It's been a long, long while.

A lot has been happening these past few weeks/months but I haven't bombarded this place with the nonsense in my head. I don't know why, actually. Probably because I'm having way too much fun with everything, despite the fact that some of the things that's happened actually tore me into pieces. I don't know, maybe I've finally learned to see the good in it even though it hurts.

So what has happened these past few weeks/months? Let's see…

• I've FINALLY been to Boracay.
• And I actually went snorkeling!
• And banana boat-ing!
• Although I didn't get a tan.
• But the Boracay sunset…ohmygod, it really is as pretty as everyone says it is.
• I went hotel-hopping. Mind you, these are not cheap ass hotels you find along Malate or something.
• I've managed to "dump" all the people that I don't want and need in my life, including the people related to them.
• I had a major falling out with my dad.
• But we're okay now. I think.
• I got a full-time online job.
• Brianna started and ended her summer class with flying colors.
• My friends now know how crazy I get when I'm in a relationship.
• I'm in a relationship.
• But not without a falling out that almost led to a "break-up" even if we weren't really together yet that time.
• Brianna celebrated her 3rd baptismal anniversary.
• My laptop died on me in the middle of a hectic week at work.
• Which led me to get a Mac. Which seems to be eating me up alive with every simple command that I can't figure out without the help of my brother or the Internet.
• I've started reading books again.
• I'm actually planning to buy a car.
• And to get life insurance. As in legit planning, with quotations and loans and stuff.
• I've achieved my weight goal and I'm actually maintaining it.
• I've enrolled Brianna for this coming school year.
• I hung out in a Starbucks branch all by myself after a really, really, REALLY long time. I think the last time I did that was in college. It was so refreshing, I want to do it regularly.
• I got a new pair of glasses that makes me look like a hipster, according to a friend.
• I failed to finish the #100HappyDays project which bummed me out…but not quite.
• A lot of items on my wish list/bucket list have been ticked off, thanks to my wonderful new boyfriend who just keeps on granting everything on my lists. I'm not going to elaborate on what the items are/were but he's been doing that since we first saw each other again last September and I can't stop thanking him for it. I mean, it takes a lot of effort (and money) to get some of the things done (of course, a lot of them are easy and free) but I never heard him complain.
• I might have found the perfect dress for my friend's wedding this November.
• Brianna told me that I'm "very awesome", which is probably the best entry here.
• Which I tweeted. I don't tweet as much, too, so there goes constantly documenting my life online.
• Also stopped reading my Twitter timeline/browsing through my Instagram feed 509375894072101948578461807492 times a day. It's oddly refreshing.

I guess that's everything. I don't know how to get everything out and I am not doing one post for each item so I made a list. It's not chronologically arranged or something. I just wanted to take note of how exhausting but at the same time, exhilarating the past few weeks/months have been for me. The short-term memory loss that general anesthesia has given me will probably wipe my memory clean by the end of the first half of the year, might as well document what I remember now.

I am quite thankful for how everything is turning out. Despite the many, many, many disappointments, I feel that everything is falling into place. How can I not be grateful, right?

Slowly but surely.

Last night, I met my favorite person's college friends. We drank. We ate. We smoked. We talked. We laughed. That's to be expected. It's an inuman session, after all. What I didn't expect is how all girlfriend-y I acted last night...and a clingy one at that.

I wasn't disappointed by it at all, don't get me wrong. In fact, I've been waiting for my old clingy girlfriend self for the longest time cause I lost her and I got so bummed about it for realz 'cause I love being clingy but now that she's slowly coming back, I'm grateful. Surprised, even, that she's still with me despite all the hurt I've been through because of her but I am not complaining. If anything, I'm ecstatic to know that she's still in me.

Everything is going as planned and I know by the time we finally make everything official, old clingy Ale will be back in full and I think my favorite person will appreciate her more than anyone else ever did/will.

So excited for 2014.

2013 gave me a whole lot of things to be thankful for: successes, heartbreaks, accomplished goals, disappointing failures... I wouldn't have it any other way, yes, but I would also love for 2013 to end. I've grown so much this year - a lot of people can attest to that - and I can't wait to grow even more in 2014.

Happy New Year, everyone! Here's to an abundant 2014. Cheers!

