These two, my gahd.

Monica: I’m still not done not wanting to talk to you. 

Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right. 

Monica: What? 

Chandler: Well, that’s what we do. You know, I, I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then, you know, you think I’m all cute again. 

Monica: Really? I’m really tired of being your relationship tutor. You’re gonna have to figure this one out for yourself… You know what? If you’re too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don’t be in one.

YES I'M WATCHING THE SERIES AGAIN OKAY! DON'T JUDGE ME. I'M NOT FEELING 100% OKAY LATELY SO I NEED THIS.

Anyway, I've been really relating to these two since the first time I watched the series but I realized just now that I'm more of a Chandler than a Monica especially in my current relationship. Which is quite absurd considering I'm the one who hasn't been single for more than 6 months since I first started dating.

January 1, 2013 vs. January 1, 2014

I know, I know. I've taken up that relatively pricey PSI seminar 3 years ago and I should have let go of these kinds of programs but I've always thought of January 1 as the basis of how the days of the year will go. Although it wasn't always true in the past years, I still believe in starting my year right.

Last year's January 1 was the worst by far, having been called a gold digger for wanting a normal family life. I was bawling my eyes out until about 3 days after that. Despite the wild turnaround of events halfway through the year, I still consider 2013 a rather harsh year for all the heartaches it gave me but I'm thankful nevertheless because the permanent huge grin I have on my face in the past few months up until now wouldn't have happened if I didn't get my heart broken (twice!) last year.

This year, January 1 also ended with tears but not because of some kind of hurt. It was because I've never felt so much appreciation, support and love from anyone else before. Even the best of my exes didn't make me feel even half of what I'm feeling right now. It's like for the first time in my life, I finally know what it feels like to be a special someone and to be treated like one of those girls in the movies. It might seem shallow to some people but for me, it actually means a lot. I mean, I feel like a queen right now so I don't really care. Don't even get me started as to how he treats my daughter because I will bore the living wits out of anyone who's willing to listen. Of course, I'm still testing the waters as I don't want to suffer another heartbreak, especially from a friend from way back when.

Hopefully next year's January 1st is the same as this year's. I don't ever want to experience last year's January 1 again.

I know what I'm doing is good...

...but I can't shake the feeling that it might be turning me into someone I don't want to be.

Okay, it's not that deep... It actually isn't deep at all. It's about smoking. I haven't had a single stick of cigarette since Monday last week and it's the longest I lasted without one since I started smoking again in 2011. It's done a lot of good for me: I can smell what our neighbor is cooking and I can actually differentiate what's salty and what's saltier. Plus, I don't pant whenever I go up the stairs anymore.

So why the hell am I complaining? Well, for one, my patience got shorter. I know that doesn't make sense. I don't get the connection either; I just noticed I got a lot more irritable without nicotine in my system sheeshgetoffmybackwillyougod!

*deep breath*

And second, I've been eating a lot lately. I eat when I wake up, then I eat after I run/bike, then I eat lunch, then I eat again at 3pm then again at 5, then I eat dinner and then right before I sleep. I don't eat small portions each time, no. I eat meal-sized meals!

I got this oral fixation thing real bad. If I had a boyfriend were with the boyfriend all the time, he'd probably be the meal I'll be devouring, if you know what I mean.

At least that's not going to make me fat...

Oplan Balik-Alindog 2013

Last year, my thinspiration was Megan Fox. This year, I have a new one:

Miranda Kerr. She gave birth to her baby in 2011 and yet by the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in November last year, she looks like that! It might be a long shot for someone with genes like mine (mom's side of the family is 'chunky') but knowing that she had to put on some sort of hardwork for her body to look like that, that's motivation enough for me.

I hope my new thinspiration get me somewhere this year. Actually, Megan Fox as thinspiration for last year wasn't too bad. I got tons of "Ang payat mo!" and "Parang di naman mommy..." compliments from friends and acquaintances alike plus a year-end flirting spree/ego boost capped it all off but this year, I am aiming for tons of two-syllable damns and probably an indecent proposal from the guy I like.

I have the biggest hair among all the people I know (personally).

