One of the best weekends of my life.

I enjoy going out with friends from time to time but I prefer staying at home. I don't know if I'm just extremely lazy or I'm what you call a homebody. Anyway, the ideal setting is someplace else rather than here at Pasig and that is exactly what I got just this weekend.

Lounging around the whole day and watching Masterchef US while cuddling with the two most important people in my life right now...that's all I did the past 3 days but I wouldn't have it any other way. It's so refreshing to wake up without having to dread what the day will bring and much, much more refreshing to sleep without carrying all the burden, complaints, and all the blame of the whole day on my shoulders. Plus zero airplanes flying over the roof every 15 damn minutes can take all the anxiety away from you.

The past weekend has brought me nothing but love, acceptance, calm, and relaxation. I want that every damn day for the rest of my life.

PS. This Alex and Zoe sticker set from Viber perfectly captures how our weekend went...plus, of course, a toddler who kicks everyone else on the bed while she sleeps:

I can't move on. Best. Weekend. Ever.

(Yes, I just posted my first ever rant post about my dear, dear boyfriend, Mr. Breath of Fresh Air. I still love you heaps, though, and that doesn't change the fact that I am so thankful to God and the Universe for you and your impeccable timing. Tampo lang ako.)

(Hayaan na, minsan lang ako maglambing...online.)

I don't care if you call me "mababaw"; I have my reasons.

(I don't even know how to write this. That's how shitty I'm feeling right now.)

I guess there are people who don't get attached to material things as much as I do. Don't get me wrong; I'm not materialistic. I just attach emotions and sentiments and all those touchy-feely stuff to things. That's the reason why I have kept a whole lot of junk from the past. Mind you, most of these things weren't given to me. These are things I bought/picked up from the garbage (gross, I know)/made that remind me of certain emotions/situations. I'm sentimental like that.

(Teka, teka, teka: Is that what materialistic means? Keeping trash you don't actually need? I'm kind of confused and quite frankly, I forgot what it actually means. Tanga ba? Bite me.)

It just bums me out that the one person who I thought held on to sentiments the way I did, apparently, doesn't see it that way. I know I shouldn't expect things from others but I just can't help it especially if he's the kind of guy who seems like he just walked right out of a rom-com movie. You know, surprise-favorite-breakfast-meals, movie-marathon-while-cuddling-on-a-couch, holding-hands-while-driving kind of guy. At some point, you're going to have to expect things. Like holding on to things that's remotely close to the two of us.

Anyway, whatever. It's nothing major. It's just a stupid watch. Right now, I'm ready to bawl my eyes out if he disposes it off (meaning he'll give it to his sister) but I'm pretty sure tomorrow I'll be over it. It isn't mine anyway. I just have the same watch which I honestly thought we bought as kind of a couples watch of sorts but whatever. I don't care anymore.

PS. It sucks that after all that I've been through, I still expect things from people.

PPS. Yes, all of this for a stupid watch.

PPPS. I don't think you'll ever understand why I'm making a big deal out of this but whatever.

Day 15. #100HappyDaysV2.0

(There's something about me and guys who live quite far from my place and have a hard time meeting up with me…)

Online window shopping with the boyfriend. Yes, technology is an essential part of our relationship…for now.

Day 10. #100HappyDaysV2.0

Much-needed Sundate with these two. I haven't thought of a single problem the entire time we were out.

Also thankful for this guy's mom for making me and Brianna feel like we actually are a part of her family. We felt comfortable around her; no judgements, no expectations, just love. Yes, she actually made us feel loved…accepted. Such a great woman, that woman. So thankful she raised her son the way she did. Kami ng anak ko ang tunay na nakikinabang.

MARAMING SALAMAT.

Ang buwan ng Hulyo ay naging mahirap. Mabigat.