Of exes and late-night realizations.

I've literally been in a relationship for 10 years now. Not all with one guy, though. I haven't had a break from being in a relationship in those 10 years until now. Now that I'm single, I've done some thinking and I've come up with a few realizations. The first one being IT FEELS SO DAMN GREAT TO BE SINGLE. No one to ask permission from, no one to update whenever I go out, no one to monitor, no one to argue with, no one to get all paranoid about. It just feels great. It's liberating.

Second realization is that I finally have time to think about my wants and needs. Yes, I know I have a daughter so I still have limits in terms of this but having a wider range of choices than I had before feels so good. If I want to spend Php4,000 for a bag I will rarely use, I can just do it without anyone hovering, telling me I don't need the bag blah blah blah. In short, walang KJ.

Lastly, the realization that I am attracting the same guy over and over again. I've dated quite a number of guys but I've only been in a serious relationship with 3. I know what you're thinking: How could I have dated other guys if I wasn't "available" for 10 years. I'm not proud but I've dated other guys while I was in a relationship with those 3 other guys. They're harmless dates, mind you. Nothing happened with those other guys...except for the 2 back in 2006. (I'm sorry, ex-boyfriend #2, but, yeah, I cheated on you with 2 other guys before I got back together with my then ex-boyfriend, who is now my ex again. So that's 3 guys. Again, sorry.)

When I was with ex-boyfriend #3, though, I went out with College Guy a couple of times but usually with a group of friends so technically I wasn't dating him but I'm head over heels in LIKE - if there's such a term - with the guy so the get-togethers weren't as harmless as I would want them to be but that's not the point of this post. (Last na, I'm still nanggigigil over him so much that I need to go out with him one more time...maybe more times after that.)

Anyway, those 3 guys I've been in a relationship with have 3 similar qualities:

1. They don't prioritize me but expect me to prioritize them. Okay, maybe ex-boyfriend #1 prioritized me for the most part of our relationship but he couldn't disobey his parents for me. I'm such a bad person for saying that, I know, but I've done it for him a lot of times so I got hurt when he can't and won't do it then. Ex-boyfriend #2 has his org and ex-boyfriend #3, who, by the way, is the father of my daughter, has his friends to prioritize.
2. When I broke up with all of them, ginuilt trip nila ako. I would've done the same thing if I were in their position, too, though so no hard feelings there.
3. They all didn't put up a fight when I broke up with them. They just let me go. This may sound stupid cause I won't get back together with them anyway but not one of them defended the years we've been together. I'm kinda hurt by that, to be perfectly honest. Ex-boyfriend #1 did that the first time we broke up - he filled my room with roses and rose petals and collages of our faces and messages on my mirrors - and I appreciated that but the break-up that ended it all, he did nothing. So, yeah. Maybe I'm that mean and inconsiderate to them that they just want me out of their systems. Whatever.

I don't know why I attract these kinds of guys and choose to be serious with them but I always do. I think it's a good thing I've decided to take a break on being in a relationship with someone. This might change the vibes I am sending out to the Universe... I hope it does because God knows how tired I am of prioritizing my partners over myself.

I Drive Myself Crazy (Thinking of You)

No, I am not posting lyrics or the music video of the song. It's just that these past few days, I really have been driving myself crazy thinking of College Guy.

I started my week waking up from a dream where he's so in love with me, he knocked babydaddy cold. Everyday, I hope and pray to the high heavens for some sort of interaction and/or communication to happen between the two of us. The closest thing I got to an interaction was a star on one of my posts that I know pertains to a girl from his past. This morning, I keep on checking my phone for text messages from him even if it's a long shot to actually receive a message from him and I keep on praying that when the Viber tone rings, it's him sending me a message, asking me to have a couple of beers with him. Crazy, right?

Crazier thing is I'm actually expecting him to make a move despite the fact that he doesn't like me that way. I can do the proactive thing and ask him out myself - which would probably end all the craziness in my head - but I really can't bring myself to compose that text message. The code name I gave him in college, Frustration, really is perfect when it comes to him.

Maybe I just put too much meaning on the things that have happened between us in the past: The hug, the invitations, the looks he gave his friends... Maybe there really wasn't anything there to begin with. Maybe I was just too excited with the idea that, for the first time ever in 7 years, the both of us are single at the same time.

