Finally free!

I know I said here that's the last time I was gonna talk about it (online) but there's a development that I need to document because it's definitely worth documenting:

I finally told both my folks about the break-up.

Yep, after a long ass time of trying to get them to ask me about it, I finally told them. Okay, I told them on different occasions (told my mom when I went home at 4 in the morning last Monday and told my dad while he was brushing his teeth just an hour ago) but today marks the day when I am finally free from all the shackles that have been linking me to him. Yeah, we have my daughter, linking him to me forever but the emotional hold is now gone. I don't have to worry about how I'm gonna explain everything to the both of them anymore.

I also told them about the new guy who isn't my boyfriend (yet) but I guess they already know he's courting me. I mean, he's almost always here at home, hanging out with me/us, anyway.

It might come as a shock that I just told them about it now after being broken up for months now but we're not really vocal with whatever so there you go.

Woohoo! Finally!

This is the last time that I'm talking about this.

This is the first time I've seen a post that was meant for me published a few months ago and I honestly don't know how to feel about it. Don't get me wrong, though. I've probably made the best decision of my life by walking out of the most toxic relationship I will ever be in in my lifetime and I will stand by that decision til the last of my days because I will never ever allow anyone to disrespect me ever again. It's just that a part of me feels bad for the guy. Yes, after all that I've been through in all my, what, 2 1/2 years with him, I still am the one feeling bad for him.

I don't really know why but it's probably the fact that he doesn't understand everything that happened to him and why they happened. Why I walked out of his life, why it all happened in a blink of an eye and why all of a sudden, I had no love left for him. Let me shed some light on these: First of all, I walked out because I didn't feel respected both as a woman and a person. I admit, I am not one of those independent women I hope I was. I'm not even close to becoming independent, especially if we were to talk about matters of the heart. With that said, I am one of those hopeless romantic, damsels-in-distress who are waiting to be swept off their feet by a knight in shining armor atop his trusty steed. I understand not all men get the logic behind this but is it too much to ask for a little respect? No need to call me "immature" for hoping a prince will kiss all the troubles away. A simple "I can't possibly live up to that" would've sufficed. And the desire to be respected doesn't end there: Smoking while walking/standing on the sidewalk without being called a slut (pokpok, to be more specific), wearing shorts without being told I just want guys to notice me, following my parents' advice without being told I can't make my own decisions... It's a long ass list that I wouldn't want to bore anyone with.

Everything didn't happen in a blink of an eye, too, as much as he wants to believe otherwise. In the 5th month of the relationship, I began telling him everything. I wanted to be open to him because that's what a healthy relationship needs but trust me when I say hearing "Ano nanaman bang problema? Yan nanaman? Diba nasabi mo na yan dati?" every damn time you try to bring up a situation you feel uncomfortable with can do massive damage to your psyche. I started clamming up when I entered my 3rd trimester, thinking I was a single woman halfway through 2012 and actually moving on January 1st of this year, when my goals and dreams were all stepped on by the person who's supposed to be helping me reach them. Being called a "gold digger" for wanting all the basic things in life is the final nail on the coffin. So no, the break-up didn't happen in a blink of an eye. I guess it follows that the flame died little by little until there was no more flame to speak of. The only mistake I think I made when it came to the break-up is that I waited that long to end the relationship. It wasn't fair to him and it most certainly wasn't fair for me.

He said he still wants to marry me and I'm flattered but please believe me when I say that it's not going to happen. The girl who was so hopelessly in love with him, the girl who was about to disobey her parents just to marry him (for all the wrong reasons), the girl who was willing to risk every damn thing for a man who didn't return even just a bit of respect she's given him...that girl is long gone and so is everything that I've ever felt for him...yes, including the hurt and the anger. I am lifting them all up to Him and hope that the forgiveness comes cause then, I'll finally get the peace of mind I so longed for.

Someone's getting desperate...

I have officially met the biggest tattletale I will ever know.

You know what's funny, though?

