Brain Dump.

I am a hopeless romantic and last night, I realized that there's a reason behind it: I've always wanted to become a wife. Even when I was younger, I went on dates with the thought that I might be spending my life with the person I am meeting for the very first time. It's always been that way.

I started dating in 2002, when a friend tagged me along a date with her boyfriend so the boyfriend's buddy would have someone to talk to. We ended up going on 3 dates but, even if he's so obnoxious (that time), that I wanted to smack his head to his coffee, I still fantasized about how we'd spend lazy Sunday afternoons together.

The only exception for this I-think-I-wanna-marry-you mentality was probably when I dated my block mate but even then, we ended up dating for a full year.

Going out of topic but bottom-line is that I've always wanted to be a wife. I think believe I function better emotionally? psychologically? mentally? when I'm part of a "we" instead of just being on my own…which I've learned to accept. I'm not cut out to be Miss Independent. I get it.

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Reason for that's most probably because I love doing the support thing most…which might be rebutted by at least 2 people who have called me contradicting.

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I apparently have lost the ability to express my love, care, and concern. For the record, I blame the babydaddy. For now, I have to push myself to be that annoying girlfriend I once was again.

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I am possessive beyond belief and I get crazy-jealous. As in CUHRAYZEE-jealous. I forgot how severe these…diseases are and they're taking too much work on my boyfriend's end. Yes, this early.

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Despite all this, though, I am quite lucky to have a guy who's patience, understanding, and love know no boundaries. I know he's got limits (contradicting nanaman. That's the reason why I was dubbed "walking contradiction" by a college friend) and I'm not stupid enough to push them and that is why I will try to become a better partner for him.

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Blah blah blah, those words don't mean anything, I know, but I'm having a hard time showing how I'm feeling. Thanks to 7 years of practice with College Guy.

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(Hahahahahahaha! Sinisi lahat sa lalaki.)

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Relationship also suffering from missing each other so much. What is clingy?

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I want to move out. Seriously. Ironically, the want peaked at the height of the storm yesterday. I want to know how I'll react to something like that whilst caring for a hyperactive kid. (Whilst talaga?)

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For some reason, my mind goes back to that one day in September last year. I wonder why.

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I definitely need to stop smoking. I have every reason to but I don't believe I have the discipline to actually do it but I will do it…after this last cigarette pack I have with me now.

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I'm thinking of getting an actual office job but all the jobs I want requires me to relocate to the South. Great for me but I guess I have to wait for Brianna to finish this academic year before I move although I really, really, really want it to happen now.

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I should update my iPod playlist now but it's too tedious a task, I'm getting lazy just by thinking about it.

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First of all, there's no sea anywhere near Cainta. Second, I don't want to live there. Yun lang naman apila ko dito. Hahahahaha!

You see, I'm running out of things to do online so I've been taking all kinds of tests posted on my Facebook timeline…even those with jeje graphics.

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I want to do and be a lot of things lately and my save-up-for-the-future deadline is coming in full speed which explains the anxiety I've been having these past few days.

No Regrets.

I do not regret one moment of my life.

- Lillie Langtry

I've been through a lot. A LOT.

Okay, I might be exaggerating because I haven't been stabbed nor do I have parents who went their separate ways but I can honestly say I've been through a lot and you just have to take my word for it. There are things that are obvious to the naked eye and there are things that you have to dig a little deeper to uncover. Some are embarrassing and some are just downright put*ng*na-hindi-nga? depressing.

Based on what I've already said, you would think that I regret a lot of things that has happened to me but - and in no way is this bull - I don't regret anything. At all. Yes, I got mad. I cried. And thankfully, I stopped caring. But I never regretted anything even when I was younger. I didn't understand it at first. I thought I was just really that gullible to have genuinely forgiven someone who did bad, bad, bad things to me but as I grew older, I've realized how it's because at some point, I've wanted it to happen. That, and I wouldn't have been the person I am now if I hadn't gone through all those things. Cliche, I know, but like Marshall Eriksen told the gang, "It's not a cliche; it's a classic!"