I came to the conclusion, though, that I am just setting myself up for destruction, one that's gonna happen anytime soon if I don't stop this nonsense. I hope this little message I wrote to myself will help me quit this crazy addiction once and for all:

Note: I know I am a universe-and-law-of-attraction kind of person but I guess some things are just really not meant to be. I am realistic enough to accept that. Besides, I haven't been single in 10 years, maybe it's about time I played the field a bit... Now, where to start?

Note (again): I might be in love with him. What do you think?

I'll forever want to live in the South...

I know that most people in the South only considers BF Parañaque and Alabang area as South but it isn't so. I am quite annoyed by this but them rich kids want the title all to themselves, making the term "taga-South" leave a quite negative impression (e.g. connio, rich kid, sosyal, Inglisero/a, etc).

Anyway, despite the negative connotation, I still want to live there. I know I said somewhere in this blog that I've changed my mind when it comes to living and building a family in the South but a quick visit to the place brings back all the love I have for the place. I was there last weekend and I've spent time with old friends in a cemetery and I couldn't be happier. We didn't drink nor did we eat but we spent 6 hours talking about anything and everything and smoking the occasional cigarette and I had the grandest time.

Then we went to BF for a family thing Sunday morning and I can't help but get all warm inside while I took in all of the establishments and houses I saw. If you don't know it yet, I've always wanted to live inside that gated community and study in either Beda or Zobel but as you all know, that didn't happen. 15 years after, I still dream to own a house inside BF despite the horrible traffic situation in President's Ave., Aguirre and Elizalde but it's now Brianna I want to send to Zobel or Beda (Manre, Ann Arbor and Marymount are now added to the list because let's admit it: Di na biro magpaaral ng bata ngayon). My tita offering a room in her house for us just adds fuel to the flame.

All of my closest friends are in that area, as well as people I never want to hear of and from again but that doesn't stop me from wanting to grow old there. Now, where to find a man who either lives there or would be willing to live there for the rest of his life?

Lessons of the week.

One of the things I learned this week is that God and the universe will not allow you to wallow in self-pity for a very long time. They will throw good stuff - small stuff - into your life that will make you feel grateful despite all the problems you are having. It's just your call if you're gonna recognize and accept it or not. In my case, I did and now I'm feeling a lot better than I did last Friday.

I've also learned that betting against guys will get you in (drunken) trouble. I made a bet against two guys last Monday where I know think I'm gonna lose. Just so you know, loser takes 5 shots of Gran Matador, the very same drink I swore off from drinking back in '08. Lucky me, huh?

Partying in my mid 20s...

I finally walked into a bar again after 1029384502 years with these guys and here are some of the things I realized:

• Di na pala uso ang walk-in ngayon. Back in 07, we didn't need guestlists and table reservations to party.
• They don't play solid hip-hop music anymore. I knew I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas was bad news when I first heard it in '09.
• Lights put me in a trance.
• I'm lazy as hell but when I'm in the club, all I wanna do is move (and to be honest, for someone to stay really close to me. Para akong naka-E pag nasa bar kahit di naman talaga)
• Even if I don't eat before I drink Jack, I don't puke in the morning (which is probably the best realization of the night).
• I like my clubs tight and hot.
• I couldn't go "all out", even if I'm hard-liquor drunk.
• I've become a glass-half-full type of person.
• Still, the Law of Attraction didn't disappoint.

I hope it won't take me another 11 months before I enter a club again. Sure, I don't like the music they play now but that doesn't take the high I get whenever I'm inside away. 

Sana nga lang murang gumimik ng ganun. Kaso hindi e.

One of the things Thought Catalog made me realize...

Yes, I've been reading way too much Thought Catalog for my own good. It's a great pick-me-upper or it can be a great depressant, depending on the article you are reading. Sometimes, it's both in one article.

Anyway, after probably a hundred Thought Catalog articles read, one of the things I realized is that the human form of Ursula, Vanessa, is one of the hottest female cartoon characters Disney has ever drawn.

