can come up with a decision all by myself. They don't believe I can actually think for myself (which is quite insulting if you think about it but I've been living with this for 26 years that it doesn't even bother me anymore). While I make all the decisions for both Brianna and I, Alfred has a played a part in all this by supporting me. Never in my 11 years of dating have I found someone so supportive that for the first time in my life, I am actually betting on myself. I've had these thoughts for the looooongest time but only now did I get the courage to actually pursue them one by one. I can never stress this enough: Support goes a long damn way. So technically, yes, he should get part of the blame because he believes in me and my ability to make things happen.
(I am drifting away from the original intention of this post. Selfishness. Yeah.)
After all that has been said and done, I believe that I am not selfish for doing the things that I do. I am not stepping on anyone's toes and I am not intentionally hurting those people who get affected. I do the things that I do because I need to do them...for myself and for my daughter. I am, first and foremost, a mom now and if people can't understand that, well, it's, quite frankly, not my problem anymore.