Day 20. #100HappyDaysV2.0

Yes, I am actually thankful for Brianna's ID. I We were waiting for this for the longest time and today, they've finally distributed the IDs.

(What have I become? A mere piece of plastic excites the crap out of me…)

Break.

I'm sure you've had one of those days when you wished you could grab an overnight bag and a few loose change, get on a bus and go to wherever that bus takes you. Today's that day for me. Dealing with the whole full-time work-from-home, single full-time mom situation does that to me a few times a year.

No, I don't intend to leave my daughter without a mom for the rest of her life. I just think it'll be nice to go on a trip for at least 3 days on my own (okay, maybe with the boyfriend or a few friends) to recharge. I feel like my reserve battery's on 2% and I might just shutdown any time now.

#burnout

Supermommy Memory Please!

I was never a memorization kind of student and obviously, I carried that skill - or lack thereof - over to when I graduated. It became worse when I had my daughter. Why? She was delivered through C-section and as most moms and moms-to-be know, memories of CS mommies deteriorate further after the operation. Anyway, once, I just wanted to reheat food from the fridge, I totally forgot about it and burned the food.

I had to resort to different methods to help me remember things:

Although there are more software, applications, and instruments to help me, it sometimes feels like I still need MORE to help me boost my memory. Usually, taking a (KitKat) break does the job for me. Clearing my head reminds me of the things that I need to do and rids my mind of the nonsense that I usually store in my head. So if I were to unlock a special skill, it's definitely the "never forget any detail" skill.

I love details; they remind me to be thankful despite whatever frustration a big situation brings me. Plus, if you remember to do the small things, you will never screw up the output. I believe that those apply to something as big as relationships to menial things such as art projects.

Getting this skill will make me the Supermommy I've always wanted to be. It's especially important now that I'm a stay-at-home mom/yaya and since I've recently landed that full-time, work-from-home job.

Okay, now I need that KitKat break. Reminding myself that I'm a full-time mom AND employee wore me out.

It's been a long, long while.

A lot has been happening these past few weeks/months but I haven't bombarded this place with the nonsense in my head. I don't know why, actually. Probably because I'm having way too much fun with everything, despite the fact that some of the things that's happened actually tore me into pieces. I don't know, maybe I've finally learned to see the good in it even though it hurts.

So what has happened these past few weeks/months? Let's see…

• I've FINALLY been to Boracay.
• And I actually went snorkeling!
• And banana boat-ing!
• Although I didn't get a tan.
• But the Boracay sunset…ohmygod, it really is as pretty as everyone says it is.
• I went hotel-hopping. Mind you, these are not cheap ass hotels you find along Malate or something.
• I've managed to "dump" all the people that I don't want and need in my life, including the people related to them.
• I had a major falling out with my dad.
• But we're okay now. I think.
• I got a full-time online job.
• Brianna started and ended her summer class with flying colors.
• My friends now know how crazy I get when I'm in a relationship.
• I'm in a relationship.
• But not without a falling out that almost led to a "break-up" even if we weren't really together yet that time.
• Brianna celebrated her 3rd baptismal anniversary.
• My laptop died on me in the middle of a hectic week at work.
• Which led me to get a Mac. Which seems to be eating me up alive with every simple command that I can't figure out without the help of my brother or the Internet.
• I've started reading books again.
• I'm actually planning to buy a car.
• And to get life insurance. As in legit planning, with quotations and loans and stuff.
• I've achieved my weight goal and I'm actually maintaining it.
• I've enrolled Brianna for this coming school year.
• I hung out in a Starbucks branch all by myself after a really, really, REALLY long time. I think the last time I did that was in college. It was so refreshing, I want to do it regularly.
• I got a new pair of glasses that makes me look like a hipster, according to a friend.
• I failed to finish the #100HappyDays project which bummed me out…but not quite.
• A lot of items on my wish list/bucket list have been ticked off, thanks to my wonderful new boyfriend who just keeps on granting everything on my lists. I'm not going to elaborate on what the items are/were but he's been doing that since we first saw each other again last September and I can't stop thanking him for it. I mean, it takes a lot of effort (and money) to get some of the things done (of course, a lot of them are easy and free) but I never heard him complain.
• I might have found the perfect dress for my friend's wedding this November.
• Brianna told me that I'm "very awesome", which is probably the best entry here.
• Which I tweeted. I don't tweet as much, too, so there goes constantly documenting my life online.
• Also stopped reading my Twitter timeline/browsing through my Instagram feed 509375894072101948578461807492 times a day. It's oddly refreshing.

