Age-old question that seems to have no answer.

Disclaimer: This post is all over the place. You have been warned.

I know I've asked this billions of times over 300 million channels in the past but I still don't have an answer that satisfies me: Am I being selfish for SOMETIMES following what my gut tells me to do?

I seem to have finally found the courage to stand up to my bullies and assert myself but everyone else - at least, those I see on a normal basis - thinks that I am being selfish; thinking of just myself all the freakin' time. Normally, I would agree with them - because I have really low self-esteem - but thing is I don't feel like I'm being selfish now.

I know when I am just being a brat and like a normal human being, I'd deny it to anyone willing to listen but deep deep down, I know I'm just acting out. Now, though, even with all the drama, I know that I'm not doing all of these just for the hell of it. There are much, much deeper explanations that I have for thinking and talking the way that I do now. Problem is I am finally sick and tired of having to explain myself every damn time just to prove that what I'm doing is right, or at the very least, for the betterment of the situation. I mean, I've said and done it at least 5x in the past but I always, always end up being misinterpreted. That, or what I say is being deliberately taken out of context so they can blame me for screwing everything up.

So I did what they all wanted me to do: I shut up. No more opinions. No more anecdotes. No more "knowing it all". No more anything from me. I just clammed up. I still hear how immature I am being, how bratty I am, and how I screwed this family up by living in my own little world but at least I don't add up to the "mistakes" they think I make on a daily basis.

Now, I know they are blaming everything on the boyfriend. I mean, that's just how their minds work. They don't believe that I can come up with a decision all by myself. They don't believe I can actually think for myself (which is quite insulting if you think about it but I've been living with this for 26 years that it doesn't even bother me anymore). While I make all the decisions for both Brianna and I, Alfred has a played a part in all this by supporting me. Never in my 11 years of dating have I found someone so supportive that for the first time in my life, I am actually betting on myself. I've had these thoughts for the looooongest time but only now did I get the courage to actually pursue them one by one. I can never stress this enough: Support goes a long damn way. So technically, yes, he should get part of the blame because he believes in me and my ability to make things happen.

(I am drifting away from the original intention of this post. Selfishness. Yeah.)

After all that has been said and done, I believe that I am not selfish for doing the things that I do. I am not stepping on anyone's toes and I am not intentionally hurting those people who get affected. I do the things that I do because I need to do them...for myself and for my daughter. I am, first and foremost, a mom now and if people can't understand that, well, it's, quite frankly, not my problem anymore.

It has been a year...

If I were still me a year ago, I probably would all be weepy on Twitter the entire day as I recall what happened exactly a year ago. I'd probably need my friends to comfort me as I beat myself up for allowing such a thing to happen to me. I'd most probably be drunk out of my wits, throwing up everything I've eaten the whole day.

It's just so ironic that THAT coincides with our (the boyfriend and I) 4th month anniversary. I mean, yeah, it's not that ironic but I would like to think it is.

Day 11. #100HappyDaysV2.0

I had to shut my mouth for this girl right here despite the mean things that have been said about me. I'm enduring every blow thrown my way to give her the best life I can offer her.

It's been a long, long while.

A lot has been happening these past few weeks/months but I haven't bombarded this place with the nonsense in my head. I don't know why, actually. Probably because I'm having way too much fun with everything, despite the fact that some of the things that's happened actually tore me into pieces. I don't know, maybe I've finally learned to see the good in it even though it hurts.