Those are the very same reasons why I haven't talked crap about those people who offended me in the past. They helped me become the person I am now so there's no point in getting all riled-up whenever I remember them, too. Of course, that's not the same as telling the truth 'cause whenever people ask me about them, I tell them the truth which makes them look bad but that's not my problem anymore.

I forgive people easily because of all that; up to the point where I become all chummy-chummy with (some of) them again. Yes, I got abused because of that but throughout the years, I've learned to determine when to stop. Once I came to the point where I actually stop, though, I instantly cut that person out of my life cause I won't go through all that all over again. I'm not that stupid.

A lot of times, I wish I can share this skill? (cause it definitely needs to be practiced) with some people. I honestly believe it will improve a lot of relationships and strengthen a lot of hearts. I'm not saying that I am the master of all this. I just think it's easier to live a life where you don't have any negative energies in your system and forgiving, accepting, and not regretting will remove a whole lot of them from your body and I want to share that easy life with people.

(I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense because no matter how hard I try, I still can't express myself in writing…which is ironic 'cause I write for a living.)

Mercury Retrograde

I am not really a believer of astrology but what's been happening to me and work these past few days led me to read about Mercury Retrograde.

I first heard of this term from Jill when I met up with her and Malia a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, whenever Mercury "stops" and starts "moving backwards", it affects the human race. This - according to what I've read - is the time of the year when almost everything seems to be crumbling down and the past rises up from the dead. This is also the best time to contemplate and put things into perspective.

Although I still don't believe it wholeheartedly (or understand it enough to actually consider believing it), something about it appealed to me:

Screen capture from http://astrology.about.com/od/advancedastrology/p/MercuryRetro.htm.

Which, if you think about it, happens outside of Mercury Retrograde so that really isn't just for this phenomenon but I guess it's safer to just kick this part here to high gear whenever Mercury decides to go Michael Jackson on us (the moonwalk dance. Get it? No? Never mind…)

Suffice to say, the weekend has been pretty cruel to me, in terms of work and I don't want to talk about it at all. I know I'm not the only person "affected" by this phenomenon and even if I'm not in the best of moods, I will tell us all this one thing: ON TO THE NEXT! (Probably not within the time Mercury recedes 'cause that might affect something…)

(For someone who doesn't believe in astronomy, I am too obedient on their do's and don'ts…)

(Maybe that's because I'm universe girl and the planets are part of the universe.)

(Or maybe deep down I kinda sorta believe it even if I don't understand it fully.)

It's been a long, long while.

A lot has been happening these past few weeks/months but I haven't bombarded this place with the nonsense in my head. I don't know why, actually. Probably because I'm having way too much fun with everything, despite the fact that some of the things that's happened actually tore me into pieces. I don't know, maybe I've finally learned to see the good in it even though it hurts.