I guess that's everything. I don't know how to get everything out and I am not doing one post for each item so I made a list. It's not chronologically arranged or something. I just wanted to take note of how exhausting but at the same time, exhilarating the past few weeks/months have been for me. The short-term memory loss that general anesthesia has given me will probably wipe my memory clean by the end of the first half of the year, might as well document what I remember now.

I am quite thankful for how everything is turning out. Despite the many, many, many disappointments, I feel that everything is falling into place. How can I not be grateful, right?

My definition of success.

A lot of people's definition of success is either having a lot of money in the bank or being a top executive in some corporate office or travelling one country after the other but I realized that is not the case for me.

Being a faithful wife and a loving mother have always been my definitions of success. I don't need to swim in money or boss people around just so I can feel that I am successful. Yes, I understand that we all need money in this day and age and I will be a hypocrite if I say that it doesn't bother me at all that I am struggling with my finances but at the same time, you cannot totally convince me that a rich person who lives in a mansion, driving a sports car is successful.

It might come off as old school to a lot of people, my definition of success, especially to those "independent women" Ne-Yo's been singing about but at the end of the day, those are the things that are important to me. Not a fancy house or tea parties with the queen but I will be grateful if I will be blessed with material wealth because I admit, I want to live a comfortable life with my husband when we get old and I want my children to experience that kind of life too. Hihi. I just believe in a different kind of success and would want that to be reflected with the way I live my life.

Universe-d.

Today's Post Secrets update... I. Just. Can't.

Something huge.

For the past few days, I've been thinking of this huge thing a lot. It's something that I've been wanting to do since I graduated from high school. It might not be that big for some people but I've wanted this for the longest time and I know it is worth the risk; I just don't know if I actually am ready for it. Okay, I am mostly ready for it except for this one aspect of my life that's been rather elusive: The financial aspect. Everything else, I don't have a problem with.

Actually, and I've been telling this to a lot of people, the financial aspect is easy. What's hard - at least for me - is actually telling the important people in my life about it. I know it is ultimately my decision so whether or not they're on board, they can't do anything about it but there's a part of me who wants everything to be alright when I let them know. Yung wala bang samaan ng loob.

Look, for some people, this might not be that big a deal but if you know how everyone around me thinks of my capabilities, you'd understand. That's the same reason why I'm struggling with a lot of things, especially when it comes to what I know is best for both me and my daughter.

I'm not expecting for them to support it, knowing how they think so lowly of me that I'm still a child. I just want them to respect the decision. MY decision.

(No, not necessarily doing it right after posting this but I want to do it hopefully this year.)

(No, I'm not getting married...yet! :p)

Ooh, and PS. I think the Universe agrees with me...and actually want me to get down to it ASAP.

From the PSI Newsletter, posted on my Instagram account

From the Marc and Angel Hack Life website, posted on my Twitter account

Vision Board-ing

While the whole of Metro Manila panics because of water rising, I was making my vision board. Call me selfish but I don't think panicking will actually help the water to subside so I might as well do something 'productive' with my time online.

Presenting, my (updated) vision board:

Used vision board-making site, http://www.oprah.com/packages/o-dream-board.html.

Doubt.

