MARAMING SALAMAT.

Ang buwan ng Hulyo ay naging mahirap. Mabigat.

Maraming masasakit na salita ang nabitawan.
Maraming desisyong hindi napanindigan.
Maraming maling pananaw ang nakapagpaalog ng pundasyong matagal nang nilalatag.
May mga nagbago at may mga hindi nagbago.
Nabawasan ang tiwala, paniniwala, at respeto.
Nadagdagan ang pagdududa, pagaalinlangan, at sakit.
Nananatili ang pagkakaiba sa mga opinyon at mga kuro-kuro at ang paninindigan sa mga ito.

Pero nalampasan namin ang lahat ng ito sa pagkapit sa nasa itaas at sa pagmamahal sa isa't isa.

Sa pagsasara ng buwan ng Hulyo, gusto ko lang magpasalamat sa buwang nakalipas at sa mga bagyong dulot nito. Lalong nadagdagan ang pagpapahalaga ko sa aking sarili at sa aking pinakamamahal.

Nawa'y maging matiwasay ang mga susunod na mag buwan at mga taon para sa aming dalawa. Kung hindi man, sana ay mas mapatatag pa kami ng mga unos na aming pagdadaanan.

It's been a long, long while.

A lot has been happening these past few weeks/months but I haven't bombarded this place with the nonsense in my head. I don't know why, actually. Probably because I'm having way too much fun with everything, despite the fact that some of the things that's happened actually tore me into pieces. I don't know, maybe I've finally learned to see the good in it even though it hurts.

So what has happened these past few weeks/months? Let's see…

• I've FINALLY been to Boracay.
• And I actually went snorkeling!
• And banana boat-ing!
• Although I didn't get a tan.
• But the Boracay sunset…ohmygod, it really is as pretty as everyone says it is.
• I went hotel-hopping. Mind you, these are not cheap ass hotels you find along Malate or something.
• I've managed to "dump" all the people that I don't want and need in my life, including the people related to them.
• I had a major falling out with my dad.
• But we're okay now. I think.
• I got a full-time online job.
• Brianna started and ended her summer class with flying colors.
• My friends now know how crazy I get when I'm in a relationship.
• I'm in a relationship.
• But not without a falling out that almost led to a "break-up" even if we weren't really together yet that time.
• Brianna celebrated her 3rd baptismal anniversary.
• My laptop died on me in the middle of a hectic week at work.
• Which led me to get a Mac. Which seems to be eating me up alive with every simple command that I can't figure out without the help of my brother or the Internet.
• I've started reading books again.
• I'm actually planning to buy a car.
• And to get life insurance. As in legit planning, with quotations and loans and stuff.
• I've achieved my weight goal and I'm actually maintaining it.
• I've enrolled Brianna for this coming school year.
• I hung out in a Starbucks branch all by myself after a really, really, REALLY long time. I think the last time I did that was in college. It was so refreshing, I want to do it regularly.
• I got a new pair of glasses that makes me look like a hipster, according to a friend.
• I failed to finish the #100HappyDays project which bummed me out…but not quite.
• A lot of items on my wish list/bucket list have been ticked off, thanks to my wonderful new boyfriend who just keeps on granting everything on my lists. I'm not going to elaborate on what the items are/were but he's been doing that since we first saw each other again last September and I can't stop thanking him for it. I mean, it takes a lot of effort (and money) to get some of the things done (of course, a lot of them are easy and free) but I never heard him complain.
• I might have found the perfect dress for my friend's wedding this November.
• Brianna told me that I'm "very awesome", which is probably the best entry here.
• Which I tweeted. I don't tweet as much, too, so there goes constantly documenting my life online.
• Also stopped reading my Twitter timeline/browsing through my Instagram feed 509375894072101948578461807492 times a day. It's oddly refreshing.

I guess that's everything. I don't know how to get everything out and I am not doing one post for each item so I made a list. It's not chronologically arranged or something. I just wanted to take note of how exhausting but at the same time, exhilarating the past few weeks/months have been for me. The short-term memory loss that general anesthesia has given me will probably wipe my memory clean by the end of the first half of the year, might as well document what I remember now.

