Friday, March 13, 2015


Ever since I was a little girl, ALL of my actions were done based on what everyone else around me would say. You can call me the perfect daughter/friend/girlfriend/student. I've never heard anyone close to me complain about me. They always got what they want from me when I barely got anything back. I was fine with seeing everyone else around me smiling even if I can feel that hole inside me growing steadily with every action that's actually against what I've wanted to do.

I am never selfish. Now, I've just learned how to say no. Some people confuse that to mean that I am just being a brat for wanting things to go my way...which I don't think is wrong, to be quite frank. I've been doing things for everyone else for as long as I can remember so I don't understand why it still can't be my turn now. Paano naman ako?

My mom keeps on telling me "Ang tigas-tigas mo na!" and I keep on telling her "Di ako matigas, tinigilan ko lang kayong isipin pag nagdedesisyon ako." To tell you the truth, I don't know if this right or wrong and I don't really care. Right now, all I can think of is this: Paano naman ako? Kung walang magiisip at magaalaga sa nararamdaman ko, I better do it on my own. Bahala na kung may matamaan. I'm just so tired of putting myself last just to make other people feel better.

This has been bothering me for quite some time now that I haven't had a decent sleep for a very, very long time. I wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep. I can't eat properly. I can't even just sit down and read a book to calm my head. It's been a long time since I had a hearty laugh and it has been so damn long since I thought of nothing. I get some peace and quiet when I sleepover friends' houses - which I am extremely grateful for - but when the thought of going back to "reality" looms over me, wala na ulit. Stressed na ulit.

I just want peace of mind. Peace of MY mind. That's it. Ako naman ngayon, please.

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