I know I've been pretty confident with my decision to live the single life after a very long time and with a toddler in tow but there are times - like now - when I doubt myself. It's not because I am regretting the last relationship I was in because, really, that relationship was one huge trainwreck I was so lucky to survive. No, the doubt stems from the idea of Brianna growing up with just me. There's nothing really wrong with that if you think about it but growing up with a complete set of parents, I feel I'm depriving her of...something. Like, I can try everything to be a "complete set" but at the end of the day, I won't be able to give her everything that she needs.

BUT - and a big but, at that! - I'd rather try to get her to understand why I needed to make that decision than have her experience it. Yes, her dad might be exerting some kind of effort now but I definitely am not falling for it the way everyone at our house seems to be falling for it. I've been there: the gifts, the sweet words, the "attention"... and then nothing at all. Add that to all the hurtful words and accusations that made me feel like I was a worthless piece of dog poo... No freakin' way, man. You're gonna have to kill me first before you can get my daughter to experience that kind of pain; and from a person who's supposed to be taking care of her, no less. No, thanks.







Now, that's really therapeutic (for a lack of a better term). I don't doubt myself anymore. Cool.

That's the dream!

Growing up in the South led me to dream this dream: To be an Alabang wife/mom.

I've always imagined living in the South. Yes, even though the babydaddy knocked me up and was practically forcing me to live way up North, I was still fantasizing of kissing my scruffy husband goodbye as he hurries off to work, taking my 2 kids to DLSZ/San Beda Alabang early in the morning, going home to an awesome house near Alabang Town Center and just lounge at the terrace while watching my neighbors' household help walk their dogs or water their plants. There's something about the South that has stuck with me and now, more than ever, I can't seem to shake it off. I have a feeling that this dream finally has the chance to come true. Not that I've finally found my dream scruffy South guy; - technically, I did but he doesn't like me like that - it's more of I've let go of the lie I've been telling myself that I can totally settle actually growing old somewhere North of Metro Manila...that I can settle with less than what I want (and deserve, if I may say so myself).

I won't be disappointing my 10-year-old self, after all... Maybe...

Condo living...

I have shared my desire to buy my own condo unit a couple of years from now despite the hardships I am currently having financially. This doesn't stop me from wanting to achieve my dream condominium unit, which I think I've finally found:

From the Avida Land Facebook page

I know that loft units cost so much more than regular one-bedroom or two-bedroom units but I've always dreamt of living in a loft. I even want a house with a loft.

Anyway, I originally wanted a unit from a much cheaper developer since, as I've mentioned, I don't really have the most rewarding (financially-wise) job in the world but when I thought about it, if I were to build a home for both Brianna and me, it has got to be with one of the best. So Ayala - Avida it is!

Elmo's definitely got the moves.

Having a kid has a lot of perks and it includes finding funky children's songs like this one:

I play this at least twice a day, and yes, even without Brianna. I even sing-along to it. Sorry I'm not sorry.

This song reminds me of T-Pain, though, I don't know why...

Work-from-home moms, I need help.

People who work from home know all the perks: no need to wake up early/specific time to get ready and catch the shuttle/avoid the morning/after work traffic, free food, comfortable workplace, etc. It's the ideal work situation, really, because if you land the perfect job, you can earn up to Php80,000 per month. So, what is it am I complaining about?

Well, I'm not really complaining. It's more of acknowledging the problem? (Palusot) Anyway, it's about how I work full-time but at the same time, I need to fulfill my duties as a full-time, breastfeeding mom. I have a beautiful 2-year old daughter who I love dearly but cannot wean from feeding from me. It's my fault, after all. I wanted to feed her exclusively during her first year and didn't teach her after her 1st birthday. Anyway, that's not the problem.

The problem is I get burnt out probably from breastfeeding her and guiding her through her terrible two's and this insane heat the country's going through. Add the personal problems I have been pondering on for a couple of months now and you've got Monster Mom. I don't know how to contain my anger and I sometimes yell at her when she does something wrong. I know I'm making some moms and early childhood specialists cringe with my reactions but when I'm filled to brim, I get so carried away by the stress that I cannot stop myself from yelling.