Maraming masasakit na salita ang nabitawan.
Maraming desisyong hindi napanindigan.
Maraming maling pananaw ang nakapagpaalog ng pundasyong matagal nang nilalatag.
May mga nagbago at may mga hindi nagbago.
Nabawasan ang tiwala, paniniwala, at respeto.
Nadagdagan ang pagdududa, pagaalinlangan, at sakit.
Nananatili ang pagkakaiba sa mga opinyon at mga kuro-kuro at ang paninindigan sa mga ito.

Pero nalampasan namin ang lahat ng ito sa pagkapit sa nasa itaas at sa pagmamahal sa isa't isa.

Sa pagsasara ng buwan ng Hulyo, gusto ko lang magpasalamat sa buwang nakalipas at sa mga bagyong dulot nito. Lalong nadagdagan ang pagpapahalaga ko sa aking sarili at sa aking pinakamamahal.

Nawa'y maging matiwasay ang mga susunod na mag buwan at mga taon para sa aming dalawa. Kung hindi man, sana ay mas mapatatag pa kami ng mga unos na aming pagdadaanan.

Brain Dump.

I am a hopeless romantic and last night, I realized that there's a reason behind it: I've always wanted to become a wife. Even when I was younger, I went on dates with the thought that I might be spending my life with the person I am meeting for the very first time. It's always been that way.

I started dating in 2002, when a friend tagged me along a date with her boyfriend so the boyfriend's buddy would have someone to talk to. We ended up going on 3 dates but, even if he's so obnoxious (that time), that I wanted to smack his head to his coffee, I still fantasized about how we'd spend lazy Sunday afternoons together.

The only exception for this I-think-I-wanna-marry-you mentality was probably when I dated my block mate but even then, we ended up dating for a full year.

Going out of topic but bottom-line is that I've always wanted to be a wife. I think believe I function better emotionally? psychologically? mentally? when I'm part of a "we" instead of just being on my own…which I've learned to accept. I'm not cut out to be Miss Independent. I get it.

*******

Reason for that's most probably because I love doing the support thing most…which might be rebutted by at least 2 people who have called me contradicting.

*******

I apparently have lost the ability to express my love, care, and concern. For the record, I blame the babydaddy. For now, I have to push myself to be that annoying girlfriend I once was again.

*******

I am possessive beyond belief and I get crazy-jealous. As in CUHRAYZEE-jealous. I forgot how severe these…diseases are and they're taking too much work on my boyfriend's end. Yes, this early.

*******

Despite all this, though, I am quite lucky to have a guy who's patience, understanding, and love know no boundaries. I know he's got limits (contradicting nanaman. That's the reason why I was dubbed "walking contradiction" by a college friend) and I'm not stupid enough to push them and that is why I will try to become a better partner for him.

*******

Blah blah blah, those words don't mean anything, I know, but I'm having a hard time showing how I'm feeling. Thanks to 7 years of practice with College Guy.

*******

(Hahahahahahaha! Sinisi lahat sa lalaki.)

*******

Relationship also suffering from missing each other so much. What is clingy?

******

I want to move out. Seriously. Ironically, the want peaked at the height of the storm yesterday. I want to know how I'll react to something like that whilst caring for a hyperactive kid. (Whilst talaga?)

*******

For some reason, my mind goes back to that one day in September last year. I wonder why.

*******

I definitely need to stop smoking. I have every reason to but I don't believe I have the discipline to actually do it but I will do it…after this last cigarette pack I have with me now.

*******

I'm thinking of getting an actual office job but all the jobs I want requires me to relocate to the South. Great for me but I guess I have to wait for Brianna to finish this academic year before I move although I really, really, really want it to happen now.

*******

I should update my iPod playlist now but it's too tedious a task, I'm getting lazy just by thinking about it.

*******

First of all, there's no sea anywhere near Cainta. Second, I don't want to live there. Yun lang naman apila ko dito. Hahahahaha!

You see, I'm running out of things to do online so I've been taking all kinds of tests posted on my Facebook timeline…even those with jeje graphics.

*******

I want to do and be a lot of things lately and my save-up-for-the-future deadline is coming in full speed which explains the anxiety I've been having these past few days.