She's also one of the more legit villains, too, because let's admit it: In real life, there are more hot people who antagonize the lives of "normies" than the uglies - excuse me for the term - antagonizing the lives of good-looking people. Case in point: Mistresses and kept men are usually better looking than the actual girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband.

Also, her smoldering look and her singing voice can bring any man (and woman, if that's how you roll) to his (or her) knees. This was "dictated" to me by one of the articles. To prove it, though, I re-watched The Little Mermaid. I totally see it now.

Still got it!

Last Saturday night, I was (drunkenly) telling Bry how I felt ugly ever since 2009 and how 2007 was the peak of my "beauty". He didn't necessarily give me the affirmation I would've appreciated in my then-drunken state so that I'm-not-pretty feeling stuck with me days after.

Then Tuesday came. Malia and I were gonna meet up in Wynsum Bldg. in Ortigas before we went to Jason's grandfather's wake. I arrived 30 minutes before she did so I decided to wait for her in Ortigas Park. I sat on one of the benches in the park, sharing it with a stranger in corporate attire, lit a cigarette and puffed away. I had my iPod on so I didn't notice him offering me a gum up until the song ended. I declined and he kept on talking to me despite how obvious my earphones were from his point of view.

He's probably around my age, doesn't look half bad and - according to him - he works as an accountant for San Miguel Corporation. He told me he was earning around Php 80,000 when he was still working online but he got banned on oDesk and that was when he decided to apply for the accountant post in San Miguel. All of these he told me while I had my earphones on. I just nodded on some parts of his "small talk" but I didn't give him anything. When Malia finally arrived, I had to excuse myself while he gloats on how rich he is. He asked for my number but I just left him there, with his iPhone 2g.

Okay, he gave me my much-needed self-esteem boost but while I was walking from Ortigas Park to the Wynsum Bldg., I realized:

• I still got it!
• how I hate doing small talk with people I don't know more than I hate doing small talk with people I do know.
• when engaged in small talk with people I don't know, I don't really, you know, talk.
• some people will still talk to you even if you have your earphones plugged in.
• people get picked up in weird places.
• that we were in a park in Ortigas. If he wanted to pick someone up, he shouldn't do it there. I mean, don't we go to bars or Quezon Ave. when we want to pick people up? He should do the same.

Anyway, now that my confidence gauge is semi-full, I guess I shouldn't dwell too much on how prettier I was back then. In fact, I'm now ready to see the photos I downloaded from Multiply again and organize them. (Yeah, both the motivation and the conclusion of this blog post is rather shallow but what do you care, huh?)

After 11 years...

I have been drinking alcohol for 11 years now and can I just say that I just realized last night how my body reacts to beer. Well, that's actually not that surprising if you think about it because I never drank beer before I got pregnant except for certain situations (e.g. officemate's birthday celebrations and nightouts with my former officemates...sila lang mahilig mag-beer, okay?). Now that I have to transition from hard liquor to beer because of alcohol content in my breastmilk (yes, I am allowed to drink), I've just figured out how I react to beer.

A bottle of beer gives me a headache. I learned this while I was on one of my emo moments at home and I wanted to drink a bottle of beer because I just wanted to take a break from work and from mommyhood and I gave myself exactly 30 minutes to finish the bottle. Long story short, I took a longer break from both because my head was throbbing like crazy. One bottle? Never again.

2-3 bottles of beer is the exact amount for me (as of now). I've been jamming with my dad and Bry the past few weekends and this is just enough for me to talk to them rationally and for me to wake up early the next morning for an hour of running.

4 bottles are just enough to put me in a deep sleep. Exhibit A: Me, last night.

5 bottles and up will make you regret you asked me to drink in the first place. It's puke-palooza for me and you might as well take me to the hospital because I'd be spewing out like a volcano and my head will hurt like hell for two days and my stomach will feel like there's hairball inside it and I will be asking for a lot of tea and soda...

Anyway, that's my analysis for now. I know that the more I drink, the better the numbers will be... The first one, though, will remain constant. I know that for a fact kasi kahit sa hard ganyan ako e.

Realization over the 5-day weekend

I only have one realization over the 5-day weekend...

Shampooing my hair once every 3 days with the 2 days washing it only with conditioner makes it smoother and more manageable.

Yeah. That's the only realization I have over the 5-day weekend.