I am quite thankful for how everything is turning out. Despite the many, many, many disappointments, I feel that everything is falling into place. How can I not be grateful, right?

To find a man who'll do the same for me...

This particular write-up about Iya Villania and Drew Arellano's wedding made me tear up a bit. Okay, technically, Drew made me cry. #BadBoyKa

But know this: in this journey, I will hold your hand, I will always be there. So, don’t be afraid to follow your dreams, and all the sacrifices, I will bear. (Arellano, 2014)

"...and all the sacrifices, I will bear."

I know it's totally not fair but to find a man who'll even try to do just that... That's the dream.

It feels good to have someone support you.

Ever since the break-up, I've been feeling like Ted here whenever people get all supportive of my actions and decisions. I know most of my friends have been there for me in the whole ordeal that is my latest relationship - and I am most certainly grateful for the support and love, friends - but for the most part, I've been focusing on all the things I've been told that I was doing wrong instead of my friends and family, cheering me on.
Now all I feel is that I am being appreciated and supported in everything - literally, EVERYTHING - I do. I think it helps that I don't just rush into things anymore and that I consult other wiser people before I make decisions now. But yeah, this support thing feels damn good. You just know that people actually believe in what you have to offer.
Side note: I can't find an existing photo from Tumblr with that quote so I had to make one. I don't know what font is being used by those Tumblr kids for the quotes so the one I used from Pixlr Express should be enough for now.

Doubt.

I know I've been pretty confident with my decision to live the single life after a very long time and with a toddler in tow but there are times - like now - when I doubt myself. It's not because I am regretting the last relationship I was in because, really, that relationship was one huge trainwreck I was so lucky to survive. No, the doubt stems from the idea of Brianna growing up with just me. There's nothing really wrong with that if you think about it but growing up with a complete set of parents, I feel I'm depriving her of...something. Like, I can try everything to be a "complete set" but at the end of the day, I won't be able to give her everything that she needs.

BUT - and a big but, at that! - I'd rather try to get her to understand why I needed to make that decision than have her experience it. Yes, her dad might be exerting some kind of effort now but I definitely am not falling for it the way everyone at our house seems to be falling for it. I've been there: the gifts, the sweet words, the "attention"... and then nothing at all. Add that to all the hurtful words and accusations that made me feel like I was a worthless piece of dog poo... No freakin' way, man. You're gonna have to kill me first before you can get my daughter to experience that kind of pain; and from a person who's supposed to be taking care of her, no less. No, thanks.







Now, that's really therapeutic (for a lack of a better term). I don't doubt myself anymore. Cool.

Standards.

I was with a few friends at Frankie's last Monday for Chicken Wing Day when I just had to bring up my dilemma of getting into relationships with people who can't/don't want to prioritize me. I mean, I rarely see anyone so every chance they give me to talk about it when we're together is important...at least for me. Most of the time, I just seek for advice because I've come to the point where I cannot solve the problem with the same mind that thought of the problem anymore.

Anyway, they told me the problem was that I don't really have standards and just went for guys who show me interest. I love this feedback. For someone who doesn't understand what the hell's happening AT ALL, learning about this is great, great, GREAT progress. Now, I know where to start. I needed to hear it, no matter how heart-wrenching the full minute after hearing that was.

Right now, I still don't know what my non-negotiables are, to be completely honest. I've been thinking about it a lot since Tuesday midnight and all I can come up with are that the next guy should accept and love Brianna like his own and that he should be on-board with the goals I am pursuing for myself, Brianna and our little family in the future. That's about it...for now. I've a few adjectives in mind that are "typical non-negotiables" but I need to write 'em down. The vision wall and gratitude notebook worked for me, anyway. Wriiting this one down might, too.

BTdubs, I can't get the Alien Guy meme off of my mind since I started thinking about this blog entry on the way home that same night so...