I am the only person I know that has this big, unruly hair. I don't even know what happened because when I was a baby, I looked like this:

A lot of people thought I was a baby boy because of how light my hair was. My lifelong yaya, Ate Thelma, told me that she would put gata on my hair every once in a while to make it thicker and now, I blame her for this mess:

Photo by Brianna. This is the only photo I have of my hair because I don't take photos of it really when it's all kinky.

Well, it's not entirely the gata's fault because I had my hair relaxed twice and a lot of hairstylists have been reprimanding me throughout the years about it so I guess that - plus that time I had my hair colored in college - made more damage than the gata.

Anyway, yesterday was the last straw and I thought that I needed to do something about it so I went to my mom's bathroom and went snooping around for her hot oil/moisturizer thingy but I ended up using this:

The decision to use this has got to do with that short span of time in high school before I had my hair relaxed where I couldn't take the unruliness of my hair. I used this every morning before I took a bath. I did that again and then this happened:

I'm sorry for the face. I didn't know what face to do because I was inside the freaking bathroom.

I HAVE FOUND THE CHEAPER OPTION! Wooh! I was convinced that I needed to have my hair rebonded but I love how my hair looks healthy now and best of all, BAGSAK NA SIYA! My hair doesn't look like some feather duster anymore! I did it again today and will continue doing it if it makes my hair look like this without the help of a flat iron.

Man, this post is overworked but really, really shallow. 

Tamang Hinala-ing.

I hate this feeling so much. Especially when I started my day with much glee like I did this morning. I was sooooo inspired by the words I've read and the way the morning sun struck the windows that I thought nothing could ruin my day. Well, no one can unless you give them permission to and that's what I did. I let one text message, most probably an innocent one, ruin the day for me. And it's not even lunch time yet!

I've learned in PSI that an action from the outside will trigger a reaction from inside you DEPENDING on how you look at the situation. Imagination plays a huge part to how you react.

An action from the outside could be absolutely anything. In my case, a text message simply saying "Papasok na ako". The text message was sent at 7am. Let's name the sender "Bry" and one trivia about him: In my one year and 7 months with TVSTYLE, he was never on time. Okay there was one time when we had early morning coffee in The Columns, January 2010 but that's it. So anyway, his text message shocked (yes, SHOCKED) me because of this.

First thing that got to my mind, SINO BA YANG COORDINATOR NA YAN? MAGANDA BA YAN? You see, the office has a new coordinator in place of the previous one who was pregnant (no, it's not me. Some other coordinator who will give birth this September). So far, I know that her name's Mikko/Miko/Mico, she's Japanese and that she panicked when one of the writers yelled at her. Other than that, wala na.

Let me tell you something about myself now: I have the biggest insecurity after the pregnancy. The way I look, as well as my body looks, is now different. I look - well - like a mom now. Don't get me wrong, I am every bit thankful of Brianna. I would just prefer for me to look like Adrianna Lima the way she did after she gave birth to her baby.

I mean, look at her! She's still Victoria's Secret worthy! Parang di nanganak!

Long story short, though, I got paranoid thoughts (i.e. He likes the new coordinator) and did not give him the benefit of the doubt. I was paranoid enough to not think that he may be getting rid of his bad habits and that he wanted to find more clients because more clients = more moolah = brighter future for our family. I also just talked to one friend from the office and she told me they were having a meeting first thing this morning.

Now that I let all that out, I now am feeling guilty for being a meanie. Apologizing would get rid of the guilt I am feeling but when he asks me what I'm apologizing for, I'd feel guilty all over again having to explain to him why.

I make my life complicated.

Oh wow. (Late post)

AJ Perez died last Sunday in a car accident in Tarlac. I wasn't greatly affected by it until I read this:

But Mr. M is confident that AJ will handle the pressure just fine. "If he gets the right breaks, he'd be like a Rico Yan." We'll stand in line for that.

That was an excerpt from Yes! Magazine where he was featured. Scared the shit out of me.

Both are good-looking.
Both are La Sallians.
Both died in their sleep.
Both died on Holy Week.
Both their wakes were held at LSGH Chapel.

What a coincidence, huh?