So what has happened these past few weeks/months? Let's see…

• I've FINALLY been to Boracay.
• And I actually went snorkeling!
• And banana boat-ing!
• Although I didn't get a tan.
• But the Boracay sunset…ohmygod, it really is as pretty as everyone says it is.
• I went hotel-hopping. Mind you, these are not cheap ass hotels you find along Malate or something.
• I've managed to "dump" all the people that I don't want and need in my life, including the people related to them.
• I had a major falling out with my dad.
• But we're okay now. I think.
• I got a full-time online job.
• Brianna started and ended her summer class with flying colors.
• My friends now know how crazy I get when I'm in a relationship.
• I'm in a relationship.
• But not without a falling out that almost led to a "break-up" even if we weren't really together yet that time.
• Brianna celebrated her 3rd baptismal anniversary.
• My laptop died on me in the middle of a hectic week at work.
• Which led me to get a Mac. Which seems to be eating me up alive with every simple command that I can't figure out without the help of my brother or the Internet.
• I've started reading books again.
• I'm actually planning to buy a car.
• And to get life insurance. As in legit planning, with quotations and loans and stuff.
• I've achieved my weight goal and I'm actually maintaining it.
• I've enrolled Brianna for this coming school year.
• I hung out in a Starbucks branch all by myself after a really, really, REALLY long time. I think the last time I did that was in college. It was so refreshing, I want to do it regularly.
• I got a new pair of glasses that makes me look like a hipster, according to a friend.
• I failed to finish the #100HappyDays project which bummed me out…but not quite.
• A lot of items on my wish list/bucket list have been ticked off, thanks to my wonderful new boyfriend who just keeps on granting everything on my lists. I'm not going to elaborate on what the items are/were but he's been doing that since we first saw each other again last September and I can't stop thanking him for it. I mean, it takes a lot of effort (and money) to get some of the things done (of course, a lot of them are easy and free) but I never heard him complain.
• I might have found the perfect dress for my friend's wedding this November.
• Brianna told me that I'm "very awesome", which is probably the best entry here.
• Which I tweeted. I don't tweet as much, too, so there goes constantly documenting my life online.
• Also stopped reading my Twitter timeline/browsing through my Instagram feed 509375894072101948578461807492 times a day. It's oddly refreshing.

I guess that's everything. I don't know how to get everything out and I am not doing one post for each item so I made a list. It's not chronologically arranged or something. I just wanted to take note of how exhausting but at the same time, exhilarating the past few weeks/months have been for me. The short-term memory loss that general anesthesia has given me will probably wipe my memory clean by the end of the first half of the year, might as well document what I remember now.

I am quite thankful for how everything is turning out. Despite the many, many, many disappointments, I feel that everything is falling into place. How can I not be grateful, right?

My definition of success.

A lot of people's definition of success is either having a lot of money in the bank or being a top executive in some corporate office or travelling one country after the other but I realized that is not the case for me.

Being a faithful wife and a loving mother have always been my definitions of success. I don't need to swim in money or boss people around just so I can feel that I am successful. Yes, I understand that we all need money in this day and age and I will be a hypocrite if I say that it doesn't bother me at all that I am struggling with my finances but at the same time, you cannot totally convince me that a rich person who lives in a mansion, driving a sports car is successful.

It might come off as old school to a lot of people, my definition of success, especially to those "independent women" Ne-Yo's been singing about but at the end of the day, those are the things that are important to me. Not a fancy house or tea parties with the queen but I will be grateful if I will be blessed with material wealth because I admit, I want to live a comfortable life with my husband when we get old and I want my children to experience that kind of life too. Hihi. I just believe in a different kind of success and would want that to be reflected with the way I live my life.

Out of my comfort zone and into the unknown.

I've been preparing for this for a long time now and I am jumping in in a few days. Hope this turns out really well. I've always wanted this.

Universe, just a little more, please...

Let it go... That perfect girl is gone.

I know I'm moooooooonths late on joining the Frozen bandwagon and I'm very sorry, Brianna, I've failed you (LOL not really) but this song...it's definitely written for me! Yes, I am a 15-year-old spoiled little snob who thinks EVERYTHING is about her trapped in a 20-something single mom's body.

But seriously, whenever this song comes on - which in this household is a LOT, thanks to Brianna - I shut down and think of all the things I will achieve this year if I just let go of the thought that I am not good enough and that I am a failure. After that, I get all determined and focused and stuff. It's like my anthem of sorts.

"It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong; no rules for me, I'm free!"

Universe-d.

Today's Post Secrets update... I. Just. Can't.

Something huge.

For the past few days, I've been thinking of this huge thing a lot. It's something that I've been wanting to do since I graduated from high school. It might not be that big for some people but I've wanted this for the longest time and I know it is worth the risk; I just don't know if I actually am ready for it. Okay, I am mostly ready for it except for this one aspect of my life that's been rather elusive: The financial aspect. Everything else, I don't have a problem with.

Actually, and I've been telling this to a lot of people, the financial aspect is easy. What's hard - at least for me - is actually telling the important people in my life about it. I know it is ultimately my decision so whether or not they're on board, they can't do anything about it but there's a part of me who wants everything to be alright when I let them know. Yung wala bang samaan ng loob.