It's been a long, long while.

A lot has been happening these past few weeks/months but I haven't bombarded this place with the nonsense in my head. I don't know why, actually. Probably because I'm having way too much fun with everything, despite the fact that some of the things that's happened actually tore me into pieces. I don't know, maybe I've finally learned to see the good in it even though it hurts.

So what has happened these past few weeks/months? Let's see…

• I've FINALLY been to Boracay.
• And I actually went snorkeling!
• And banana boat-ing!
• Although I didn't get a tan.
• But the Boracay sunset…ohmygod, it really is as pretty as everyone says it is.
• I went hotel-hopping. Mind you, these are not cheap ass hotels you find along Malate or something.
• I've managed to "dump" all the people that I don't want and need in my life, including the people related to them.
• I had a major falling out with my dad.
• But we're okay now. I think.
• I got a full-time online job.
• Brianna started and ended her summer class with flying colors.
• My friends now know how crazy I get when I'm in a relationship.
• I'm in a relationship.
• But not without a falling out that almost led to a "break-up" even if we weren't really together yet that time.
• Brianna celebrated her 3rd baptismal anniversary.
• My laptop died on me in the middle of a hectic week at work.
• Which led me to get a Mac. Which seems to be eating me up alive with every simple command that I can't figure out without the help of my brother or the Internet.
• I've started reading books again.
• I'm actually planning to buy a car.
• And to get life insurance. As in legit planning, with quotations and loans and stuff.
• I've achieved my weight goal and I'm actually maintaining it.
• I've enrolled Brianna for this coming school year.
• I hung out in a Starbucks branch all by myself after a really, really, REALLY long time. I think the last time I did that was in college. It was so refreshing, I want to do it regularly.
• I got a new pair of glasses that makes me look like a hipster, according to a friend.
• I failed to finish the #100HappyDays project which bummed me out…but not quite.
• A lot of items on my wish list/bucket list have been ticked off, thanks to my wonderful new boyfriend who just keeps on granting everything on my lists. I'm not going to elaborate on what the items are/were but he's been doing that since we first saw each other again last September and I can't stop thanking him for it. I mean, it takes a lot of effort (and money) to get some of the things done (of course, a lot of them are easy and free) but I never heard him complain.
• I might have found the perfect dress for my friend's wedding this November.
• Brianna told me that I'm "very awesome", which is probably the best entry here.
• Which I tweeted. I don't tweet as much, too, so there goes constantly documenting my life online.
• Also stopped reading my Twitter timeline/browsing through my Instagram feed 509375894072101948578461807492 times a day. It's oddly refreshing.

I guess that's everything. I don't know how to get everything out and I am not doing one post for each item so I made a list. It's not chronologically arranged or something. I just wanted to take note of how exhausting but at the same time, exhilarating the past few weeks/months have been for me. The short-term memory loss that general anesthesia has given me will probably wipe my memory clean by the end of the first half of the year, might as well document what I remember now.

I am quite thankful for how everything is turning out. Despite the many, many, many disappointments, I feel that everything is falling into place. How can I not be grateful, right?

The One.

"I've asked the question, "how do you know he is the one?" And I've heard the answer, "you just know it." To be honest, I didn't know it. JC and I have both been in relationships that we thought was for the long run but wasn't. But what I can share is, and this I realized from something my good friend Mariel mentioned to me, is that you know that person is the one when that person loves you the way you have always wanted to be loved."

-Bianca Gonzalez, http://www.iamsuperbianca.com/

Letting me drive your car despite the mood I was in on then switching to the song/artist which/who you know calms me down whenever I'm stressed is one of the sweetest things you've done for me.

Slowly but surely.

Last night, I met my favorite person's college friends. We drank. We ate. We smoked. We talked. We laughed. That's to be expected. It's an inuman session, after all. What I didn't expect is how all girlfriend-y I acted last night...and a clingy one at that.

