What is this madness?!

I don't know what happened but I am certainly hooked on On The Wings Of Love. Right now, it's the only thing I can talk about. Also, I was this close to replying to online threads that debate over Clark and Leah's divorce papers. This is baaaaaaad. I mean, I've watched teleseryes before but never have I ever lost my mind halfway through and actually speak my mind about it. Closest thing to this obsession was for Mara Clara back in 2011 but it was never this crazy. I think James Reid's abs might have something to do about it.

Speaking of James Reid's abs, I'll be seeing you guys tomorrow based on the preview. *whew* Thank you, Dreamscape.

This has been bothering me since this weekend.

"If it's too good to be true, it's most probably a scam."

Okay, granted, my dad and my aunts were talking about shady businesses their in-laws and friends engaged in. I just can't help but get semi-affected with it 'cause I have a too-good-to-be-true type of situation in my life right now that isn't related to any type of business deal at all and I don't know if that very same line applies to it.

One habit I can't seem to let go of...

I've done quite a lot in my 3 years worth of journey to self-empowerment. It started with the realization that I've been a pushover all my life and that I wanted to change that. I've read self-help books, attended seminars, surfed the web for all the information I will ever need to empower myself. I'm not even halfway through with the whole thing but I want to believe that I've made progress, no matter how small it is.

Having said that, I've read probably all the top 10 lists the internet has to provide. I've seen countless versions of the same lists, too. Most items from the list, I can do with ease ever since I started with this self-empowerment thing but there's this one thing that I can't seem to do: Letting go of someone who hurts me. The instructions are clear and simple:

Sometimes you have to walk away from people, not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.  When someone hurts you time and time again, accept the fact that they don’t care about you.  It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s necessary medicine.  Do NOT strive to impress them any further.  Waste not another second of your time trying to prove something to them.  Nothing needs to be proven.  Do not act with any thought of them ever again.  (via MarcAndAngel.com)

I've let go of people - mostly guys - who "hurt" me but I still manage to get into another relationship - not necessarily a romantic one - with a guy who will still end up hurting me. I don't know what it is about me that attracts these kinds of guys. They're not necessarily jerks; I think it's more of they just have other things that they care about more than me. Anyway, I still want to know what attracts me to these guys...or them to me...or both.

Going back, I need to get rid of this habit. I need to empower myself over these guys. It's the one thing that's been holding me back. This probably is the reason why I haven't found "The One" up until now. Which is sad, if you think about it 'cause I already have a kid and all... (Self-empowering after-thought: I don't need a guy to be a great mom, anyway, so it doesn't matter if I haven't found "The One" yet.)

I Drive Myself Crazy (Thinking of You)

No, I am not posting lyrics or the music video of the song. It's just that these past few days, I really have been driving myself crazy thinking of College Guy.

I started my week waking up from a dream where he's so in love with me, he knocked babydaddy cold. Everyday, I hope and pray to the high heavens for some sort of interaction and/or communication to happen between the two of us. The closest thing I got to an interaction was a star on one of my posts that I know pertains to a girl from his past. This morning, I keep on checking my phone for text messages from him even if it's a long shot to actually receive a message from him and I keep on praying that when the Viber tone rings, it's him sending me a message, asking me to have a couple of beers with him. Crazy, right?

Crazier thing is I'm actually expecting him to make a move despite the fact that he doesn't like me that way. I can do the proactive thing and ask him out myself - which would probably end all the craziness in my head - but I really can't bring myself to compose that text message. The code name I gave him in college, Frustration, really is perfect when it comes to him.

Maybe I just put too much meaning on the things that have happened between us in the past: The hug, the invitations, the looks he gave his friends... Maybe there really wasn't anything there to begin with. Maybe I was just too excited with the idea that, for the first time ever in 7 years, the both of us are single at the same time.

I came to the conclusion, though, that I am just setting myself up for destruction, one that's gonna happen anytime soon if I don't stop this nonsense. I hope this little message I wrote to myself will help me quit this crazy addiction once and for all:

Note: I know I am a universe-and-law-of-attraction kind of person but I guess some things are just really not meant to be. I am realistic enough to accept that. Besides, I haven't been single in 10 years, maybe it's about time I played the field a bit... Now, where to start?

Note (again): I might be in love with him. What do you think?

Migraine.

"Nahihilo, nalilito... Asan  ba'ko sa'yo? Aasa ba'ko sa'yo?"

I really love Moonstar88's Migraine. I love those three lines especially because they capture everything that I want to ask two guys in (?) my life right now but the questions, of course, are of different context.

Anyway, the whole song, I want to ask one of the two guys. Go figure.

Yes. This.

Gold digger.

I don't consider myself to be a gold digger. I'm not one to spend thousands and thousands of pesos over branded clothes, Apple gadgets or ridiculously over-priced bags/watches/shoes. (The only piece of branded clothing I own is an Esprit shirt that was given to me as a gift three Christmases ago. I own a Mango wallet and a brand spankin' new pair of Nike running shoes which were both given to me as gifts this Christmas.) I don't even want to eat in places with meal prices that start at Php200.

With that said, I really cannot comprehend, with all of my 16 years of relatively expensive private school education, how I became a gold digger. I want to live in my own house/apartment. I want to drive a decent enough car. I want my daughter to get private school education like I did. I do not demand any of these from my boyfriend or anybody else. If anything, I demand all of these from myself. I just shared them with the person I am supposed to be working with to achieve all of these and what do I get? The label Gold Digger. 

Okay, maybe I am expecting him to want the same things and actually go "Okay, ako na ang bahala." or maybe even a "Sige, i-goal natin yan." would suffice but it seems like I'm asking too much. So much so that I got called a gold digger by the last person who I thought would have the gall to call me that.