I do go out every once in a while to grab a few drinks and catch up with friends but that doesn't seem to help. I mean, it does for a day or two but after that, I go back to my grumpy mommy self. Work-from-home moms, I need your suggestions. How do you guys make it work? 'Cause I really want to live up to the title "work-from-home supermom" I bestowed upon myself.

Updating my playlist

Being a full-time mom does weird things to your playlist like having these four songs added into it while you play them (supposedly) for your daughter non-stop for a month:

 

I guess it's obvious why I like this song. It's all about love. It's the closest thing that the Hi5 gang has to a love song. Actually, I just checked the lyrics here and it is indeed a love song. It's simple but it's a really sweet song.

 

Wow! is about doing things that you think you cannot do. It's empowering. It's telling us to do whatever we want and be whatever we want to be because we were all born amazing.

 

Some Kind of Wonderful is yet another love song in this children's songs line-up. I love how whoever this song is written for is everything to the person who wrote it. It's the perfect pop love song.

This last song became a part of the playlist not because of the lyrics but because of the music. I love how the song would (probably) fit in a (really cheesy) club playlist.

I hope I'm not the only one with weird children's songs in my playlist... Well, actually, I take that back. I really like these songs (plus Tim Maddren is in all the videos so...)

Moms, too, are legends (like Raybans)!

While browsing through my favorite bloggers' sites, I came upon this post by Lissa Kahayon that got me thinking - after PSI, that is - about how I will be able to become a legend if I ever actually become a legend.

Right this very moment of my life, I still don't know what I'll contribute to the world that will make a mark in everyone's heart. I don't even know if I can do that within my lifetime but there's one thing I am sure of: I will be legen - wait for it! - dary (I just had to! For the love of HIMYM...) for this person:

Almost everything that I've been doing since this cutie patootie came to my life, I do for myself, of course, but I do them for her, too. I believe that I am giving her the best of everything that's within my capacity and capabilities. It's not much that I need to do them, it's more of I cannot imagine not doing them. Does that make sense?

Being a single mom can be quite challenging, especially here in the Philippines. I know that we've gone a long, long way from, say, 10 years ago when it comes to our acceptance with regards to these kinds of things but we can't help some other people's opinions that seem to have been dated 50 years ago. To be perfectly honest, though, even with all the eyes watching my every move, judging my decisions, I don't feel the need to prove anything to anybody. As long as I am not doing anything wrong and I am not imposing my beliefs to anybody, I'm good.

I know for a fact that I have a long, long way to go and a lot of lessons to learn about motherhood and I am not complaining one bit. I'm ready to take on that journey to legendary-ness (I love inventing words, okay?) for my mini me. I'm armed with the old school Rayban aviators over my eyes - that are focused on the bright prize that is being a legendary mom - and a couple packs of baby wipes to clean up the mess that I will inevitably make on my way there. Yes, I definitely am ready.

Being a mom is hard...

...but it feels so good to know this:

Needed help. Got help.

(This is yet another reason for me to believe in the Law of Attraction.)

I needed help with the twins. Actually, I've been needing help with them since I got pregnant. My mom couldn't help me with them primarily because she's not a professional that could actually give me the greatest advice when it came to my milkmakers. My trip to Wacoal not only gave me much-needed help, they also gave me tips on how to actually wear a bra.

Michelle from Wacoal was kind enough to help me with picking the right bras and with getting my bust measurements. Yes, I am the only person I know who didn't know her bust size until yesterday morning. Surprisingly, I was a B-80. Surprising (for me) because it was the first time I've heard of 80 when it came to intimates.