He's a dude.

You know what's funnier than that?

He's 10 years my senior.

The Key to the Law of Attraction

I've been a firm believer of the Law of Attraction since I first encountered it last 2010. I've never felt so responsible and it's changed me in ways I couldn't really explain to non-believers and to those who don't want to believe it. I stopped blaming others whenever I feel bad and I started becoming happy for the achievements of other people... It's so liberating, I tell you.

With that said, I've a few things to say: The Law of Attraction might be borderline superstitious to a lot of people who are skeptics but that doesn't mean you can make things up when you know that deep down inside, it's never ever gonna happen. The Law of Attraction will get the universe moving towards those things that you firmly believe is going to happen. The beauty of it is the universe actually knows when you are lying to yourself. So when you send your requests out, the universe also gets a hold of your emotions, your thoughts and everything that it needs to fulfill what it is you really want.

Let's say, you want a car. You send that out to the universe but in your head you keep on saying "I don't have a job" and in your heart you feel so depressed about not having a job, then you can be sure that the universe won't grant your wish.

Getting whatever it is that you want entails positive vibes and honesty to one's self. Declaring things to the universe that you don't actually believe is true is just, well, lying. It's a simple as that.

Why did I feel the need to explain how Law of Attraction works? Well, I got word that the babydaddy has been inviting people in my clan to "our" non-existent wedding. I know he's just attracting it but I think he doesn't know that lying to himself won't get him anywhere and lying to other people is just plain wrong. I mean, everyone's been taught the same thing in GMRC and Religion/Christian Living, right? (For a person who grew up in a "sarado Katoliko" family, he tends to lie a lot.)

"Ain't nothin' you can say to me that can change my mind, I gotta let you go now. And nothin' will ever be the same, so just be on your way, go 'head and do your thing now..."

- All I Have, Jennifer Lopez feat. LL Cool J, 2003

Don't wanna try no more.

Sunday is cleaning day in the Tejada household and after 349871893479817232 years, I decided to join in the chaos that is my mom running back and forth like a chicken with its head cut off. While wiping dust off of my desk - I haven't been living in my room for the longest time - this song came on the iPod. I literally stopped cleaning and just listened to it. One word: SAPUL.
This completes phase numero uno of Oplan ItAin'tOver, if you know what I mean... (You probably don't but my friends [My Humps] do.)

I don't know if it's a wise idea or not...

I posted this photo in Instagram a few days ago:

I've been reading and re-reading that comment by @inigojohan and now that I think about it, it wasn't such a great idea posting - regramming - this photo in my feed. Why? Well, that @inigojohan user is the babydaddy's sister. Of course, her name isn't Inigo Johan; that's her son's name and I completely forgot that she's following me in Instagram.

Anyway, I don't honestly get those two black thingamabob at the end of her message. Partly the reason why I don't know if she's kidding or if she's serious and whether or not she's mad about it. I mean, I did get mad at one of my brother's exes when she posted on her blog that what my brother gave her was a sale item in Mango (Hello naman kasi, highschool lang kapatid ko nun. Walang mapagkukunan ng malaking pera. Palibhasa kasi siya mayaman -- See? I'm still not over it!).

I was kinda asking for it, though. I mean, I could've taken the photo down when she commented on it but instead, I replied a vague "Hahaha! :)) Di ko alam sasabihin..." I don't care if she told him, anyway. I wouldn't have done that 5 years ago. My, have I grown...

Labels.

Labels have always been important to me. They're there to put people where they need to be and they're there to ensure peace among people involved in a certain situation. It doesn't matter if the label's the other man or woman; it should be clear to everyone so expectations can be reduced and actions (and reactions) can be limited.

I am now in a position where I don't know what my label is, romantic (or lack thereof) relationship-wise. I was girlfriend-fiance-girlfriend-babymommy, if there's such a term-Idon'tknowanymore in a matter of 3 years and the Idon'tknowanymore label is killing me. I don't know if I am still in a committed relationship because we do not talk at all anymore. It might be my fault because I stopped trying but you can't blame me for reaching the limit of my patience...especially for a guy who is as stubborn as the babydaddy.