Weird fashion trend I do not get.

I am not a fashionable person at all. I wear a pair of shorts, a shirt and a pair of flats all the freakin' time. I can't even wear a dressy blouse on broad daylight because I'd feel overdressed even if I paired it with jeans so I'd totally understand if you bash me for saying the things I will be saying but I would just like to share my observation and hope that someone else shares the same thoughts I have.

(I can't even search the top I will be referring to without Googling it and even my keywords were wrong.)

So apparently, they're called cutout tops, not top cutouts (which is what I Googled).

Anyway, I don't really get cutout tops, especially this kind. The ones that have cutouts at the back, at the sides and even on the upper chest, I get. They make your look sexier or edgier, whatever it is you prefer but these tops that have cutouts on the shoulders? I really don't understand. Is it supposed to help you not get "jabar" when it's too hot during the day?

I know that fashion doesn't need to make sense but I would like to at least understand why it looks that way.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

(I hope some PSI grads or someone who went to a 7 Habits seminar can help me fully grasp this concept.)

This concept is habit #5 of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It has been confusing me so much lately, as much as habit #3 which is Think Win-Win but habit #3 should be for an entirely different blog post.

Anyway, I want to know if "Seek first to understand, then to be understood" means that I shouldn't voice out what I need to say right after the person I talked to gave me a piece of his/her mind. I mean I am not one of those people who's been given the gift of understanding...of patience so during a confrontation, I blow up like a volcano. I've (recently) learned to stop and assess my reaction just so I can give the other party a much more responsible and appropriate response but there are some situations (and people...UGH!) that I am not fond of and when they come marching in, armed with their opinions and what not, I get all annoyed by the sound of their first word and before I know it, I'm rattling on like a machine gun.

FYI, I am one of those people who don't really doubt the intentions of other people to me so you can imagine how hard it is for me to have to deal with people who doubt me and my choices and the need for me to be "understanding" while they don't seem to make the effort to understand me. I mean, bakit ako napalilibutan ng mga taong mahilig magduda? I know, How could I have attracted those people into my life? And don't they understand that what they're doubting about is rooted deep inside of them, hindi sa mga ginagawa at nangyayari sa labas ng katawan nila?

Obvious bang affected ako?

Anyway, yeah. That's what I want to...understand, if you will: Do I not respond right away, given that I still haven't understood what they said? When will be the right time to speak my mind?

50 Shades of Grey

I've been meaning to read the 50 Shades trilogy when I read Jill's review about it on her blog. I haven't gotten around to reading the copies that I have because they're in digital form and although I am one of those people who are online most of the time, writing, or maybe just marathon-ing a TV series until my eyes give out, I cannot - for the life of me - read a novel on my computer. I like reading novels from a book...or maybe I just like the idea of buying an actual book from the bookstore. Either way, I wasn't going to read 50 Shades on my computer.

Up until now, I am still not convinced that I should buy the actual book. I've read mixed reviews about it and I wouldn't want to spend that much money for a book that might disappoint me. I know, I have all four Twilight books but that saga I actually enjoyed (mainly because I love the damsel-in-distress-gets-saved-by-a-hot-guy story plus I am a sucker for cheesy romantic lines).

Weird Tumblr spammers

I posted something on my Tumblr a few days ago but only got to see these yesterday.

I don't know if someone really takes these stuff seriously... All they got from me was a laugh.

Stay-at-home mom vs. Working mom

I've been sending out applications like crazy since last month but I've also been declining most invitations for interviews like they're indecent proposals from dirty, old men. My mind is still not made up if I want to work fulltime again.

Of course, having money to spend whenever I want to spend it how ever way I want to spend it is the strongest arguement I have pro-working mom. I mean, most people my age have this as their reason for working, too, considering the people my age I know are from average families. Saving for the future has got to be my main focus now, I know, but spending is on top of my list right now. Diapers, baby food and all things baby are constantly in my to buy list, most of the time I don't get to buy things I need; like deo and underwear and a new pair of jeans. I get monthly "allowance" from my babydaddy, yes, but 3/4 of the money goes to the baby; monthly check-ups and MONTHLY VACCINATIONS, diapers, baby food, baby soap and shampoo, baby etc. The money that's left is emergency money, which doesn't last long. My parents (and grandparents) give me money sometimes, yes, but it's not much. I still am not paying for rent, electricity, groceries, water and I'm already complaining.

Of course, the main - and probably the only - reason why I wouldn't want to actually work outside home is because I feel that my purpose is to be a mom and a homemaker. I can't believe it at first either. If you knew me before I got pregnant, you'd know that I'm a drunkard who doesn't care if I got to work the next day or if I could stay awake while in the shower. Bry and my baby came and then everything changed. I suddenly want to get my act together and actually live long enough to take care of them. I (sort of) stopped smoking (chain-smoking, anyway). I try to stay away from junk food as much as I could and I always, always pray to God now to spare the world from Judgement Day next year. I want to take care of my family and suddenly be all Mrs. Brady to my (much, much, MUCH smaller) bunch.

I want to help Bry save up for this family but at the same time be here for, say, parent-teacher conferences and family days and Linggo ng Wika presentations. I see working at home the best solution for my dilemma but I need a high-paying, home-based job that can help me earn. Once we've earned enough, we're gonna invest on a business which will give us passive income then we'll never have to become a slave to the corporate world again. But yeah, I have to spend more time online again to find a legit online, home-based job first.

Sigh. Being a grown-up is hard.

I don't get what the hype is all about.

Every girl seems to be falling in-love with the younger prince after the Royal Wedding but, really? Prince Harry? Look at him. He looks like a fat comedian. Plus, being bald is in their genes.

Would you really, honestly, with all your heart want to spend the rest of your life with him even if he's not a prince?