I got 3 lovely pairs that are basic enough for me to wear on a daily basis. The black one is the one I will most likely harass until its dying day because it is the type of bra that I usually buy. I wanted to try to wear the beige one. It wasn't a popular choice for me but I believed Michelle when she said that it was gonna last me a lifetime. I mean, just by looking at it, you'd know that it's made to accompany you throughout the years. How cheesy is that? The lacy one is for more *ehem* special occasions, if you know what I mean. *wink*

I felt the difference between Wacoal and other brands right away when I fit their bras. For years, I've been struggling with all aspects of my bras: The fit, the way it feels while I am wearing it and how it looks. With Wacoal, all three got 5 stars! It was so comfortable and it didn't feel hot at all, considering I came from a walk down Ayala Ave. under the scorching heat of the sun at 11am to get to their office in 6788. I also loved the way I looked when I was staring at the mirror while fitting them (sorry, TMI, I know). I kinda looked like the girls on their catalogue except I am fat and I have lovehandles.

I was also taught how to actually wear a bra. I thought all along that I knew how because, well, I've been wearing them for 10 years or so. Apparently, once you've worn the bra, you take a bow (I can't think of a better way to describe that, I'm so sorry) and then cup the sides of your breasts and then pull them towards the center. That's the right way to wear a bra. I've been schooled.

Thanks, Wacoal, for all of the things I've mentioned and for finally giving me the comfort I've been looking for since puberty.

Anyway, here are some of their products that you might want to check out:

To those who wanted to know Wacoal Philippines not only have a wide range of bras, they also have a great line of panties both seamless and otherwise, girdles, bra pads and shape vests and everything that has something to do with women's intimates. For a complete list of their products, you can check out their online catalogue. There are underwear for women of all ages and sizes.

For a complete and accurate list of their store locations, information about their advocacy against breast cancer and details on how to become a direct seller, you can visit their website at http://www.wacoal.ph.

Make it work!

The story between me and my babydaddy is indeed a very colorful one but it isn't even halfway through because we are not yet married nor are we living in the same house. As much as I want to live in with him, he has strong Catholic values that won't mesh well with my rather liberal thinking. It doesn't mean, though, that I don't want to marry him because I do. There are just a lot of complications. This doesn't make any difference, though. We love each other and we are making the relationship work.

One of the weirdest things about our set-up is even though we both live in Metro Manila, it doesn't feel like it. He lives in Quezon City while I live in Pasig. Not much of a distance, you say? Well, not really. First and foremost, he lives in the farthest point of QC while I live in the Pasig-Cainta borderline.We both don't know how to drive, either. I think that it is a given that either of us don't have cars as well. We could commute to be with each other, yes, but our income can't quite cover it. He's a freelancer and I am a work-at-home mom and all of our money goes to our one-year-old bundle of joy and each other's needs. We do see each other once a week, though.

For me, the reason why this setup of ours is working is because of three things: love, trust and faith. Let me break it down for you:

1. Love - Love, I think, is a given. If you are in a relationship with someone it means that love is part of the equation. It doesn't matter what type of love it is or what the love is for. Love is there. In our part, the love that we have for each other and the love we have for Brianna are what keep us together. Here's the key, if I may say so: The love we have for each other is not the lovey dovey type of love that you usually see on TV. We barely see each other and we rarely text or talk to one another but I believe that these are the things that set us apart from other couples. How? When those lovey dovey couples get married, they will have a hard time adjusting to the fact that they cannot do it on a daily basis and they will end up feeling empty. With us, we will never feel empty. Why? Because we've established "mature" love in the beginning, so to speak.
2. Trust - No relationship will ever work without trust. Ever. A father-daughter relationship will not be fruitful without trust. An employer-employee relationship will fail without trust. It is the foundation of any relationship. My babydaddy rarely knows where I am or who I am with but he trusts me enough to let me do my thing. Same is true with me. Of course, we are not perfect. The occasional "Baka kung sino nanaman ang kasama mo jan at kung anong ginagawa niyo jan ah" comes up, yes, but we make it a point to resolve it right away. People say that it's hard to trust people nowadays. True. But if you love that person enough, giving it to him will not be hard work at all. It will come naturally.
3. Faith - Faith is the trickiest among the three. Faith, in Filipino, is pananalig. It is the hardest to give and  it is the hardest to maintain. Faith to my partner and to our relationship has been the two things that I am holding on to. I believe in us, I have faith in us and same is true with him and that is the reason why this relationship is working. We don't listen to the negative thinkers and to those who have lost all hope in humanity and focus on our relationship. That's the way it should be, anyway.