So what has happened these past few weeks/months? Let's see…

• I've FINALLY been to Boracay.
• And I actually went snorkeling!
• And banana boat-ing!
• Although I didn't get a tan.
• But the Boracay sunset…ohmygod, it really is as pretty as everyone says it is.
• I went hotel-hopping. Mind you, these are not cheap ass hotels you find along Malate or something.
• I've managed to "dump" all the people that I don't want and need in my life, including the people related to them.
• I had a major falling out with my dad.
• But we're okay now. I think.
• I got a full-time online job.
• Brianna started and ended her summer class with flying colors.
• My friends now know how crazy I get when I'm in a relationship.
• I'm in a relationship.
• But not without a falling out that almost led to a "break-up" even if we weren't really together yet that time.
• Brianna celebrated her 3rd baptismal anniversary.
• My laptop died on me in the middle of a hectic week at work.
• Which led me to get a Mac. Which seems to be eating me up alive with every simple command that I can't figure out without the help of my brother or the Internet.
• I've started reading books again.
• I'm actually planning to buy a car.
• And to get life insurance. As in legit planning, with quotations and loans and stuff.
• I've achieved my weight goal and I'm actually maintaining it.
• I've enrolled Brianna for this coming school year.
• I hung out in a Starbucks branch all by myself after a really, really, REALLY long time. I think the last time I did that was in college. It was so refreshing, I want to do it regularly.
• I got a new pair of glasses that makes me look like a hipster, according to a friend.
• I failed to finish the #100HappyDays project which bummed me out…but not quite.
• A lot of items on my wish list/bucket list have been ticked off, thanks to my wonderful new boyfriend who just keeps on granting everything on my lists. I'm not going to elaborate on what the items are/were but he's been doing that since we first saw each other again last September and I can't stop thanking him for it. I mean, it takes a lot of effort (and money) to get some of the things done (of course, a lot of them are easy and free) but I never heard him complain.
• I might have found the perfect dress for my friend's wedding this November.
• Brianna told me that I'm "very awesome", which is probably the best entry here.
• Which I tweeted. I don't tweet as much, too, so there goes constantly documenting my life online.
• Also stopped reading my Twitter timeline/browsing through my Instagram feed 509375894072101948578461807492 times a day. It's oddly refreshing.

I guess that's everything. I don't know how to get everything out and I am not doing one post for each item so I made a list. It's not chronologically arranged or something. I just wanted to take note of how exhausting but at the same time, exhilarating the past few weeks/months have been for me. The short-term memory loss that general anesthesia has given me will probably wipe my memory clean by the end of the first half of the year, might as well document what I remember now.

I am quite thankful for how everything is turning out. Despite the many, many, many disappointments, I feel that everything is falling into place. How can I not be grateful, right?

My overly-emotional mind needs answers!

• Can he be more inconsistent?
• Why are you doing all of these now that there's nothing to do them for anymore?
• Do I still know how to kiss?
• Why doesn't he like me - like me?
• Do I still know how to...well...you know...?
• Why am I thinking of giving him, well, that thing guys like that girls hate doing?
• Can you just stop bugging me?
• Do I really need more friends?
• How should I tell my folks about the break-up?
• Why can't he just let it go? Him, too?
• Will he ever move on from her?
• Is there a chance in the high heavens for him and me to happen?
• Am I really just setting myself up for disappointment?
• Am I really not ready for anything or am I just preventing for a major heartbreak to happen?

I don't know if it's a wise idea or not...

I posted this photo in Instagram a few days ago:

I've been reading and re-reading that comment by @inigojohan and now that I think about it, it wasn't such a great idea posting - regramming - this photo in my feed. Why? Well, that @inigojohan user is the babydaddy's sister. Of course, her name isn't Inigo Johan; that's her son's name and I completely forgot that she's following me in Instagram.

Anyway, I don't honestly get those two black thingamabob at the end of her message. Partly the reason why I don't know if she's kidding or if she's serious and whether or not she's mad about it. I mean, I did get mad at one of my brother's exes when she posted on her blog that what my brother gave her was a sale item in Mango (Hello naman kasi, highschool lang kapatid ko nun. Walang mapagkukunan ng malaking pera. Palibhasa kasi siya mayaman -- See? I'm still not over it!).

I was kinda asking for it, though. I mean, I could've taken the photo down when she commented on it but instead, I replied a vague "Hahaha! :)) Di ko alam sasabihin..." I don't care if she told him, anyway. I wouldn't have done that 5 years ago. My, have I grown...

Labels.

Labels have always been important to me. They're there to put people where they need to be and they're there to ensure peace among people involved in a certain situation. It doesn't matter if the label's the other man or woman; it should be clear to everyone so expectations can be reduced and actions (and reactions) can be limited.

I am now in a position where I don't know what my label is, romantic (or lack thereof) relationship-wise. I was girlfriend-fiance-girlfriend-babymommy, if there's such a term-Idon'tknowanymore in a matter of 3 years and the Idon'tknowanymore label is killing me. I don't know if I am still in a committed relationship because we do not talk at all anymore. It might be my fault because I stopped trying but you can't blame me for reaching the limit of my patience...especially for a guy who is as stubborn as the babydaddy.