Anyway, I would really want to know what we are now. It's not that I am itching to go out on a date with another guy (although there are days that I'm this close to asking someone out); it's more of wanting peace of mind. I want to know if I should be expecting anything or if I should be doing something to salvage the relationship if it's still worth saving. Here's the problem, though: I don't want to ask him because when I do, he's going to make me feel like either I'm stupid for asking a question with an obvious answer or that I'm selfish for not taking his feelings into consideration. Yes, whenever we talk, it's always lose-lose for me.

See? This is why I just went "Sorry, bruh" when I ended my previous relationships. It's easier that way. With the babydaddy, though, it's a different ballgame and I don't know how to play it.

Note: I'm sorry for the HIMYM reference yet again and I'm sorry for all the (additional) thoughts in parentheses.

Gold digger.

I don't consider myself to be a gold digger. I'm not one to spend thousands and thousands of pesos over branded clothes, Apple gadgets or ridiculously over-priced bags/watches/shoes. (The only piece of branded clothing I own is an Esprit shirt that was given to me as a gift three Christmases ago. I own a Mango wallet and a brand spankin' new pair of Nike running shoes which were both given to me as gifts this Christmas.) I don't even want to eat in places with meal prices that start at Php200.

With that said, I really cannot comprehend, with all of my 16 years of relatively expensive private school education, how I became a gold digger. I want to live in my own house/apartment. I want to drive a decent enough car. I want my daughter to get private school education like I did. I do not demand any of these from my boyfriend or anybody else. If anything, I demand all of these from myself. I just shared them with the person I am supposed to be working with to achieve all of these and what do I get? The label Gold Digger. 

Okay, maybe I am expecting him to want the same things and actually go "Okay, ako na ang bahala." or maybe even a "Sige, i-goal natin yan." would suffice but it seems like I'm asking too much. So much so that I got called a gold digger by the last person who I thought would have the gall to call me that.

That guilty feeling...

I always, always get this guilty feeling whenever I see Facebook photos/conversations of Bry's friends' wives. Looks like they go on weekly dates with each other, probably to catch up and exchange mommy tips.  They seem to be having loads of fun except I don't seem to want to be a part of it. Not that I don't want to share to anyone how my relationship with Brianna is because I will totally bore the wits out of those who will be willing to listen... I just don't see myself actually bonding with them and that makes me guilty... Well, to be perfectly honest, I just feel the guilt when I see Facebook/Instagram photos or when I see them all together.

Is that weird? I mean, I am practically his wife but I don't seem to want to hangout with that particular set of friends of his. Not that I have anything against them; we are actually 'friendly'...they just are friendlier with one another.

(If I was [still] a clingy girlfriend, I would've tried so hard to "belong", though...)

The story behind me and my babydaddy...

Behind every couple is a story that is gruesome enough to be thought of as a horror movie concept. Our movie concept is just a click away: Make it work! on Supermommy Chronicles.

Comments will be highly appreciated. It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative.

Thanks in advance!

This weekend is the most legen - wait for it - dary weekend yet!

It started off as how much of my weekends start. Panicking when I realize Brianna's not beside me anymore, having breakfast, checking my mails, playing Sorority Life on Facebook, lunch, siesta, all with breastfeeding and diaper changes in between. Now, instead of spending the entire afternoon and night in front of the TV, I went out.

Bry's birthday painom got moved a week after his birthday because he was sick during his birthday. Painom happened at The Plantation in C. Palanca in Makati. Nice little place.

