Something huge.

For the past few days, I've been thinking of this huge thing a lot. It's something that I've been wanting to do since I graduated from high school. It might not be that big for some people but I've wanted this for the longest time and I know it is worth the risk; I just don't know if I actually am ready for it. Okay, I am mostly ready for it except for this one aspect of my life that's been rather elusive: The financial aspect. Everything else, I don't have a problem with.

Actually, and I've been telling this to a lot of people, the financial aspect is easy. What's hard - at least for me - is actually telling the important people in my life about it. I know it is ultimately my decision so whether or not they're on board, they can't do anything about it but there's a part of me who wants everything to be alright when I let them know. Yung wala bang samaan ng loob.

Look, for some people, this might not be that big a deal but if you know how everyone around me thinks of my capabilities, you'd understand. That's the same reason why I'm struggling with a lot of things, especially when it comes to what I know is best for both me and my daughter.

I'm not expecting for them to support it, knowing how they think so lowly of me that I'm still a child. I just want them to respect the decision. MY decision.

(No, not necessarily doing it right after posting this but I want to do it hopefully this year.)

(No, I'm not getting married...yet! :p)

Ooh, and PS. I think the Universe agrees with me...and actually want me to get down to it ASAP.

From the PSI Newsletter, posted on my Instagram account

From the Marc and Angel Hack Life website, posted on my Twitter account

It's depressing how accurate this is.

The only thing I am holding on to right now is the fact that I once want us and our little family to happen.

It's hard being sick.

Before, being sick meant staying in at home and not waking up early in the morning to go to school or work, being able to boss people around because you're "too weak to do anything" and having all the chocolates you want. Never mind that your head hurts and you can barely move, you're just too happy to be home and not somewhere you don't want to be in.

Today, I realized that everything has changed for me.

First and foremost, I have been staying at home since October 2010 that it gets pretty boring here at home. Yes, I have all the TV and the internet I could take but it gets tiring watching the same shows over and over again. I know I will regret this but I honestly want to work again just to mingle with other people and visit other places (Okay, regret over this depends on what job I land). And I honest-to-goodness miss being productive.

Next, since I went to the PSI seminar last November, I started to dislike having people do what I can do for me. I used to boss people around, making them do what I should be doing and I enjoy doing it. But after that seminar, I learned that to accomplish what I need - and want - to be accomplished in the way I wanted it to be, I should be taking control. That's why now, I want to do everything. I feel so weak having to let people do things for me. Feels like I am not taking control of my life.

Chocolates now have become an obsession of mine. I used to want salty food more than sweet food but during my pregnancy, I shared this tight bond with sweet things - especially chocolates - and now, even if Brianna's here already, I still am in an affair with anything sweet. With that said, chocolates are not part of the positive side of being sick anymore.

Lastly and most importantly, I don't get to hold my baby. I know this sounds so mother-like but I realized only now how strong that bond between mother and kids is. I wanted to comfort her and hold her in my arms when she cries even if I know that she just wants to eat. I want to talk to her even if she doesn't understand me yet. I want to stare at her face up-close and kiss her nose when she sleeps. I sound in love and that's because I am!

I now officially hate being sick.

Damn all the drama, may sakit lang naman ako. Bukas magaling na ako!

Sad realization.

I realized last night that the main reason I cried almost whole of last week over Brianna's surname wasn't because they didn't give both me and Bry the option to decide on ourselves but because the people who are most important to me didn't support the decision I made.

Of course, Bry's side of the family is important to me, too. But - and I don't mean to compare - they've been more supportive of us. We know some of the decisions we made were wrong but we're trying to make it right...or at least make the following decisions right and they've been there, giving us sermons along the way but they've always been happy for us. Again, I don't mean to compare.

But the people who are most important to me, personally, were really resistant of us - meaning Bry and me - and of this baby. It just sucks to be in this position but I know I put myself in this and it's my responsibility to get the three of us out of here. That, I still don't know how to do.

Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool. Loving both of you is breaking all the rules.

Funny as it may seem, I am totally relating to this song right now. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not cheating on my babydaddy. The other lover is - are - my parents.

