I always forget how serious it got.

You know it is.

Second verse. Spot on.

Of exes and late-night realizations.

I've literally been in a relationship for 10 years now. Not all with one guy, though. I haven't had a break from being in a relationship in those 10 years until now. Now that I'm single, I've done some thinking and I've come up with a few realizations. The first one being IT FEELS SO DAMN GREAT TO BE SINGLE. No one to ask permission from, no one to update whenever I go out, no one to monitor, no one to argue with, no one to get all paranoid about. It just feels great. It's liberating.

Second realization is that I finally have time to think about my wants and needs. Yes, I know I have a daughter so I still have limits in terms of this but having a wider range of choices than I had before feels so good. If I want to spend Php4,000 for a bag I will rarely use, I can just do it without anyone hovering, telling me I don't need the bag blah blah blah. In short, walang KJ.

Lastly, the realization that I am attracting the same guy over and over again. I've dated quite a number of guys but I've only been in a serious relationship with 3. I know what you're thinking: How could I have dated other guys if I wasn't "available" for 10 years. I'm not proud but I've dated other guys while I was in a relationship with those 3 other guys. They're harmless dates, mind you. Nothing happened with those other guys...except for the 2 back in 2006. (I'm sorry, ex-boyfriend #2, but, yeah, I cheated on you with 2 other guys before I got back together with my then ex-boyfriend, who is now my ex again. So that's 3 guys. Again, sorry.)

When I was with ex-boyfriend #3, though, I went out with College Guy a couple of times but usually with a group of friends so technically I wasn't dating him but I'm head over heels in LIKE - if there's such a term - with the guy so the get-togethers weren't as harmless as I would want them to be but that's not the point of this post. (Last na, I'm still nanggigigil over him so much that I need to go out with him one more time...maybe more times after that.)

Anyway, those 3 guys I've been in a relationship with have 3 similar qualities:

1. They don't prioritize me but expect me to prioritize them. Okay, maybe ex-boyfriend #1 prioritized me for the most part of our relationship but he couldn't disobey his parents for me. I'm such a bad person for saying that, I know, but I've done it for him a lot of times so I got hurt when he can't and won't do it then. Ex-boyfriend #2 has his org and ex-boyfriend #3, who, by the way, is the father of my daughter, has his friends to prioritize.
2. When I broke up with all of them, ginuilt trip nila ako. I would've done the same thing if I were in their position, too, though so no hard feelings there.
3. They all didn't put up a fight when I broke up with them. They just let me go. This may sound stupid cause I won't get back together with them anyway but not one of them defended the years we've been together. I'm kinda hurt by that, to be perfectly honest. Ex-boyfriend #1 did that the first time we broke up - he filled my room with roses and rose petals and collages of our faces and messages on my mirrors - and I appreciated that but the break-up that ended it all, he did nothing. So, yeah. Maybe I'm that mean and inconsiderate to them that they just want me out of their systems. Whatever.

I don't know why I attract these kinds of guys and choose to be serious with them but I always do. I think it's a good thing I've decided to take a break on being in a relationship with someone. This might change the vibes I am sending out to the Universe... I hope it does because God knows how tired I am of prioritizing my partners over myself.

Common friends (sometimes) suck.

One thing I hate about following common friends with my ex on social networking sites is that I get to see his activities with his significant other. It's not that I am bitter over the break-up because I'm actually the one who broke up with him... It's just that I don't think I'm completely over him. I still get jealous over the fact that he didn't do half of the things he's doing now with his girlfriend when we were still together. Partying, drinking, spending the holidays with me, etc. I mean, if it isn't that hard, why didn't he do those things with me when we were still together?

Don't get me wrong, though. I don't want to get back together with him. I just wished he (or someone else) did those things with me on a regular basis because I am a clingy girlfriend (or fling) like that.

And of course, I love my friends. Yes, even those that link him to me but I hate Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for sending me notifications about his dinner with her family.

I've been having weird, weird dreams lately.

What does dreaming about your ex-boyfriend and his super - uhm - smart girlfriend mean? Bitter-bitteran pako sa panaginip ko last night.

I read somewhere na when you dream about something - or someone - you want it subconsciously. I read naman somewhere else that whatever you dream about, it's the opposite of what you really want. Then there are other sources saying that it all depends on the signs in your dream (e.g. vases, flowers or rainy locations).

And not only my ex, but Enchong Dee has been a regular in my dreams lately too. I don't like him in any way but I don't hate him either. Anjan lang siya. But he seem to want me so bad that whenever he appears in my dreams, he kisses me on the lips. Smack, torrid, romantic, you name it.

Sorry, I always get sidetracked by my own thoughts. So, uhm, there. What does recurring dreams and regular "cast" in dreams mean?

Seriously, what the fuck was that about?

So last night, while on my usual reading-back-tweets-and-checking-for-notifications ritual before I go to bed, I stumbled upon probably the most annoying thing a person could do:

My ex's current girlfriend added me on Facebook.