TVSTYLE, previous officemates and his high school friends were all there to celebrate his birthday with him. Here are some of the highlights (You most probably won't get any of these but what the hell, it's for me anyway):

1. Sir Aries and his nifty little programming box.
2. "Pancake Dory" and pesto rice.
3. San Miguel lemon and apple-flavored alcoholic drink. The. Bomb. Diggity.
4. Mango Mojito. You should try this. The best mojito I've ever had.
5. Tong-its na nawala ako sa concentration ko dahil bulong nang bulong si Bry ng "Ang ganda mo".
6. Si Marvin at ang mga natutunan niya kay Bry.
7. Dr. Ricky Conde's free (love) consultation. Consultation hours: 10pm to 12am.
8. Mameha's "CS operation wounds".
9. The Happy-anniversary-sa-kanila-hindi-mo-na-birthday-Bry kampai.
10. The Jeff and Ikia scandal.
11. Iton and Betchay on Hot Issue, Nagliliyab! and Narinig Mo Na Ba Ang L8test?.
12. The 15-peso per square meter, 5-hectare land.
13. The "Birthday ko naaaaa" song that led to the best good morning greeting I've ever been given.
14. Sex-related bulungan session with Betchay.
15. Madame Betchay and her psychic, palm reading powers.
16. Enzo and Joanne encouraging me to reaudit PSI and join Starshooters and/or Heroic.
17. The usual bullying and bull session with Jeff.
18. 2+1 beer promo that got me drinking so much more then I should have in one night.
19. "5 minutes nalang, sorry brad" that lasted 2 hours.
20. The 500-peso tip.

Of course, the night - day, actually because we left The Plantation around 4am-ish - didn't end there but I don't think I'm going to publish THAT part of the story here because I want this blog to remain wholesome and rated G as much a possible. I'm gonna post it somewhere else. In Tumblr, maybe, and make the blog private.

I haven't had that much fun for as long as I can remember. I wasn't supposed to go just because of a petty misuderstanding with the mister but I'm glad I came.

Now, speaking of came...

Binyagan blues

So last Saturday was Brianna's christening. It was held at the Shrine of Our Lady of Lourdes and it was a very inspiring ceremony. There are times during the ceremony where I catch myself about to cry so I stop myself. It was really hot because a red head was set up in the church, near us (Thank you, TVSTYLE, for the coverage of this momentous moment - redundant much? - of our family's life.) but Brianna was surprisingly quiet and calm throughout the ceremony. The priest even said that he barely baptizes a baby who doesn't cry. Even when water was being poured to her head, she maintained her silence...she had her super cute sad face on, though.

After the church ceremony, we went to Master Bee in Ortigas (I personally like the food. The pancit was uber yummy.) for lunch. Most of the people we invited were there and I really had fun (trying to) entertain them. I secretly thought of it as practice for when Bry and I get married. Hee. So, anyway, the whole time I had Kat as my aliping sagigilid (Thank you so much, Lovey! I shall be your PA again... Pagdating ng panahon. Haha!) while I was busy trying to breastfeed in public.

I was so touched by my parents - in fairness - because they actually mingled with the De Leons and they ENJOYED it. I was kinda thinking that they'll be hesitant to talk to them and end up not talk to them. This is faaaaaar too good. As Joanne has said, ang susunod nito, kasalan na.

As I've previously said, TVSTYLE was kind enough to cover this very memorable ceremony (for free?) in video and in photo. And since everyone (almost) is a PSI grad and sales people, they were friendly to almost everyone. Apprently but not surprisingly, Sir Aries was the one who stood out because of his really friendly personality that some even thought of him as papansin. But he doesn't really care about what other people think so...

My and Bry's friends, of course, have been really awesome for just being there. I've missed everyone and I'm very thankful that they are there to celebrate with us. Lau, Ella, Jackie, Jayvee and everyone who didn't make it, I know you would've been there if you could and for that alone, I am thankful.

Red ampaos (spelling?) were flying their way to me the whole time that I got so overwhelmed. Ganun pala yun? Hee. I'm sorry, I am not observant during my inaanaks' binyags. Hee. But I have to say that Malia's "ampao" was the best one. Sorry, Kat, Jill and Sara, natalbugan kayo ni Malia.