Sacrificing a whole lot of things, like my pride and the fact that I am a clingy girlfriend, made everything really smooth-flowing for the both of us. I guess acceptance was there in the first place but in order to stop hurting each other and ourselves, we stopped our annoying habits and our selfish personalities to give way to a stronger relationship and a deeper love between us.

I know a lot of people don't believe in our relationship. Ironically, these are married people who don't seem to believe in the power of love; which confuses me but that's an entirely different blog entry.

I may come off as idealistic and childish to some but I would love to believe that I am being positive and child-like in my approach to life and to our situation. There's nothing wrong with it, if you ask me. If anything, we need a more people with the same approach to life in this world and then we might just be able to make the world a better place to live in.

If you don't believe me, you can just watch these couples as they battle the miles between them and succeed.

Tide with Downy Bangong Padala video entitled “Pag-ibig na Pangmatagalan"

Changed your mind yet?

Click here to support my campaign for Tide:

http://ph.churpchurp.com/aletotski/share/TidewithDowny

Me Time.

Ever since Brianna came to my life, I've changed a couple of the routines that I do on a day-to-day basis. The one that has probably changed a lot since the baby came is "Me Time" and I am sure that all of us will agree on this one.

Me Time has not only been changed but I also had to reduce it because I now need more sleep than I needed before. Anyway, Me Time consist of the following now:

• Updating offline and online resumes (JobsDB, Jobstreet, oDesk)
• Downloading and watching TV series (currently watching the whole As Told By Ginger series)
• Reading tweets (I should really stop doing this...)
• Cleaning the bedroom
• Fixing the closet
• Running errands
• Online shopping

A friend of mine told me that I should be taking a break every once in a while. Visit the salon, have a coffee or any other activity that requires me to leave the house but I get all guilty even just by thinking about it.

Is anyone else having the same problem as I do or is there anyone who have experienced it before? How are you handling it? How did you handle it?

Mommy Boobs.

I was never really proud of my boobs in the past. If anything, I think that they're the reason why I've had poor posture for the better part of my high school years. Come college, I realized how gifted I was and I've become confident and I have learned to flaunt what I've got without attracting negative attention to my "babies".

But now that I am a mom - a BREASTFEEDING mom at that - I am having a hard time, once again, with how my boobs look like. If you want to know how they look, well, that's kind of weird but here's a photo:

I want for them to look perky again but at the same time, not attract unwanted attention. It will also be great if the bras are comfortable enough for a nursing mom to wear, easy enough for me to access when I need to feed my baby and fashionable enough for me to wear them under whatever clothes I choose to wear, daytime or night time.

Another thing: if there's such a bra that helps you with your posture, that is going to be great, too. I mean, look at me. I seem to have gone back to my high school self-esteem with the way I stand. I am not, in any way, conscious about how "bigger" and saggier they've become. It's just that they became too "heavy" for my poor back to handle.

Wacoal has great kinds of bras that I can choose from and when I browsed through their website, I've seen some that fit all the requirements I want my bras to have.

This particular bra will most probably give the support my breasts need. Plus points for it being a sports bra because it will be able to help me perfectly with my goal for this year.

A maternity bra is still part of my wishlist because it seems that I still haven't found the perfect pair since I've given birth. I love this particular maternity bra because of its youthful design and it will provide great support to a breastfeeding mom.

All in all, I am really happy with how things turned out but I would love to be proactive with the things that I choose to change and I know that Wacoal will be able to help me with this small dilemma I have when it comes to underwear. For more information about their products, you can visit their website at http://www.wacoal.ph.