It would've been fine except I'm not a fan of friendships like this. Call me immature but I have a list of reasons why this kind of "friendship" wouldn't work (even if both me and my ex are over "us"):

1. Most probably, the one initiating this friendship has a vendetta against the other person. Rubbing it on the other person's face, showing off... Whatever it is, there is SOMETHING.
2. The exes shared something very intimate before that having any kind of relationship with the current one would be really...awkward. I mean, seeing my ex with another girl is one thing but getting an inside scoop as to what they do and how they do it is another.
3. The ex wouldn't want this if it happened to him.
4. It doesn't make sense. At all.
5. It's just plain rude on all three parties. It's like living with your husband and his ex.

If - and I doubt it - her intentions were clean, she probably wouldn't have sent a friend request right after she posted all the photos of the surprise birthday party my ex threw her. So, I did what felt natural and blocked her off my friends' list.

To my ex (who I know reads my blog), I'm pretty sure she's awesome because to get you to do something like that means she is but I don't think a "friendship" with her will work. It wouldn't make sense. To me, at least. I hope you understand.

#3. My longest relationship was seven years long.

Does having a kid with the guy I am with mean I shouldn't be oogling about other guys anymore?

Not in a sexual manner, though... It's just that I have all the time in the world to stalk some people on Facebook. Some people meaning people I had a past relationship with, officially or not, and people I had a huge, huge crush on (and lust for) before and hot dang, most of them got HHHHHNNNNNGGGGG hotter than I could ever remember.

I have this theory that I take good care of my boyfriends.

I may usually be annoying and nagging and a pain in the ass and paranoid and... You can stop me anytime... Anyway, I may be all those things I mentioned - and probably more - but I take good care of my boyfriends. Never in my 8 years, 3 (serious) relationships worth of experience have I visited, rushed someone or accompanied someone to the hospital.

('Cause it has always been me who was rushed to the hospital then. Not that I'm saying they don't take care of me. Hee.)

Just saying.

I had this dream last night...

I had this dream last night about my ex and his current girlfriend.

All three of us were in my room and I was telling his current girlfriend in this really mean and bitchy way how lucky she is she has him and all that crap while my ex was just playing with what looked like a comb.

I don't know why I've been having those kinds of dreams these past few weeks.

Maybe I should stop looking at his Facebook profile. That might make those kinds of dreams stop.

A rollercoaster of emotions...

2010 has truly been life-changing for me. A lot of heartbreaks and successes happened this year and I couldn't be more thankful.

First, I want to thank Jopet. Despite us going our separate ways, those 7 years were incredibly wonderful and I couldn't ask for anything else from you. You've been there, helping me through my darkest times and cheering me through trials I got myself into and actually encourage me to emerge successful. Thank you for the love and the care you've spoiled me with during those 7 years. I would also like to thank you for the opportunity of being a friend despite a hard and tearful break-up and for that, again, I couldn't ask for anything else.

Next, I'd like to thank my family. I know I've been a really huge pain in the ass this year and I was far from being the most ideal daughter you could ever think of having but I thank you for the support and the understanding. I probably am the luckiest girl, having you as my family. Even through the disappointments, I wouldn't trade you guys for anyone else. We still have a few more days before 2011 to fix what's broken so we can face the new year with a fresh outlook and a clearer view of what we will be encountering.

Third, my TVSTYLE family. You guys have been a huge part of my 2010. You became my shock absorbers and sponges of all the drama that went on in my life this year. Each and everyone of you played a major role in my life and I can't be thankful enough. Shout out to Kuya Delong for being my voice of reason and for pushing me to my limits (both positive and negative...at least for me).

I also would like to thank my PSI 240 family for being a part of probably the biggest and most important realization of my life. I wouldn't trade that experience for anything else.

Of course, I thank Bry for bearing this wonderful baby with me. Hon, when the clock struck 12am January 1, 2010, we vowed to one another that this will be OUR year. That we both will conquer this year as we were meant to. It has definitely been our year and this year has given us the biggest blessing anyone could ever ask for in the form of the awesome-est little baby girl, Brianna Angelica. I enjoyed being your dirty little secret, I have to be honest but we'd have to put the games aside and put Brianna on top of both our priority lists. Thank you for being so mature and childish at the same time. I hope we make the same vow - or a more binding vow in front of friends, families and God - for 2011 as we did when we welcomed 2010. I love you so much and thank you.

Lastly, I want to thank God. You made all these possible and I offer everything to you. Thank you for all the trials and achievements we had this year and most of all, I want to thank you for giving Brianna to us. She is a living testament of your love to - and between - me and Bry.

Get ready, 2011.

Brianna, Bry and I are soooooo ready to rock you!

After 3 months...

Yes, I do visit my ex's Facebook page just for the hell of it... Okay, maybe I wanted to know if he's got a new girl. And who the girl is.

So anyhoo, I was reading his conversation with one of his friends and he was telling her how his new girl is rich and how she got him all kinds of stuff when a realization struck me:

I am genuinely happy for him.

Not the pinilit-lang-maging-masaya happy or the sarcastic happiness. I really am happy he found that someone who will take care of him. I've always thought that a part of me would be sad or it will hurt a bit but it didn't.

I actually am happy for him. ☺ YAY ME! ☺