Every once in a while, I get all depressed up to the point where I just want to end it all. I even talk to Brianna, asking for her forgiveness. If not, I actually talk to the Big Guy, asking Him to end it all while I sleep.
I am weak, I admit. EVERYTHING that I've been through, each and every one of them, just weakens me as time passes. I don't know how to let them all go. They're all bottled up inside me, waiting for the perfect time to burst and tear me apart...probably, literally.
Right now, praying doesn't work. After all those times I served the Church, I still am here, at a loss, still trying to figure out how to surrender everything to Him. I don't know how to actually pray despite singing all those songs of praise in the past. Despite going to church every single Sunday. I still don't know how to do it right. How do I know? Every morning, when I wake up, I feel heavy. The phrase "pasan ang buong mundo" might be the best phrase to describe how I feel in the morning. That's how I know that my prayers don't work.
I pretend to be alright. I kinda have to. It's quite easy, though. I rarely update my social media accounts now and when I do, I post superficial stuff that my followers would just ignore. I "talk" to my friends on Viber. My boyfriend lives in the South, I live in the East. He kinda feels it, yeah, but still. My family is almost always out and when they are actually home, we are all busy doing something else. It's easy to put on that fake smile to whoever has the time of day to "look" my way, what with the emoticons and stickers and stuff.
Sometimes, I acknowledge that I need help but I honestly don't know where to go. My friends have their own problems and I don't want to burden them with my "small" problem/freakout. Same is true with the boyfriend. Plus, I know what they will say: "Ikaw lang naman makakaalis niyan sa sarili mo e." So I don't bother even just making my feelings known. My family...well, I don't actually listen to them anymore. I know they care and all but I don't know. I just stopped listening. Anyway, I could go visit a professional but since I don't have the money, I can't. I mean, I can't even grab a beer to numb the pain, for crying out loud. That's how broke I am. My go-to guilty pleasure activities - including writing - don't work anymore, too, and smoking just gets them off me for a couple of minutes.
Anyway, since I have all these thoughts in my head, it's natural to have a draft of my suicide note/last will and testament tucked somewhere in the folds of my currently twisted brain. I have a lot to say but I guess the bottomline is that I just want them all to forgive me for being weak. To forgive me for succumbing to the dark thoughts in my head. That there's no one to blame; I'm just really, really, really weak. And tired.
It scares me when I'm thinking straight but when I'm not, I'm quite ready to dive into it. I don't know if I can actually get around to doing it but if and when I do, can somebody point them to this post?