I wasn't disappointed by it at all, don't get me wrong. In fact, I've been waiting for my old clingy girlfriend self for the longest time cause I lost her and I got so bummed about it for realz 'cause I love being clingy but now that she's slowly coming back, I'm grateful. Surprised, even, that she's still with me despite all the hurt I've been through because of her but I am not complaining. If anything, I'm ecstatic to know that she's still in me.

Everything is going as planned and I know by the time we finally make everything official, old clingy Ale will be back in full and I think my favorite person will appreciate her more than anyone else ever did/will.

Thanks, you.

I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight...

(Grammar's all wrong but that Chris Brown song, I admit, is quite catchy...especially this time of the year so I'm using it and you can't do anything about it!)

Okay, the blog title doesn't really have anything to do with the entry... I've just been singing the song in my head since last night when my buddy fell asleep.

I just can't help but feel lucky with all that's been happening to me... but when someone comforts you right after you hurt him...and not only that; you blow off his every attempt of making you feel better but that just pushes him to try harder... If those two things won't make any girl swoon - or even just smile to herself - I don't know what else would.

(Okay, I've committed an entire list of grammar and syntax errors in that paragraph alone but I don't care!)

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm bragging but I just want to thank the high heavens and the universe for this awesome gift. This time last year, I was having problems leaving the dead-end, highly toxic relationship I was in and now, here I am a year later, forcing myself to believe that I am not just imagining this wonderful new (old) guy who's willing to give me the world (I'm not exaggerating AT ALL) when all I can offer him at this point in time is a barely-complete version of myself.

Wide awake

Yep, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and I'm still all giddy. It's probably because I'm rewatching Friends for the nth time in the past couple of months. Or maybe it's because I'm just so excited by the fact that I am experiencing all these again after long, long years of hiatus. And no, I'm not talking about sex. Although...

Everything just feels really good. So good, I can't get myself to sleep.

January 1, 2013 vs. January 1, 2014

I know, I know. I've taken up that relatively pricey PSI seminar 3 years ago and I should have let go of these kinds of programs but I've always thought of January 1 as the basis of how the days of the year will go. Although it wasn't always true in the past years, I still believe in starting my year right.

Last year's January 1 was the worst by far, having been called a gold digger for wanting a normal family life. I was bawling my eyes out until about 3 days after that. Despite the wild turnaround of events halfway through the year, I still consider 2013 a rather harsh year for all the heartaches it gave me but I'm thankful nevertheless because the permanent huge grin I have on my face in the past few months up until now wouldn't have happened if I didn't get my heart broken (twice!) last year.

This year, January 1 also ended with tears but not because of some kind of hurt. It was because I've never felt so much appreciation, support and love from anyone else before. Even the best of my exes didn't make me feel even half of what I'm feeling right now. It's like for the first time in my life, I finally know what it feels like to be a special someone and to be treated like one of those girls in the movies. It might seem shallow to some people but for me, it actually means a lot. I mean, I feel like a queen right now so I don't really care. Don't even get me started as to how he treats my daughter because I will bore the living wits out of anyone who's willing to listen. Of course, I'm still testing the waters as I don't want to suffer another heartbreak, especially from a friend from way back when.

Hopefully next year's January 1st is the same as this year's. I don't ever want to experience last year's January 1 again.

Do I really deserve this?

I am asking that in a good way and just so you know, I am not complaining, God and Universe. I just want to make sure that I truly deserve this particular blessing because I am just so in awe of this one, I still can't believe I have it and at that fast a turnaround time. Whew.

I know I've been through quite a lot in the romantic relationship department and I've survived to tell the whole damn story from 2003 but that also doesn't equate to me, being blessed with someone who's so good, I'm actually wondering if there's a catch. Not that I'm expecting for a catch but I'm just (still!) having a hard time believing that an actual nice guy exists. Like for real.