Anyway, I would really want to know what we are now. It's not that I am itching to go out on a date with another guy (although there are days that I'm this close to asking someone out); it's more of wanting peace of mind. I want to know if I should be expecting anything or if I should be doing something to salvage the relationship if it's still worth saving. Here's the problem, though: I don't want to ask him because when I do, he's going to make me feel like either I'm stupid for asking a question with an obvious answer or that I'm selfish for not taking his feelings into consideration. Yes, whenever we talk, it's always lose-lose for me.

See? This is why I just went "Sorry, bruh" when I ended my previous relationships. It's easier that way. With the babydaddy, though, it's a different ballgame and I don't know how to play it.

Note: I'm sorry for the HIMYM reference yet again and I'm sorry for all the (additional) thoughts in parentheses.

Holding down my spot and I'm good.

So, I know I've been a pain in the positive thinker's ass these past few days especially last February 13 when I decided to go on a depression spree and I want to apologize for that. I mean, I want to believe that it's somewhat healthy to give yourself the reality check you so desperately need and a (yearly?) dose of self-pity is inevitable with reality check, if you ask me.

Anyway, I want to believe that I'm doing much better now. I don't know. I just woke up this morning thinking that I really needed to get out of the rut I am in and all of a sudden, I did. I think it's just the Valentine's season that got me all riled up. Now that it's all over with, I think I can start doing the things I've been doing before again...

Side note: This post's title is inspired by this song, which by the way is perfect for me right now.

That guilty feeling...

I always, always get this guilty feeling whenever I see Facebook photos/conversations of Bry's friends' wives. Looks like they go on weekly dates with each other, probably to catch up and exchange mommy tips.  They seem to be having loads of fun except I don't seem to want to be a part of it. Not that I don't want to share to anyone how my relationship with Brianna is because I will totally bore the wits out of those who will be willing to listen... I just don't see myself actually bonding with them and that makes me guilty... Well, to be perfectly honest, I just feel the guilt when I see Facebook/Instagram photos or when I see them all together.

Is that weird? I mean, I am practically his wife but I don't seem to want to hangout with that particular set of friends of his. Not that I have anything against them; we are actually 'friendly'...they just are friendlier with one another.

(If I was [still] a clingy girlfriend, I would've tried so hard to "belong", though...)

Bullying

DISCLAIMER: This post will not make sense as a whole. The paragraphs are not related to one another. I will try to make it as cohesive as possible but I'm pretty sure it won't end up that way.

I am thinking if bullying is something that you cannot stop from happening. I mean, based on the stories I've read and heard, it's always, always the fault of the bully and not the person who's being bullied.

What exactly about bullying am I thinking about? Well, I was wondering what if the person who is being bullied doesn't have a low self esteem and is actually secure of who or how s/he is, wouldn't that eliminate bullying entirely? I think that the problem with most people is we tend to want to please everyone else and if we didn't fit a certain standard, we feel bad about ourselves and if people pointed that out, we feel that they are ganging up on us resulting to "bullying".

I was "bullied" once back in senior year high school. This big barkada in our class decided to pick on me, a lowly normie who wasn't much of a talker. They probably thought I wouldn't fight back considering I really didn't have a solid set of friends in high school and I don't talk unless you asked me something. I was what you call a loner. Anyway, I told them how insecure they were for letting some loner like me threaten them, let it go and decided to not let it affect me. Mostly because I didn't want to come off as palengkera like most of those people who bullied me.

I'm not saying I've figured everything out at 16 years old nor am I saying that I can control my emotions then but I've never thought of ending my life or become a delinquent or be all emo borderline suicidal all the freakin' time just because another person said something bad about me to my face. If anything, that's a great source of feedback of how people look at me and for me, that's always a good thing because if I want to change something about myself, I have a starting point.

I don't know what the point of this post is or what I actually want to say. I just want to put it out there.