So, anyway, after lunch, we went to Packo's in QC for the Thank You party for everyone who wanted to have a drink and (surprise, surprise) I didn't have any alcoholic drink. Which is okay, I guess because I don't think I will like drinking alcohol again. Pero di ako magsasalita ng tapos dahil malay ba natin, diba?

Got to have a heart-to-heart talk with Joanne which was nice. What's nicer was seeing my parents' bonding sesh with Bry's parents. It was heartwarming and, again, as Joanne said: Kasalan na ang susunod niyan.

After Packo's we went to Stone House for Joanne's Starshooters goal. She sang two songs with the band while the gang ordered 2 rounds of San Mig Light. As for me, I had a can of Coke and a glass of water.

The weirdest thing, though, was an OLD Australian man was hitting on me. It was one thing a WHITE GUY hit on me (all of us Filipinos know what that means), an OLD guy was an extremely different one. What the hell, bakit yun ang naattract ko? A different kind of eew. So anyway, one of my friends said I am Bry's wife and he just said "She's just the prettiest one here". Bry was really protective after that, to the point where he blocked the old man when we were on our way out.

Bry was really sweet that night, holding my hand and hugging and kissing me in front of all those people - which he rarely does.

All in all, I was really happy that day both for Brianna and for our little family. I really can't wait for Bry and I to get married and all of us three live under one roof. That day will probably be the happiest day of my life.

Note: This entry will be reposted with pictures as soon as I collect all photos of mi Bebe's baptism.

My Little Family. ♥

Taken by Bong Tejada | May 20, 2011 | Salt at Hotel Vida, Clark, Pampanga

Question.

Kung ang pagsisinungaling ay ang hindi pagsasabi ng totoo, ano ang tawag sa hindi pagsasabi ng kahit ano para lang hindi pagsimulan ng gulo?

Would it be considered 'lying' if you didn't say anything at all to block off potential arguements? E panu kung relevant yung issue na yun sa pagbbuild ng trust?

Do I have the right to get mad/hurt kung malalaman ko yung mga bagay-bagay sa ibang tao kesa sa taong may sala?

Pano kung napagsimulan na ng di pagkakaintindihan yun dati at nabigyan na ng solusyon tapos di nasunod ang naunang napagkasunduan sa pagkakataong ito? Do I have the right to get mad/hurt then?

Hindi ba dapat magsabi ng mga paroroonan at mga ginagawa ang mag-asawa? Dapat ba itago nalang yung mga ganyang bagay para di pagsimulan ng gulo? Dapat ba pag nagkaalaman di nalang kumprontahin ang isa't isa para lang 'tahimik' ang isang pagsasama?

Gusto ko lang malaman. Kasi baka naman mamaya wala naman talaga akong karapatang gawin ang kahit ano pagdating sa mga ganyan. Baka kasi dapat di magpakielaman since di naman kami magkasama sa bahay.

Gusto ko lang malaman.

KAILANGAN ko lang malaman.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Now that I think about it...

I am what you call a very showy girlfriend. You know, the type who hugs all the time, the one who always gives gifts even if there's no occassion, the one who greets you 'Happy Anniversary' every month, the one who wants to be all pacute to the boyfriend all the time.

Then I met Bry.

Bry is my exact opposite. No PDAs, no roses on Valentine's Day, no cutie patootie nonesense.

This frustrates me just because I've had boyfriends who responded positively to me when I showered them with corny text messages and hugs in front of dozens of people.

Talking to Kat yesterday made me realize how, beyond those cold stares he gives me when I go pacute on him, he cares so much. Yesterday also reminded me how different Bry is to everyone else I've dated. How I literally see myself walking down that aisle towards him. How I see myself being his wife. I didn't see this happen with myself before, even in the 7-year relationship I've had.

What also shocked me was even if he's MIA all the time, I'm not going around sneaking with some guy like I used to. I have found the ultimate love of my life and I am never letting him go.

