Friday, July 12, 2013

Of exes and late-night realizations.

I've literally been in a relationship for 10 years now. Not all with one guy, though. I haven't had a break from being in a relationship in those 10 years until now. Now that I'm single, I've done some thinking and I've come up with a few realizations. The first one being IT FEELS SO DAMN GREAT TO BE SINGLE. No one to ask permission from, no one to update whenever I go out, no one to monitor, no one to argue with, no one to get all paranoid about. It just feels great. It's liberating.

Second realization is that I finally have time to think about my wants and needs. Yes, I know I have a daughter so I still have limits in terms of this but having a wider range of choices than I had before feels so good. If I want to spend Php4,000 for a bag I will rarely use, I can just do it without anyone hovering, telling me I don't need the bag blah blah blah. In short, walang KJ.

Lastly, the realization that I am attracting the same guy over and over again. I've dated quite a number of guys but I've only been in a serious relationship with 3. I know what you're thinking: How could I have dated other guys if I wasn't "available" for 10 years. I'm not proud but I've dated other guys while I was in a relationship with those 3 other guys. They're harmless dates, mind you. Nothing happened with those other guys...except for the 2 back in 2006. (I'm sorry, ex-boyfriend #2, but, yeah, I cheated on you with 2 other guys before I got back together with my then ex-boyfriend, who is now my ex again. So that's 3 guys. Again, sorry.)

When I was with ex-boyfriend #3, though, I went out with College Guy a couple of times but usually with a group of friends so technically I wasn't dating him but I'm head over heels in LIKE - if there's such a term - with the guy so the get-togethers weren't as harmless as I would want them to be but that's not the point of this post. (Last na, I'm still nanggigigil over him so much that I need to go out with him one more time...maybe more times after that.)

Anyway, those 3 guys I've been in a relationship with have 3 similar qualities:
  1. They don't prioritize me but expect me to prioritize them. Okay, maybe ex-boyfriend #1 prioritized me for the most part of our relationship but he couldn't disobey his parents for me. I'm such a bad person for saying that, I know, but I've done it for him a lot of times so I got hurt when he can't and won't do it then. Ex-boyfriend #2 has his org and ex-boyfriend #3, who, by the way, is the father of my daughter, has his friends to prioritize.
  2. When I broke up with all of them, ginuilt trip nila ako. I would've done the same thing if I were in their position, too, though so no hard feelings there.
  3. They all didn't put up a fight when I broke up with them. They just let me go. This may sound stupid cause I won't get back together with them anyway but not one of them defended the years we've been together. I'm kinda hurt by that, to be perfectly honest. Ex-boyfriend #1 did that the first time we broke up - he filled my room with roses and rose petals and collages of our faces and messages on my mirrors - and I appreciated that but the break-up that ended it all, he did nothing. So, yeah. Maybe I'm that mean and inconsiderate to them that they just want me out of their systems. Whatever.
I don't know why I attract these kinds of guys and choose to be serious with them but I always do. I think it's a good thing I've decided to take a break on being in a relationship with someone. This might change the vibes I am sending out to the Universe... I hope it does because God knows how tired I am of prioritizing my partners over myself.

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