Look, for some people, this might not be that big a deal but if you know how everyone around me thinks of my capabilities, you'd understand. That's the same reason why I'm struggling with a lot of things, especially when it comes to what I know is best for both me and my daughter.

I'm not expecting for them to support it, knowing how they think so lowly of me that I'm still a child. I just want them to respect the decision. MY decision.

(No, not necessarily doing it right after posting this but I want to do it hopefully this year.)

(No, I'm not getting married...yet! :p)

Ooh, and PS. I think the Universe agrees with me...and actually want me to get down to it ASAP.

From the PSI Newsletter, posted on my Instagram account

From the Marc and Angel Hack Life website, posted on my Twitter account

Last weekend's Murtaugh List additions

• Drink without eating dinner
• 2 consecutive tequila shots after finishing a liter of Jack Daniels
• 2 whole packs of cigarette in a day
• Sleeping the whole damn day after a drinking session
• Puking bile without wincing
• Watch the UAAP Finals while nursing a massive hangover
• Sleeping on the gutter while my friends take photos
• Have someone carry me from the gutter to the bed/sofa (but I'm really thankful he did because I can't even bring myself to sit up when he asked me to)
• Remember what the hell happened after those kinds of drunken nights

Condo living...

I have shared my desire to buy my own condo unit a couple of years from now despite the hardships I am currently having financially. This doesn't stop me from wanting to achieve my dream condominium unit, which I think I've finally found:

From the Avida Land Facebook page

I know that loft units cost so much more than regular one-bedroom or two-bedroom units but I've always dreamt of living in a loft. I even want a house with a loft.

Anyway, I originally wanted a unit from a much cheaper developer since, as I've mentioned, I don't really have the most rewarding (financially-wise) job in the world but when I thought about it, if I were to build a home for both Brianna and me, it has got to be with one of the best. So Ayala - Avida it is!

Short-Term Goals.

I know I said I won't set any goals for this year; that I will just grab any opportunity that will present itself to me but a part of me just can't let the goal-setting thing go, even for just a year. I mean, 3 months into the year and I'm already setting a "short-term" goal for myself to accomplish.

Anyway, I put quotation marks on short-term in the paragraph above because I have a rather unconventional short-term goal. Most people consider getting a car a short-term goal but my idea of a short-term goal is actually buying my very own condominium unit. Preferably a one-bedroom unit somewhere along/near EDSA but a studio apartment works, too.

I don't see myself renting a space unless it's rent-to-own and that is one of the things the babydaddy and I argue about during those rare moments we actually talk. Rent money goes nowhere. At least if I pay for, say, Php10k per month for a one-bedroom unit for a couple number of years, I know that in the end, the place is actually mine.

It's going to take a whole lot of discipline, hardwork and resourcefulness for me to accomplish this goal in 5 years' time but I am currently looking for other sources of income because this writer thing is just enough to cover my and Brianna's basic needs.

Work-from-home moms, I need help.

People who work from home know all the perks: no need to wake up early/specific time to get ready and catch the shuttle/avoid the morning/after work traffic, free food, comfortable workplace, etc. It's the ideal work situation, really, because if you land the perfect job, you can earn up to Php80,000 per month. So, what is it am I complaining about?

Well, I'm not really complaining. It's more of acknowledging the problem? (Palusot) Anyway, it's about how I work full-time but at the same time, I need to fulfill my duties as a full-time, breastfeeding mom. I have a beautiful 2-year old daughter who I love dearly but cannot wean from feeding from me. It's my fault, after all. I wanted to feed her exclusively during her first year and didn't teach her after her 1st birthday. Anyway, that's not the problem.

The problem is I get burnt out probably from breastfeeding her and guiding her through her terrible two's and this insane heat the country's going through. Add the personal problems I have been pondering on for a couple of months now and you've got Monster Mom. I don't know how to contain my anger and I sometimes yell at her when she does something wrong. I know I'm making some moms and early childhood specialists cringe with my reactions but when I'm filled to brim, I get so carried away by the stress that I cannot stop myself from yelling.

I do go out every once in a while to grab a few drinks and catch up with friends but that doesn't seem to help. I mean, it does for a day or two but after that, I go back to my grumpy mommy self. Work-from-home moms, I need your suggestions. How do you guys make it work? 'Cause I really want to live up to the title "work-from-home supermom" I bestowed upon myself.