It might be too early to tell for some. Some might even think it's just 'cause we have Brianna. But for me, it is because I can't see myself living with another man besides him.

Now, seeing myself being his wife and spending the rest of my life is one thing. Having a smooth-sailing ride with him is another.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

#5. I usually hangout by my boyfriend's armpits when we're together.

Alam mo yung pinakaayaw ko sa lahat?

Yung alam mo na yung mga ayaw ko pero yun parin yung ginagawa mo.

Yung nagmamakaawa akong bigyan mo ko ng oras at panahon.

Yung maririnig kong wala kang oras dahil marami kang ginagawa pero pag niyaya kang uminom, kahit may meeting ka ng maaga kinabukasan o may celebration ang anak mo, oo ka kagad.

Yung kayang-kaya mo bitawan kahit ano para sa alak pero kapag para sakin, ni text man lang, wala.

Yung ipinagpipilitan mong wala kang ginagawang masama. Siguro nga wala kang ginagawang masama pero wala ka ring ginagawang tama.

Yung ipinagdidiinan mong makitid ang utak ko at mahina ang pangunawa ko dahil "hindi ko naiintindihan" ang mga pinaggagagawa mo.

Yung pinipigilan kong makipagtalo sayo kasi pagtapos ng lahat, nagmumukha akong tanga.

Yung hindi ko sa'yo maisumbat lahat kasi alam kong may parte ako kung bakit nangyari yung mga nangyari.

Yung hindi ako makapagkwento sa iba ng mga problema ko kasi gusto ko sana ikaw unang makalaman pero nagpapatong-patong lang lahat dahil wala kang oras at pasensyang makipagkwentuhan.

Yung wala kang pakielam kung nasasaktan mo ba ako o hindi kasi para sa'yo, ako lang naman nananakit sa sarili ko.


Yung mas lalo kang nawalan ng oras para sa akin...sa amin...at walang paraang nahahanap o nagagawa para masolusyonan yun.

Yung hindi ko alam kung anong relasyon meron tayo. Kung pera-pera na lang ba ang usapan.

Yung walang pinagbago 'tong relasyon natin kahit nanjan na yung bata.

Yung naguguluhan nako pero hindi ko masabi sa'yo lahat ng 'to kasi sasabihin mong paulit-ulit lang mga pinoproblema ko.

I love how this keeps on popping up everywhere in Facebook. ♥

OB check-up turned date.

Was supposed to meet-up with my OB for my weekly check-up yesterday but didn't because she had this emergency and didn't have time to accommodate everyone. She also didn't believe in appointments so the clinic served at a first-come-first-served basis and I was a wee bit late so...

Anyway, since I had my ultrasound session scheduled at 5pm - I was at the hospital around 10am - Bry and I decided to kill time at Galle. Had lunch at Mangan (their Ginataang Sitaw at Kalabasa was really good) then decided to catch a movie/sleep in the movie house.

We watched the 1:20pm screening of Gulliver's Travels (we were torn between this movie and Little Fockers). I was kinda hoping it'll be a boring movie (but Jack Black is part of the main cast so being boring is out of the question) so I could sleep since I was very very sleepy. But lo and behold, we actually watched the movie and we kept giggling ('cause laughing out loud wasn't an option since there seems to be no other people in the cinema) and we left the cinema SLEEPY.

Went back to TMC for my scheduled ultrasound session then we decided we need to go home already. Was 50th in the cab queuing station so we had snacks at Starbucks (I wanted coffee but I am scared to order one even if it's decaf) and talked a bit then went back in line and when our number was called, we went home.

Normally, yesterday wouldn't excite me as much as it did. But really, knowing Bry, we wouldn't have done that. He would usually be the kuripot and the practical one. We'd usually spend the money on better things and those things don't include movies and/or coffee (or in my case, steamed milk with a shot of vanilla). It was just really refreshing.

But I think the bottomline of these all is I was just thankful the day - and the week - ended on a good note.

Now, off to Medical City. Again. For the third time this week.