He's not much of a looker but his chivalrous and gentleman ways make him the most attractive guy I've seen in my entire life (okay, maybe not because Kean Cipriano) and no, we're not a couple (yet) cause I want to take things slow *cue Nice and Slow intro* plus I've a lot of issues to sort out first before I can admit even to myself that I am ready to be in a relationship again. Although I'm not gonna lie, this one's pretty hard to resist.

Anyway, I really don't know what good thing/s I did that made God and the Universe decide that I actually deserve Mr. Nice Guy right here but I'm really thankful that Christmas came early this year. (Naks! Rhyming!)

:)

• Kisses on the forehead
• Kisses on the back of the head
• Kisses on the back of the hand
• Kisses on the palm of the hand
• Hugs from behind (THIS!)
• Hand squeezes
• Back of the neck squeezes (not really sure how to call it so yeah)
• One-arm hugs
• Soft pinches on the arms
• Soft bites on the back of the hand 
• Bear hugs

(I really suck at writing when I'm this happy. I can't even think of a decent blog title. I just want to put it all out there.)

"Hindi ko rin alam pero mahilig lang ata talaga tayo magpaka martyr. Yung tipong nasasaktan ka na di mo padin kaya i-let go. Yung alam mo naman na you deserve better, pero matigas padin ulo mo. Yung tipong ayan na, harap harapan ka na nya sinasaktan dedma ka padin. Yung tipong, sabi mo sa sarili mo dati di ka na magmamahal ulit pero yan ka nanaman, nagpapakatanga sa pag-ibig. Bakit? Hindi ko alam. Pero ang alam ko lang, kailangan mo lang makahanap ng tao na kahit hindi mo alam bakit sobrang hirap, e alam mo naman na worth it."

- Joyce Pring (from her Ask.fm account.)

Non-negotiable.

After the 2 heartbreaking weeks I just had, I finally managed to recover (a bit) and I thought of a non-negotiable. Non-negotiables are these things my friends told me I should have in order to have this sort of quality control over the guys I get into relationships with.

Anyway, I already have two from a previous blog post: the guy should accept and love my daughter fully and that he is on-board with all the goal-setting and universe-attracting that I do ('cause I do those a lot...A LOT! SERIOUSLY A LOT. I can't stress that enough).

The third non-negotiable, I guess, is that he should love me more than I love him. I know that sounds so mean but I've had it with putting jerks ahead of myself and getting hurt in the process. It just gets really, really, REALLY tiring.

It's a given that I would be head over heels in love with this guy but he should be fvckin' crazy about me. Not in the freaky, psycho kind of way. The annoying-to-other-people kind of fvckin' crazy about me. Complete with the Facebook/Twitter/Instagram couple photo updates, accompanying me/me and Brianna to wherever, meeting and loving my family and friends as much as I do (especially the friends!), the gifts, the non-stop landian in person, online, etc, the works! Plus, of course, keeping up with all the serious relationship stuff I screw up in all the time and great, great, great mind-blowing sex.

Yes, I am looking for the perfect guy now. I am done giving idiots excuses for the way they treat me.

New playlist

I was chatting with my good friend, Wey, a while ago and we came up with this particular playlist:

• Wag Mo Na Sana - Parokya Ni Edgar
• Kung Ayaw Mo Huwag Mo - Rivermaya
• Alumni Homecoming - Parokya Ni Edgar
• Listen - Stonefree
• Rebound - Silent Sanctuary
• Halaga - Parokya Ni Edgar
• Waiting In Vain - Bob Marley/Bamboo
• It's The Falling In Love - Michael Jackson
• Can't Help But Wait - Trey Songz
• Knock You Down - Ne-Yo, Kanye West and Keri Hilson
• Tadhana - Up Dharma Down
• Payphone - Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa
• Migraine - Moonstar 88
• Shiver - Coldplay
• Wonderwall - Oasis

Found the common denominator? Good. Now, will you so kindly suggest songs I can add to my new playlist? :) Thanks!

Also, can I just say that Listen is a jerk song?! I hate the guy singing the song. No, not the vocalist. Who he's supposed to be, that's the one I hate. JERK!