I've been having this dilemma since Monday. You see, I told my parents - via e-mail because I didn't have the balls to bring it up personally - that I've decided that Brianna will take on Bry's last name instead of my last name. I figured it wasn't that much of a deal because personally, it was a no-brainer for me. Bry is Brianna's dad, she should carry his last name instead of mine. Whatever happens to me and Bry, she still is his kid. It's that simple.

Apparently, it isn't.

A few minutes after I sent the e-mail, my dad replied with a big, fat "No.". I replied, "Why? She is our kid." because she is. That's when it all started. To make the long-ass story short, I got bombarded with sumbats, past situations I thought were already left in the past, complaints and unfair blames that shouldn't be put on me because it wasn't my responsibility. Naturally, I got pissed and ended up crying for two whole days, putting my baby through an enormous amount of stress (another post is intended for this, and not in this blog).

After that, I talked to Bry, of course. He got pretty upset, naturally but after probably two-three days of thinking (if you call it that) about it, we finally decided to give it up for reasons we shouldn't be giving: Para walang gulo, para matapos na, para wala nang masabi pa.

After our conversation last night, I realized two things:

1. I want an entirely different thing for my little family from what my parents want and
2. I still don't know why I don't stand up to them.

What do I want for my family? Simple. I want all of us healthy, happy and living under the same roof apart from our families using one surname. Simple. But, apparently, not easy.

Why don't I stand up to them? I've countless reasons for that: I don't want to be blamed for what's happening to my siblings (which is unfair but it happens anyway), I don't want to cause them any more heart breaks, I don't want to be called ungrateful... (I probably would bore anyone who's reading this if I continue)

In the process, I am jeopardizing my own little family when I don't stand up to my parents. That's when it gets complicated. I know the choice is obvious.

The question now is am I willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING for my family? For my baby girl?

Mom...

I feel bad for some people...

I know I have been saying "To think is to create" a lot lately but then again, I think some people took this saying to its most extreme definition.

I have these 2 friends who, I think, is seeking for so much attention, they are starting to creep me out.

Friend #1 is a freelance artist who designs t-shirts for a living. He has this "girlfriend" who's a varsity volleyball player from one of the Big 4 universities in Manila. I was kinda dumbfounded when I saw that this athlete was the model/athlete kind but thought nothing of it 'cause she might actually give my friend here a shot even if he's the kind of guy who doesn't care how he smells like. I was taught that I should let go of my programs and my prejudices so I actually considered this.

Little did I know, this model/athlete is kinda famous because she has a famous sister as well. A common friend just voiced out her concern for Friend #1 'cause she saw the real Facebook account of the said model/athlete and she wasn't in a relationship with Friend #1. They weren't even connected.

Something happened to him in the past and that's the reason why people don't reprimand/ask him questions about all these, according to a reliable source. But I don't think that's reason enough for them to tolerate him living in his imaginary world where he goes to whenever he has problems. He's 26, for chrissakes. He should be able to face his problems like a grown up, not like a toddler.

Friend #2 has a whole different story. Friend #2 is a graphic artist who has a psychological problem. He gets easily distracted. Anyway, Friend #2 made this fantasy girl up in Facebook in order for him to get likes and comments. He made the name up and looked for a picture of a Filipina in a rather provocative pose in Google.

Friend #2 actually confided this to me and the mistake I made was tolerate this behavior of his. I should've told him that he didn't need to have likes and comments on his wall because he's so much better than that. That he shouldn't let other people dictate how he should be appreciated.

I shared these stories to enlighten other people that this cases are common and that they shouldn't be looked down on, criticized and be laughed at. These kinds of people need help. They need OUR help. They need our understanding and our patience to help them understand the things around them.

Boyfriend weather... WITHOUT THE BOYFRIEND.

Sayang lang ang lamig.

Exactly what I wanna tell my dad.

Ito lang naman inemail ko sa Tatay ko, di ko alam kung bakit bumuhos luha ko...

Tay,

I honestly don't know what is happening, it just pains us to see you sad. Para ngang di sad, parang depressed. We still have a few more days before 2011 to fix whatever the problem is. I, personally, want to help you kasi I know I contributed to whatever you're going through so if you need someone to talk to, just tell me.

We love you and we all hope we get our jolly, loving, warm and makulit na Tatay back soon. :)

Ale

Literal, yan lang. Grabe yung luha ko, parang sampung taong di pinakawalan... NAPAKAIYAKIN KO.

Christmas...

Okay, apparently, Christmas didn't turn out as I expected (i.e. no phone arguments with my boyfriend over how I'm such a drama queen).

Stupid stupidity.

Shall make my annual year-ender blog entry that takes too much time and brain cells, it probably is the most productive thing I do every year. Okay, besides the wishlist.

Note to self:

What Christmas spirit?!

Honestly, I couldn't feel the Christmas spirit this year. Sure, houses are all lit-up and you can see Christmas decorations everywhere but the feel exactly? Nada.

Well, for one, it's still hot in the afternoon and the sun's still way bright for Christmas season.

It might be because I am not lounging around some Starbucks store, sipping my hot Peppermint Mocha drink and smoking my lungs dead while listening to stories and the laughter of whoever's right there with me.

Or probably because I haven't been out and about, battling with everyone in the malls/tiangges/ukay-ukays for the perfect Christmas present for those people in my Christmas list.

Maybe it's because I am not hanging out with friends at night, getting drunk as hell and don't remember a single thing in the morning when I wake up.

I know this is just me complaining.

But really, Christmas spirit is zero this year.

How ironic...

I posted this status in Facebook just a couple of hours ago (Facebook says 19 hours ago but I can't be sure) and now, I am here at home, SULKING, 'cause I should be want to be someplace else - someplace where I am with my boyfriend and a couple of friends with beers, cigarettes and jazz music - but the responsible, mommy voice inside my head asked me to stay home instead.

I know this shouldn't be hard considering the condition I am in but still! I've decided since last week that I will be there only to change my mind the last minute. Masama pa sa loob ko yung pagpalit ko ng decision... which shouldn't be the case because it's for my bebe anyway BUT STILL! (Ayaw talaga palampasin...)

THINK POSITIVE, ALE! ☺
This shouldn't be that much of a dilemma to you. You are doing the right thing.
If it is really that hard, you already need to re-audit.

After all that positivity, I suddenly felt...

JEALOUS.

And jealousy is such an ugly emotion. Really. It is.

I was going through the Facebook account of my ex-boyfriend and felt just that while I was browsing through his photos. Now, I am not jealous of his new girl. Not that. I felt a tad bit jealous of how he treats her.

I have a lot going for me right now, though.

(Taken October 22, 2010 at The Medical City, Pasig City)

 

I have a pretty baby girl growing inside of me and I am loving every minute of the kicks and the waves my tummy is doing.

(Taken January 25, 2010 at The Lion's Den)

I have a loving and very responsible husband-to-be that has been supporting me and understanding me through this.

(Taken by Celize Inocencio, December 23, 2008 at Baba Pelaez's place)

(Taken by Chino Miranda, January 22, 2010 at Timezone, Glorietta 4)

(Taken at Rich Sants' place at Brgy. San Antonio, Sucat)

(Taken by Karl Tantuico, January 3, 2009 at JayJ's, Oritgas Home Depot)

 (Taken January 15, 2010 at Stone House, Tomas Morato cor. E. Rod)

I have crazy friends who have been putting up to how I am and accepted me through all these years.

(Taken by Dhang De Castro, November 23, 2010 at Soliman Corporate Center, Pasong Tamo)

I have a new set of friends who were once strangers but are now very supportive of my goals in life.

(Taken July 12, 2009 at Days Hotel, Tagaytay)

I have a crazy family that will support me no matter what happens.

That's when I realized I need not be jealous.

I have everything I could ever hope for. ☺

Sakto lang sa kadramahan ko.

Right now, I'm holding on to the past. I know I shouldn't but it's the only thing that's keeping me sane. All the drama's wearing me out.

Maybe saying what's on my mind is a terrible thing so I'm shutting up and shutting out.

Mommy wants to ask Jellybean for forgiveness for crying last night...

Mommy will not let it happen again, okay?